What did i find today in this unholy place they call “The Internet” what the hell is this crap?
Are there really people with too much sawdust in their heads to believe this shit?
I dont understand life anymore…
Time for a nice Lava Dive in the deepest pits of hell.
Lonnies Childs is a real organization that really helps people with masturbation issues. My good friend Chad C. was a masturbator and after he joined Lonnies Childs he is now a proud christian masterHATER
^^ This is hilarious you better show some respect for the former state wrestling champion turned prophet. He was out-prayed on his path to Olympic greatness therefore had to change his path. Oh. I mean it was God’s will.
Michael Moore’s tweet vaunting his upcoming documentary about an anti-masturbation dolphin named Fappy was part of an online hoax that also included a detailed press release. In said release, Lonnie Childs, the presumably fictional president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now, was quoted as telling CNN: “What our organization does is designed to help make children and parents aware of the dangers of masturbation in and outside of the home. God willing, one day masturbation will be illegal.” It is unknown whether Moore is a victim or a party to the hoax. Regardless, somebody better call Errol Morris, because this guy Childs needs a documentary all his own.
Boi, masturbation has been a thing since time fucking started. Jesus didn’t go around saying, “Hey guys and gals, jackin’ it is bad because fuck it, why not right?” There is no such definition as what are “Good” things or “Bad” things. And people who say so are retarded. all those are is just what people have come to a semi final decision on what to do and what not to do based on society standards. If everyone went around saying that killing people is the shit, everyone would kill people. “But then who wrote the Bible huh?” Someone that’s really good at fairy tales.
Nikita Shalavin you turn me on so hard I can’t stop imagining having wild lesbian sex with you. I would strip you, pin you down, and grind my beautiful wet pink pussy all over your face and love every morsel of it. I would jiggle my titties in your face and let you suck my cum covered fingers until you moaned my name and BEGGED me to give you more. You’d promise me you’d eat my pussy soooo good if I would just put my fingers in your dry lazy pussy. You would love it. Guaranteed. I’d treat ya real sweet honey, I promise I wouldn’t bite. Too hard…
19 year old bisexual woman here! I get myself off all the time, and my husband LOVES watching me do it! Its normal…would u rather have ur kids out looking for someone to explore those desires with? No? Then let them do it on their own.
Groups like this dont want their kis masturbating cuz daddies want tight little virgin pussies when they rape their daughters and the preachers want the little boys to be able to get hard without worrying if theyre already taking care of themselves.
My dear damaged child, masturbation has taken your ability to spell real words, if you don’t stop now you will deteriorate to the point of being unable to communicate with another soul completely. May God bless you when you repent for your sins.
The irony of you criticizing her spelling: your grammar sucks ass. You don’t use a comma between sentences. Please read “The Elements of Style” by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White before ever making another ignorant post. Thank you, freak.
I agree.. Better the kids do it at home, then go out. I will be ready, to talk to my kids when they hit that age. Heck my mom gave my brother lotion, when he hit that age lol. “Here, so you don’t go out, and get a girl pregnant, you are only 13” ROLF!!
I pray that you people involved with this site will never reborn as a human being. Cause I truly feel that you are demented, mentally sick, out of touch, and should not be associated or roam about in the public, nor allow to use technology and internet, cos you are damaging humanity. So if you read this, go suck each other’s dicks and golden shower til your mind is cleansed.
Lol and just reading the comments makes it even funnier!! I truly hope this is some kind of joke tho..all those poor ignorant ppl that actually believe masturbation is a sin…makes me laugh my ass off..they need some actual reading and not just some creppypastas…xD
I have made a few comments, and want to add another. Let me say this, I agree with ajilinifan. It is natural. I also agree with the one saying it prevents things in males. Also it prevents them from going out, to seek someone to explore. Would you rather have your “child” safe at home, in his/her room masturbating. Or would you rather them going out, with the possibility of STD’s, HIV, pregnancy? Think about it.. I would rather walk in on my son jerking off. Then my son coming up to me saying he has a STD, or got a girl pregnant. Also “self rape” is only used, when we are masturbating in a way, that we are pretending someone is rapeing us (sexual fantasys). Example: Using a dry dildo on your ass, hard and fast, pretending someone is doing it to you, and out loud you are begging them to stop. But enjoying it, and you cum. Yeah those “self rapes” are fun, and normal for many. “Self rape” should not be used, as the term, for masturbation. (P.S. I am a female, no kids. I was giving examples, if I was to have a son, and walk in on him. Oh also I am a Christian, and masturbate at least once a day. Nothing wrong with it. Have a nice day ^.^)
Yes it is a Troll, I found the real Rev Leroy Jenkins, and gave them a heads up, of this fake slandering his good name. No real Holy man would slander people, who don’t look class A normal, blacks, and others such like them.
