New Sex Toys Allow Wifi Masturbation

New Sex Toys Disguise Self Rape as a Legitimate Marital Aid

A New Hampshire-based company run by sinful females has introduced new sex toys using wifi technology. The toys, designed to allow two or more users to mutually masturbate themselves, blur the line between masturbation and the righteous expression of love.

Untitled3Robot sex innovations have advanced self rape technology in evil ways. The disgustingly named company, OhMiBod, has released an oral sodomy bl*w j*bber and female pleasure pad that mimics the administration of cunnilingus.

Sinners can remotely control the device in intricate ways. The phallic male device can be manipulated by remote licking of the tip, deeply “throating” the entire shaft all the way down to the base, and hand stroke “tugging.” The actions are all detected by special sensors and shot across our vital information systems to a remotely controlled pleasure toy that is wrapped around the remote male’s member.

The female pad, when worn correctly, pays attention to the strangely named female anatomic areas. The special tablet style attachment (sold separately) allows the remote administrator to lick or suck…basically, just go to town on the beave. The motions are broadcasted to the receiver device that stimulates the female’s private area.

Also available are Bluetooth Boner Binders, Pickle Ticklers, and various Networked Launch Pads.

Sinners are able to use webcams to study facial expressions, watch climactic releases, and talk dirty to each other. Reusable “easy peel” clear plastic screen covers protect the computer equipment from emitted seed and vaginal secretions.

Despite OhMiBod’s claims to the contrary, these items do nothing to enhance sex or bring partners closer together unless you count being together in hell to burn for all eternity.  These Sinulators, whether used by married couples or fornicating adulterers, are abhorrent to God and the Mission of the SMN Ministries and should never be used. Oral sex is sodomy, therefore any simulation is just as sinful.

Brother Lonnie will commence a mandatory period of prayer at all B.L.U.F.F. Campuses.

Loading...
Pray Against (7)
Cassidy Pen
About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

23 Comments on New Sex Toys Allow Wifi Masturbation

  1. I shall launch a Cyber Conversion Department to counter this abomination.
    I have over 50 friends on MySpace, so I'll have a pretty good head start.

    Pray For (5)
    Pray Against (0)
  2. Brother Lonnie and SMN need to start an Cyber Crusade division based on the ideas of brothers Nikita and Cassidy. Make sure you have enough electrical power at the compound to support your hardware. If you have another power outage like last time, remember: divert power from the hospice before the orphanage. Octogenarians and nonagenarians can't go on outreach programs to Pakistani soccer-ball factories!

    Pray For (1)
    Pray Against (1)
  3. What's up with the first image? Don't these offensive dirty sex toys come in flesh tones at the very least? I'd never spend a penny of my hard earned money on this filth but if I were a consumer of sin & sodomy why would I buy a fake purple wi-fi Blow Job_er? Who wants to blow Barney?

    Pray For (1)
    Pray Against (0)
  4. Lesser gendereds should be constantly pregnant and cooking for their SRAS. Not making smutty, satanic, electronic devices! This makes me sick!!!

    Pray For (3)
    Pray Against (1)
    • Why don't you start doing some fucking chores around the house?! Why don't you start do something instead of telling people what to do and not what to do?! Why don't you fucking start helping your wife who owes you NOTHING!! As a male, I am disgusted by your behaviour and your sick sick views on women. Women owe you nothing and never will. Without them ,you wouldn't be here. Don't treat them any less than you want to be treated. One day you will get your behaviour back at you, you sexist idiot!!
      I hope god has the strength to heal you and bless you.

      Pray For (1)
      Pray Against (0)
  5. This is EXACTLY the kind of smut peddling that the Great American President Dwayne T. Eisenhower warned us about in his great "Masturbation-Industrial Complex" speech. My parish has lost so many young men to the trappings of Big Masturbation. I had hoped that the availability of free porn on various rude netsites was as bad as it could get. Now these youngsters will be fiddling with their SinSticks thanks to the evil Worldwide nets. I just hope none of them are electrocuted when they spill their seed all over their keyboards and smartphones.

    Pray For (2)
    Pray Against (0)
    • DWIGHT Eisenhower, you cock-juggling thundercunt. Lonnie Childs seems to me to be a cult leader. You are his things, and, quite frankly, your whole website is a joke. "Netsite"? "Divert power from the hospice before the orphanage"? "Make sure you have enough electrical power?" Oh your God. You certainly all seem beyond saving, but the people I really feel for are those who have to live with you and deal with the fools that you elect.

      Pray For (1)
      Pray Against (0)
  6. Christians are a cult ... The Catholics are a bunch pedophiles who mokest today's world.. The Catholics are a fucked up cult who rape innocent children when they get holy water wich is probably the pasturs come

    Pray For (0)
    Pray Against (1)
    • They make me sad to call myself a Christian. Not all Christians are like this. We are terribly ashamed to have these idiots believe they are one of us. Most of us dont want anything to do with them.

      Pray For (0)
      Pray Against (0)
  7. Hey I would have never know about this amazing device if www.stopmasturbationnow.org hadn't informed me of it 🙂 Thanks www.stopmasturbation. org 🙂

    Pray For (0)
    Pray Against (0)

Pray here: