3 Amazing Pieces Of Anti-Masturbation Technology

Sorry, lesser gendered campound member; the LonBot2000 is seeing red. Back to the Menstrual Hut with you!

Just this past month of May in this, our year of America 2014, Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts had it’s first annual Technology Month. It was a grand affair that culminated in showcasing some cutting edge technology in the fight against masturbation. Today, I’m focusing on three incredible innovations in anti-masturbation technology that the average Lonvidian is aware of, but the deviants that linger in the comments on this netsite may not have seen yet.

[We’ve added a section on the lesser known LonBot777 that was mistakenly omitted from the  original article. – editor]


#3. LonBot


The first known robotic Faith Warrior was the LonBot777, or “Lucky S.E.V.E.N.” as his creator, Brother Mickey “Eugene” Parker, liked to refer to him. As Brother Parker explained back in 1952, “S.E.V.E.N. stands for Somewhat Effective Volunteer Experimental Normal”. Brother Parker began testing the LB777 in the field at amateur non-normal boxing carnivals in Spring of 1953, where the LB777 managed to become the Universal Boxing Champion in less than 3 months time. After the LB777 conquered the boxing world and was banned from even the most seedy non-normal boxing festivals by the Big Masturbation influenced World Boxing Commission; Brother Parker donated the LB777 to his local SMN campound. The LB777 served as the first line of defense against Communist and non-normal perimeter breaches at the Patriot, Indiana campound until eventually breaking down in the late 1960s.

LonBot 777
Lucky S.E.V.E.N. takes down yet another non-normal during his quest to become the Universal Boxing Champion of the World. (June 16th, 1953)

Due to the success of the LB777 and major technological advances, the LonBot Chiliad series began in the early 1980s thanks to the work of faith scientists at the U.K. BLUFF campus. Due to the fears of the impending Communist invasion, Lonnie Childs insisted that all the various campounds in America be fortified. BLUFF U.K. was up to the task and created the first LonBot1000 not long after. Unfortunately, the prototype was built using the mind of what was thought to be a converted individual but was actually still deviant. The LonBot1000 ripped it’s plastic skin from it’s skull and began masturbating and three faith scientists lost their lives before the abomination could be put down.

Using a masturbator as the test dummy proved to the downfall of the LonBot1000.

The concept of the LonBot was not revisited again until increasing raids on the Safford, AZ location of BLUFF necessitated the project being revisited. The fruit of the labor of the Safford faith scientists was the LonBot2000. While never tested “in the field”, the LonBot2000 was an early success on the campound and served to aid Doug Pinnick in his hourly moisture checks of the female members during Pinnick’s legal woes. After Pinnick’s triumphant return, the LB2000 was used as additional line of security at the campound’s Menstrual Hut to be certain all women were remaining in the Hut for the proper length of time.

Sorry, lesser gendered campound member; the LonBot2000 is seeing red. Back to the Menstrual Hut with you!

In early June 2014, the faith scientists released a significant upgrade to the LonBot in the form of the LonBot3000. The LB3000 is the closest thing to Lonnie’s original vision; a super soldier styled robot to battle the forces of Communism and masturbation. The LB3000 has been field tested and is ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice. The LB3000 is the future of the combat ready soldier and the American War Machine is rumored to be interested in this groundbreaking faith technology.

Don’t make the LonBot3000 angry. You won’t like the LonBot3000 when it’s angry. Praise.


 #2. LonChild Channel F

LonChild Channel F

In an attempt to attract more children to the anti-masturbation cause, BLUFF’s faith scientists came up with the very first Video Entertainment Computer (VEC) that they have called the LonChild Channel F. After years of playtesting and several design changes, the BLUFF team was able to get the user fatality rate down to acceptable levels. Minds on the campound were blown by the VEC’s use of four chromatic colors on the viewing screen at once! The VEC also features dual full hand controls that keeps the user’s hands off of their sin swords and controlling the on-screen action.

LonChild Channel F Flyer
Now you’re playing with power… Faith Power™®.

The VEC also boasts some incredible educational titles such as SRAS Hell Camp®, Nikita Shalavin’s Homogay Conversion™ and The Sin Cave™. The crown jewel for the LonChild Channel F is the grounding breaking faith based life simulation, Arizona Trail™. Arizona Trail™ is the story of a normal man and his journey across America trying to avoid non-normals and agents of Big Masturbation along the way. Arizona Trail™ has the distinction of winning “Game of the Year” at the 2014 Tempe, Arizona Video Computer Entertainment and Doll Show prior to even shipping copies.

