The True Story Of Arizona’s “Meteor Crater”

Masturbator's Maw
(image source: Stan Shebs [GFDL (, CC BY-SA 3.0 ( or CC BY-SA 2.5)(], via Wikimedia Commons)

The so-called “Meteor Crater” in Northern Arizona is one of scLIEnce’s many falsehoods passed on down through the generations. Mainstream secular history claims the crater was found by “European settlers in the 19th Century”. As Lonvidians, we know this to be false as it was actually created by the hard-working men of the Northern Arizona campound around that same time. While the filthy Europeans may have laid claim to the discovery and later exploitation of the pit; the true story is not the one told in the liberal history books.

In 1891, Brother Lonnie and his Lieutenant, Brother Delmar Poore, had decided the influx of masturbating foreigners into Arizona was unacceptable. The Arizona territory had been held by Brother Lonnie and his ancestors since God created the Earth, and America, 1891 years prior. Brother Delmar devised a plan where they’d lure the deviant foreigners into “cages on wheels” by way of having the campound women do a seductive dance at the entrance leading them in. Once inside, the “cage on wheels” had a trapdoor for the Lonvidian women to escape from and the masturbators were far too deep into a lustful haze to react and escape. From there, the Lonvidian men would take the cages to the outer desert on the edge of the campound and return ten to twelve hours later to find that all of the sinners had masturbated themselves to death.

Both Brother Lonnie and Brother Delmar were pleased with these results but the disposal of the deviant corpses became problematic. Many Lonvidians feared that the sickening, rotting masturbator flesh was seeping into the ground and would begin to taint the entire campound’s supply of cat milk which was stored, at the time, in underground caverns. Brother Delmar took eleven of the campounds strongest men and spent the next twenty-one days in the North. The result after only fifteen days of work was a pit nearly .75 of a mile in diameter. Brother Delmar christened the hole, the “Masturbator’s Maw” and deemed it sufficiently big enough to hold the current influx of masturbator corpses.

We Lonvidians enjoyed nearly thirteen years of complete control of the “Masturbator’s Maw” until a greedy, liberal businessman from the East named Daniel Barringer established a mining claim on the site. After five years of battles at the Maw between the Lonvidian militia and the U.S. Government’s soldiers, Brother Lonnie and President Theodore Roosevelt came to terms in 1906. The deal they forged allowed the Lonvidians to continue to thrive in areas of Arizona where campounds were already established. Roosevelt promised that no government interference would happen for 102 years if Brother Lonnie allowed Barringer to mine the hole. Brother Lonnie agreed to dispose of masturbator corpses in other areas as part of this agreement. However, due to the five years of battles with the government, many cowardly masturbators avoided the greater Arizona area.

Of course, once the crater was out of Lonvidian control, the official version of its creation was changed to the “meteor hit the Earth” myth that scLIEnce indoctrinates children with to this day. The liberal Barringer changed the name of the crater to boost his ego and to further the lie of the scLIEntists. We, as true Lonvidians, will never forget the hard work those eleven brothers put into digging that big hole in the ground to help deal with the masturbation problem. Praise them all.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

10 Comments on The True Story Of Arizona’s “Meteor Crater”

  1. Of course, cat milk. Because that makes sense? I’m going to go hit my head against something hard and unforgiving until I can’t process viable thoughts anymore. Maybe then and only then will I have the mental fortitude to join Lonnie Childs and his little don’t touch the danger zone cult

  2. What the fuck? Lonnie couldn’t have been alive in 1891, Earth is 4.5 billion years old, and that is a meteor crater because I’ve analyzed soil samples myself!

    It’s also called the truth, not sclience.

  3. I’m not sure what ‘A Smart Guy’ is getting on about here. This is hidden history that “they” don’t want you to know. I’m far more inclined to believe something the religious scholars on this website talk about than anything this “Government” or any of the puppets that are clearly paid shills for lies have to say.

    • You realize there was a time period of 1000+years where religion banned science? I would rather die then say religion has it correct!

  4. Excellent news, Cathy. Praise Lonnie and praise those wonderful brothers who toiled in the hot Arizona sun to help His cause.

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