The world’s last great think tank, The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, recently finished an 18 month study on the root cause of automobile accidents. The results they found, while predictable, were still shocking to the average American who still has not accepted Lonnie Childs as their personal anti-self-rape savior.
Dr. Carlton Abbott, who was lead faith researcher on the automobile accident study, spoke with Stop Masturbation Now in a brief telephone conversation I was able to have with him on Wednesday, November 12th 2014.
Stop Masturbation Now: Dr. Abbott, you just finished a massive study that attempted to link masturbation and car accidents. What did you find?
Dr. Abbott: Good afternoon, Ms. Redmond. First, I’d like to praise you for making time out of your busy reporting schedule to interview me. Also, obviously, I must begin by saying, Praise Lonnie. Now, the most staggering statistic to come out of our eighteen months of research is that we can definitively say that masturbation or a masturbator is involved in 100% of all car accidents. We found 80% of the mishaps involved a driver who was either a confirmed masturbator or who was actively self-raping during the time of the incident. 15% of the remaining cases involved a self-raping passenger in the vehicle, again either from a previous masturbation session or actively doing the sinful deed at the time of the crash. The remaining 5% were confirmed by several faith scientists to be acts of God – a direct punishment, if you will, from the man upstairs against masturbators. The Act of God group included such things as large trees, buildings, etc. falling on to cars containing masturbators and all car accidents that were the result of other natural phenomena.
SMN: Wow, that’s pretty surprising, Dr. Abbott. I expected the numbers to be high, but I suppose I didn’t account for God’s punishment making up a small percentage of all accidents.
DR. A: Yes, indeed. I’d like to credit Dr. Norman “Normal” Fisher, for coming up with that one. He’s a great thinker and has a very intimate relationship with God. Many of our top minds missed that one too. I’m sure Lonnie would have come up with it but he was busy with other important matters and we were unable to use his talents in this particular study.
SMN: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. Also, thank you for sharing your findings here first on Brother Lonnie’s holy netsite. I’m sure you have very important things to attend to. Thank you for your time. Praise Lonnie.
DR. A: Thank Lonnie for allowing me and my cohorts to do the Lord’s work and thank God for sending us this knowledge and helping us better understand His plan for us all. Praise Jesus, Praise God and Praise Lonnie!!!