I am Rev Leroy Jinkins and I support the stopping of self rape through Power Golden Showers and Clumpy Brown Rain on the head of every man woman and child that is in need of the intervention of the all seeing and all knowing CHRISTIAN GOD…bow down before him and prostrate your skeen gland!
1: wtf is up with your name
2: the “hardcore homosexuale behavior” we express is out of irony due to the fact that it’s HILARIOUS anyone propagates and believes in homophobia or racism anymore….yet here we are. Stuck with bastards like you actually believing it. Think we’re going to hell? Please
We are very proud to announce the inception and establishment of the Holy Church of Ponginae. We have established this church in response to the overwhelming interest in theological belief in the United States of America.
Our intent is to offer an alternative religion to the established dominance of current theologies. The Holy Church of Ponginae’s sole intent is to discredit and openly ridicule ALL existing theological beliefs and religious institutions…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Parishioners and practitioners of the Holy Church of Ponginae are strongly encouraged to actively deride and discredit any and all religious evangelistic efforts.
The Holy Church of Ponginae was conceived of on April 1st, 2014 in a small house in the mountains, west of Conifer, Colorado. It began after an afternoon of heavy consumption of Alcoholic beverages, food and cannabis. An epiphany was realized by its founders while evaluating numerous documentaries and videos on religion, atheism and agnosticism. It was decided that evening, people needed an alternative to established religions, and a methodology and opportunity to openly parody and mock them.
For the next two weeks, the council of Gigantopithicus convened daily to establish the foundation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, whilst imbibing mass quantities of alcohol, food and cannabis. Through the intoxicated debates of the council, many issues and disagreements were resolved, and a consensus was finally reached on its core beliefs, canonical texts, dogma and rituals.
The following is an explanation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, and its respective rituals, beliefs, canonical texts, scriptures, dogmas, and deities.
The primary deity of the Holy Church of Ponginae is Pongo the Gigantic. Pongo the Gigantic is described as an immortal being, who has chosen the form of an eleven foot tall, male, completely hairless Sumatran Orangutan. He is an ethereal being by nature and possesses omnipotence and infinite supernatural powers, and has been in existence before the beginning of time, space and the universe.
Pongo the Gigantic is the deity responsible for our known universe, having farted it into existence…otherwise known as the “Big Bang”. As referenced in one of the Canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae, Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the end of the universe.
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Pongo the Gigantic does inhabit the earth in physical form, and currently resides in a neon pink double-wide prefabricated home (commonly referred to as a “mobile home” or “trailer”), and moves around the United States of America at random intervals. He currently resides in a small trailer park on the outskirts of Yazoo City, Mississippi, however is planning to move “somewhere else in the near future”.
Further descriptions of Pongo the Gigantic include his ability to exhale superheated plasma and fire at will, consumes a diet of various fruits (especially cherimoyas), aborted Water Buffalo fetuses, hallucinogenic funguses, cacti and toads, gastropods, and various cephalopods. He regularly defecates Hostess Brand Ding Dongs and urinates the Swiss alcoholic spirit Absinthe.
As an immortal being endowed with omnipotence and infinite supernatural abilities, there are far too many descriptions to be mentioned here. Therefore anything that defies scientific explanation is automatically ascribed to Pongo the Gigantic.
Pongo the Gigantic has provided humanity with a list of rules which must be indiscriminately and fanatically adhered to, and indiscriminately inflicted upon others by all of his subjects. They are all tattooed on Pongo the Gigantic’s immense scrotum and buttocks, they are as follows;
Rule 1: I am the creator of all…I am your god…all gods are complete bullshit and false prophets!
Rule 2: All must make crudely constructed images of me, worshipped upon and adorned with offerings of condiments, bizarre fruits, and anything else that is going bad in the refrigerator.
Rule 3: Observe the holy Sabbath of Thursday afternoon, from 2:27 p.m. to 4:52 p.m. without fail, by continuing what you’re already doing at the time.
Rule 4: Curse my name whenever possible, especially when agitated, injured, offended or it just seems like the right thing to say in the moment.
Rule 5: Do not kill…unless you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good reason, and if you must kill…do so in my name and insist I spoke directly to you, and commanded you to do so.
Rule 6: Engage in sexual intercourse with anyone or anything willing, as frequently as possible…if unable to do so, repeated daily masturbation is mandatory.
Rule 7: Do not steal…except from the obscenely wealthy, any multi-national corporation, politicians, political groups, or other churches and religious institutions.
Rule 8: Want everything…desire what you cannot have and obsess over it endlessly. Lust after people you cannot have and be envious of others that possess what you do not.
Rule 9: Always be honest and faithful…unless it’s going to get you into trouble, then utilize falsehoods, denial and shamelessly blame others.
Rule 10: All felines must be hairless…a shaven pussy is beautiful.
