Masturbation Danger Zone: Public Transportation

(Image Source: By Felix O [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons)

As Lonnie has proven many times over the years, some places are hot spots for masturbation and masturbation related sinful activities. Today we’re going to look at a “no go” zone in most major cities around the world – public transportation. Be it bus, train, elevated train, subway train or monorail, public transportation is one of the most dangerous things to use if you are fearful of being exposed to masturbators and the diseases they carry.

Just a cursory search on Bing™ of “guy masturbating on bus” turned up over 3 million results. 3 million results! And those are just stories that have been published to the internet in some fashion. It’s terrifying to imagine all of the silent horrors that devout initiates of Lonnie Childs likely experience on a daily basis that go unreported. I even got daring and after gaining Lonnie’s permission, searched Bing™ for “monorail masturbation” and found numerous immoral videos of women masturbating on monorails. This proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt that even future forms of mass transit will be filled with masturbators, unless we take a stand.

Why is public transportation rife with masturbators? Well, who typically uses the services? Marijuana addicts, the unemployed, and followers of Barack Obama for the most part. It should come as no surprise that those kinds of people would flock to a cheap or sometimes free shuttling service so they can go about committing their sins and crimes around town.

Obviously, if you are a dedicated follower of Lonnie, you are not addicted to marijuana and you are employed as a servant of the Lord. You have obtained the spoils of that servitude and have many luxury sedans and SUVs to use for your personal transportation. You will, thankfully, never have to endure the riffraff found on public transportation. You may wonder why I’m even bothering to bring this to your attention. Gas prices are down thanks to Lonnie and you will never encounter a deviant masturbator while driving your own private luxury sports car. The reason is simple. Entry-level believers that haven’t attained the notoriety and wealth that is showered down by way of Lonnie still have to function in a world that currently rewards the unclean and punishes the pious. These warnings are to let those people know there are other options to get around the city without having to resort to consorting with masturbators.

First, try to arrange a “car pool” with other like-minded individuals at your work or place of worship. These individuals can be carefully vetted for their non-mastubatory status by way of legwork and various electronic listening and recording devices. This “car pool” would be the most secure way to avoid sitting amongst the filth if you do not possess your own car. Lonnie believes that three to four initiates should be able to muster up enough funds to purchase one solid, used American car.

Another method would be walk to any location within reasonable distance. While you won’t have the protection of a car’s doors and windows, you can use other avoidance lessons Lonnie has taught to avoid likely masturbators you will definitely encounter. The walking method is good in a pinch or for short trips when arranging a “car pool” would be impractical.

Lastly, a safe way to travel in any circumstance is aboard a Lonnie Childs approved and endorsed ‘Party Bus’. The ‘Party Bus’ is driven by a licensed and cleared non-masturbator and all riders are searched and given a routine background check before being allowed to board. While the ‘Party Bus’ typically only happens for special events, it has been known to be made available at a moment’s notice when followers of Lonnie are in need.

Do not under ANY circumstances use a taxi or the “Uber” or “Lyft” services. All have incredibly high percentages of known and convicted masturbators moonlighting as drivers. These types of “ride” services are a good way to end up somewhere you don’t want to be trapped in a vehicle with an unsavory character.

About Cathy Redmond 109 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

7 Comments on Masturbation Danger Zone: Public Transportation

  1. Hah! I’ve been driving my sports car for years! Although I’ve had this one for a few months, but I’ve still had similar models for years!

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