Arizona Trail
2014 Game of the Year*
(* – 2014 Tempe, Arizona Video Computer Entertainment and Doll Show)

Sales of the LonChild Channel F have been brisk and BLUFF is currently sold out of the title as are most worthwhile faith based electronics stores. Due to the popularity, we can only expect more amazing advancements with the new games coming for the VEC in the third and fourth quarters of 2014. While BLUFF has been quiet about an upgraded version of the VEC; they have been ordering more of the FEMA approved plastic coffins used to house the dead bodies of game testers who gave their lives for the Greater Good.

Arizona Trail Screenshot
Choose wisely, Brother.

#1. Control Toys Anti-Masturbation Restraint Products

Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket

By now, I’m sure you’re all aware of the groundbreaking Anti-Masturbation Cross that has spread across the world web wide like a firenado. The Cross is just the latest in a long line of products to keep your young ones from doing the sinful deed of masturbation. Early devices such as the Baby Trap Chair™ and the Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket™ (patent pending) have sold so many units they are rarely in stock at the BLUFF outposts. Anti-masturbation restraints are nothing new as they’ve been used since the dawn of time; however Control Toys really brought these classic devices into the 20th century.

The Control Toys™ branded Baby Trap Chair.
The Control Toys™ branded Baby Trap Chair.

Of course, the featured attraction of this collection is the Anti-Masturbation Cross that literally broke the internet upon it’s release and also got Lonnie’s various netpages shut down and created a blood feud with internet also-ran Mark Zuckerberg. The Cross not only prevents the youngsters from self-manipulating themselves, but there are already studies done by the Foundation For A Better Tomorrow that prove that using the Cross on your child makes them significantly more likely to join a Childs Youth faction.  Clearly, Control Toys brand Anti-Masturbation products are the way to go if you want your child to be on Lonnie’s straight path to success.

The .jpg that launched a million masturagers.
The .jpg that launched a million masturagers.


About Cathy Redmond 109 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

24 Comments on 3 Amazing Pieces Of Anti-Masturbation Technology

  1. I used to have to put my children in dog cages and handcuff their arms to the bars to keep them from touching their ‘naughty bits’ while I was away for 9 hours at work. I would of course leave them some food and water in bowls. I love my kids and don’t want them to starve or go thirsty. When the BLUFF scientists came up with the ‘Control Toys’ and put them on the market, I realized that there was a more practical solution to keeping my kid’s hands off their sin zones and they could get out for some fresh air. I would put both my girls into an Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket and push them outside to play. It warmed my heart seeing my girls interacting with the other kids in the neighbourhood and these children would laugh with my girls and point at their awesome attire and laugh some more with envy.

    Thank-you Saint Lonnie Childs and BLUFF scientists for making my girls sin free. Praise on high!

  2. Thus is the most in human shit I have ever seen I hope you rot in hell for putting your children through this, , locking them up and cages!!! I feel sorry for you and your children

    • No cages for children that I’ve ever seen. The bamboo and wicker cages are for training purposes during SRAS Hell Camp. Try reading the article before spouting off lies in the comments.

      • Because according to Karma and Vikarma, You’ve done a lot of masturbating in your previous lifetime.
        May Shiva have mercy on your mortal soul.

    • If you TRULY loved your children and cared about them becoming functioning adults in today’s society instead of becoming basement dwellers that spend their days masturbating over My Little Pony meemees while you support their lube and tissue needs, you would do the same as I did. My girls are in the best health and are sin free. If they know what’s good for them, they will remain that way or I will have my husband remind them in his own special way. Praise Saint Lonnie for showing me and my family the proper way to live.

  3. Please tell me this is all just a joke?!?! Cuz y’all some CRAZY ASS MOTHERFUCKERS if not!! Like borderline insane crazy people

    • This most certainly is NO joke, ma’am! We take masturbation and it’s Evile side effects very seriously.

      • Yes masturbation is a serious matter,
        Thanks to the anti- masturbation cross, i can now strap my child in it, and masturbate on his face without letting him run away.
        Best invention ever.

  4. Propably you’re all sitting somwhere out there, and jerking off your dicks with a crazy smile on your faces, covered in peanut butter, you fucking child molesters 😛

    • Please keep your sinful fantasies to yourself. This is a most holy netpage where we spread the word of our Lord, Saint Lonnie. We are trying to help people lead a more healthy lifestyle by helping them to not masturbate and catch the bad AIDS, rickets and goiters. There are many netpages for you to spread your filth. Please repair yourself to those pages with the other filthy sinners. Leave the rest of the beautiful world that Saint Lonnie provided for us non-sinners where we can procreate and replenish the world’s populace with chaste and Lonnie fearing children. Praise!

  5. The only trouble masturbation has brought me was the time I milked my eel into a pot of turtle soup and my sister drank it without knowing the contents, oh that was not my intention

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