Rule 11: Ridicule, parody, satirize and misrepresent any and all theologies, religions and creeds…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Utilize vicious and ruthless tactics whenever and wherever possible, and never apologize for doing so.
Rule 12: Consume anything and everything you wish…gluttony is good. Sugar, caffeine, meat, cephalopods, gastropods, insects, crustaceans, alcohol, hallucinogens and other mind-altering substances are sacred foods and are to be eaten regularly…or whenever desired.
Rule 13: Lethargy and indolence is encouraged whenever possible.
Rule 14: Rage and be wrathful against all those you believe to deserve spite and revenge.
Rule 15: Be arrogant and vain…narcissism and conceit is essential for unjustifiable self-worth…the universe revolves around you, and you alone.
Rule 16: Donation of money to the Holy Church of Ponginae is not necessary or required, but encouraged…any money donated will be used for whatever is needed or wanted, and there shall be no accounting of church money whatsoever.
Rule 17: Keep the kitchen and toilet as a holy place of worship, to perform acts of devotion, veneration, and religious study…for this is where all shit begins and ends.
Time spent defecating is considered penance for transgressions against Pongo the Gigantic.
Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures.
Rule 19: All rules of the Church of Ponginae are strictly voluntary and completely unenforceable…especially when inconvenient, inappropriate or burdensome.
Failure to adhere to these rules will result in terrible punishment. Any who willfully break these rules will be force-fed hallucinogens, sent to the nearest economically depressed, violent crime riddled city or state, and flagellated with ridiculously named vegetation, by equally bizarrely titled, naked fictional entities coated in the condiment of choice. The punishment will continue for all of eternity…or until the condemned gets tired of it and is no longer amused…or falls asleep.
The canonic documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae…
The complete works of Douglas Adams
The complete works of Hunter S. Thompson
The complete works of John Steinbeck
The complete works of Ayn Rand
The complete works of William S. Burroughs
The complete works of Samuel L. Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain)
James Joyce -Finnegan’s Wake
David Rees -How to Sharpen Pencils
Luigi Serafini – Codex Seraphinianus
May Cushman Rice – Electricity in Gynecology
Gary Greenberg – The Pop-Up Book of Phobias
Alison Jenkins – The Lost Art of Towel Origami
Chad Orzel – How to Teach Physics to Your Dog
Carlton Mellick III – The Baby Jesus Butt Plug
Lawrence Wright – Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and Water-Closet
This is just a preliminary and incomplete list of the canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae. More texts will be added on future dates and as they are discovered.
Masturbation is perfectly healthy! Men are suppose to masturbate at least twice a week to help prevent prostate cancer. So all you motherfuckers got all kinds of cancer. There is seriously something wrong with you people. This is’nt normal
Can I get a round of applause for all the pictures that they didn’t get permission to make them something they are not and for the obvious photo shop on these pictures! Bet none of these people said these things and they are not part of this little religion.
The fact this site even exists is a blight on humanity. Obviously the people within it that support it are for things like. Teen pregnancy. Actual rape do to people not having a private release. As well as a number of woman killing there husbands for being away to long. To be completely honest the people that wrote and support this sight are Sick. The Believe in something specifically designed to tear down humanity. To control you and what makes you happy. God granted us with free will yes the church believes it is ok to take it away in his name. Christianity Is and always will be a stolen religion. Steeling parts of other religions in attempt to control the individual person through the belief of damnation. In the name of god it was gave the Catholics the self appointed permission to slaughter millions of innocent people for the simple fact they didn’t believe. Christianity teaches one thing. That its not your fault. That there is a higher power of evil that makes us do the things we do. When in all actuality we do them because we enjoy them. Humanity is sick because people do not take responsibility for there own actions, instead they place it on a faith that is misguided and twisted to suite the hearts of humans that lack the ability to take responsibility for the disease they spread. Priests molesting small children or committing acts of sin. Religion dictating that a man can not love another man simply because they do not. The bible is the great contradiction. In my opinion those that fallow such practices that you preach should be dragged out in the street and shot. There children should be taken form you to spare them the cruel abuse you inflict on there minds. Not to mention the physical abuse you most likely put them through to make them believe this garbage. The maker of this site and the people who support it should be ashamed to even breath. And if your god does exist I’m sure he already has a special place in hell just for you.
