100% Of All Car Accidents Are Caused By Masturbators

car accident masturbators
(image source: By Thue (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

The world’s last great think tank, The Foundation For A Better Tomorrow, recently finished an 18 month study on the root cause of automobile accidents. The results they found, while predictable, were still shocking to the average American who still has not accepted Lonnie Childs as their personal anti-self-rape savior.

Dr. Carlton Abbott, who was lead faith researcher on the automobile accident study, spoke with Stop Masturbation Now in a brief telephone conversation I was able to have with him on Wednesday, November 12th 2014.

Stop Masturbation Now: Dr. Abbott, you just finished a massive study that attempted to link masturbation and car accidents. What did you find?

Dr. Abbott: Good afternoon, Ms. Redmond. First, I’d like to praise you for making time out of your busy reporting schedule to interview me. Also, obviously, I must begin by saying, Praise Lonnie. Now, the most staggering statistic to come out of our eighteen months of research is that we can definitively say that masturbation or a masturbator is involved in 100% of all car accidents. We found 80% of the mishaps involved a driver who was either a confirmed masturbator or who was actively self-raping during the time of the incident. 15% of the remaining cases involved a self-raping passenger in the vehicle, again either from a previous masturbation session or actively doing the sinful deed at the time of the crash. The remaining 5% were confirmed by several faith scientists to be acts of God – a direct punishment, if you will, from the man upstairs against masturbators. The Act of God group included such things as large trees, buildings, etc. falling on to cars containing masturbators and all car accidents that were the result of other natural phenomena.

Dr. Abbott's findings. (image source: Foundation For A Better Tomorrow)
Dr. Abbott’s findings. (image source: Foundation For A Better Tomorrow)

SMN: Wow, that’s pretty surprising, Dr. Abbott. I expected the numbers to be high, but I suppose I didn’t account for God’s punishment making up a small percentage of all accidents.

DR. A: Yes, indeed. I’d like to credit Dr. Norman “Normal” Fisher, for coming up with that one. He’s a great thinker and has a very intimate relationship with God. Many of our top minds missed that one too. I’m sure Lonnie would have come up with it but he was busy with other important matters and we were unable to use his talents in this particular study.

SMN: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. Also, thank you for sharing your findings here first on Brother Lonnie’s holy netsite. I’m sure you have very important things to attend to. Thank you for your time. Praise Lonnie.

DR. A: Thank Lonnie for allowing me and my cohorts to do the Lord’s work and thank God for sending us this knowledge and helping us better understand His plan for us all. Praise Jesus, Praise God and Praise Lonnie!!!

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

18 Comments on 100% Of All Car Accidents Are Caused By Masturbators

    • You seem to have an awful lot of time on your idle hands, for someone who is sending rocket ships to cheddar. I believe you are fake!

      • Because right now I have no need for work, my job is to analyze maneuvers and plan them, I get chosen for this because I built the rocket, right now I’m assigned to Curiosty (which is on Mars) but since they aren’t doing anything complicated, I just get paid to sit there. And the sentence mistake is because of the whole autocorrect thing, as my computer at home is broken so I have to use my iPad, which sucks.

        • A Smart Guy proves just how far the space program in America has fallen under Obama. No surprise great Americans like Ted Cruz have spoken out about how much the European Space Agency has embarrassed this once great nation in recent days.

          Under Bush or Reagan no one would be “paid to sit there”, they’d have found something groundbreaking and important for someone so smart to spend their “idle” time with. Instead we have people paid to masturbate or harass legitimate religious groups on the internet on the taxpayers’ dime. Sounds about right for America 2014 unfortunately.

          • Oh no, my job deals in things happening real time, so how am I supposed to do something when we have no need for it? So unless a maneuver that is difficult comes up, I have really nothing to do, but this week there might be a complicated maneuver, so I will do my job right then when it happens.

  1. Praise! Thanks for sharing this insightful and informative article, Faith Sister. It has the ring of truth to it, for how can a driver’s hands be on the wheel at 10 and 2 when at least one of the is shoved down into the crotch of a pair of slacks?

    • Seriously, what is wrong with your face? was the “golden schower of purity” (LOL!)too hot or where you born this way? i mean WTF this isn’t normal! If i had a face like this i would NEVER believe in god. So please use a plastic bag for your face. thanks.

  2. I am sad about the people that believe in this crap, If Jesus was real, He would just be fucking sad at how stupid humanity has become, Everybody that supports this site, Just, You are the bottom of the stupidity barrel.

    • No. As an atheist and a liberal, I believe religious nuts are quite rational compared to SJWs these days. SJWs make religious nutters look quite sane and level-headed by comparison. As an example, a man recently made a great contribution to science by helping put a probe on a comet. Yet the stuff that made the most headlines was the “sexist” shirt he was wearing (designed by his female friend, by the way). As Confucius use to say “When a wise man points to the moon, an imbecile examines the finger”. It is fun to laugh at religious nutters, but fortunately nobody takes them seriously anymore. The problem with SJWs is that they are being taken seriously by the mainstream media. That story about the comet made me wish that our dear “probed” comet would start accusing us of rape, and head our way and kill us all.

  3. Logic and Reason says…
    This article is bullshit.
    The end.
    Ok fine better elaborate.
    Your source of this is not properly cited. It does not follow the strict scientific method and did not control variables. Most importantly, it has not been peer reviewed and the writer is one that works for this site. This inclines to a bias and makes the paper lacking evidence of its claims. Their is no evidence supplied of the conversation, and the study could not be found except on your website.
    And by the way, just because a masturbator is behind the wheel, would not imply that masturbation caused the car crash. Same for passenger. And the other sliver assumes god exists. Next.

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