How long did it take you to write this diatribe? The blight on humanity is that you approve of priests molesting children, how do you sleep at night? There are so many insulting statements in your mission statement that I will not read it or respond to it. Praise on Lonnie and his flock!
is it right to eat enough magic mushrooms to see people who wernt their originally..sexy people in hot out fits an tits that don’t quit. and if so is masterbating to the ok or not……….. help me out hear lonnie
I want to have an orgy where lonnie childs carlos danger dexter battygardeniii and jasper centaur and I are all touching each other’s sin sticks and using the free hand to fondle a rectum. If I could only stop daydreaming about this long enough to stop playing with my own sin stick and ruining pair after pair of panties, maybe I could contactthese hunks and make my fantasy come true…:(
Me and my significant other (me a 24 year old male, her a 25 year old) checked this site out last night, after a nice round of mutual masturbation and sex. Hilarious! Exploration is normal and healthy. If you feel so threatened by others willing to learn about their bodies in a natural process, then you need to silence yourself. It’s a PERSONAL thing, different from person to person. If your God didn’t want anyone to do it, he wouldn’t have created sexual stimulation to begin with. I don’t tell you not to have faith or try and detract your views. I love having my girlfriend dominate me in bed. Tonight we will read this website while exploring each other’s bodies together. Thank you for the laughs, and fap fuel.
Lonnie is my sons name if you don’t take off this aweful stuff I will sue. I am a christian but believe this restaint of your is child abuse. Masterbation is a natural human function. You all need educated on human anatomy and functions. I mean do you consider bowel movements evil too.
Congratulations. I too intend to name my first born male Lonnie. I’m contractually obligated to in fact as per the contract Dr. Childs made me sign when I was deemed worthy to one day be assigned a spouse for future procreation.
That slut in the pink bikini top is smokin!!! I had to rub out a huge load to those jugs! I’m pretty sure that where ever she is now, she could feel me mentally raping her, because I could feel how much she loved rubbing my jizz into her tits and face!
may i say something about the lonnie childs shown above.
taking beloved characters, important people, girls with them tits of melons, creator of facebook Mark Zuckerberg and putting ” I am lonnie childs ” is
1 blaten theft
2 bull shit i guarantee you that the chick in the red bikini is a pornstar ” witch by the way is A GOOD THING “
Ok after a half an hour of reading some of the funniest shit ever posted I have to believe this is a Trolling School lol! Great concept but I think the site should have been called howtotroll. Hey I’m gonna go see if I can secure that domain name! 😛
What I want to know is: why are you so against masturbation? Is it because you couldn’t find pleasure like everyone else can? No that would be too easy. It’s because you were abused weren’t you? Most likely by your mother by the symptoms you have displayed in your posts. Did she catch you experimenting with your self and physically punish you because her little boy was growing up? She must have treated you like a baby and kept you imprisoned inside while all the other kids played outside, and mother assured you that “you will make it into heaven”, and “he will always keeps an eye on you.” Knowing that everyday your mother’s voice echoes in your head, making you believe that this the only passage into heaven, so that you pass your psychotic tendencies to everyone else, saying to yourself I’m not alone anymore I’ll make others go there with me, but I’m sorry we here who criticize you have something called a brain and we use it to think. Awwww…… What’s the matter did I strike a little to close to home, oh I’m so sorry for exposing your little wimpy and infantile thinking to the rest of the world. Oh, poor baby! was that your last place to hide yourself. Well there is one place left to be and that is at the gates of the ultimate judge. So either kill yourself or I will assure that I may do the favor myself, although I do not like to get my hands dirty. Who am I, you may ask, why that is not important but to keep this in mind while you pass into the afterlife, I am worse than Satan. I don’t waist time filling people with these supposed urges. I will actually make your worst nightmare come true!
Masturbation is natural. Sometimes it happens before you even know what it is or the results of it. Getting throat fucked, taking fat cocks in the ass, licking tasty man hole, are things that are done by choice and are not a result of masturbation. I’m sure Jesus whipped his meat out just as much as anyone I know has. Even with all that said, I idolize people who have a strong belief in SOMETHING, so praises to you Lonnie. However, I don’t agree with judging other’s lifestyle vs telling people your way and not pushing your views on them.
In conclusion, my cock and my hand will stay friends and sex is more than “fun”~bless
Bunch of typos here too. Meembers should read Members, you’re page about not marrying a woman who masturbates should say “remember”, not remeber, and it’s the “Devil’s doorbell”, not “Devils doorbell”.
I hope you understand what a flop this is.
I hope you know that about 2% of the people on here actually care.
While the rest laugh at you for what a fucking retard you are.
Your “religion” is more a cult. A cult that has never seen porn or enjoyed it. Everyone, including me, is laughing at your stupidity
Why the fuck was DJ Khaled up there!!! And Kanye West!!!! Im pretty sure they masturbate on a regular bases. I bet you 18 billion dollars, that not one single person on that list knows that this website even exists!!!!!!!!!!!.
I honestly cant tell if this whole site is a joke, if it is fucking good on ya this is the best joke in history, if not Holy fucking cocksucking dickfucking gay guy anal queer lesbian jizbucket motherfucking cunt slobbering shit fuck you people are fucked.