WATERTOWN- CT (SMNNN)
Throughout the ages, the scourge of self-rape sought to destroy all mankind held dear. Yet some great primitives in ancient times, avoided the plauge of masturbation, and rose above sullying themselves and instead stood tall, proud and self-shame free.
Here is a list of the greatest non-masturbators in history:
5) Genghis Khan
Feared heathen mongoloid Ornamental Khan once ruled most of Masturbasia. Despite have The Downs, and being very, very short, he was a staunch anti-masturbator. He impregnated thousands and thousands and thousands of women. 104% of non-Normals are directly related to him.
4) Grigori Rasputin
Grigori Rasputin, faithful priest-wizard of the Czar of Russia, (and close blood-relation to several SMN staff members), was entirely non-masturbatory and as such, often bragged about fornicating with the entire female populace of Russia. No one can say for sure, but his beard was resplendent, and his Wizard’s game, tight.
3) Ronald Reagan
Reagan, the most non-masturbatory personage of the modern era of 30 years ago, is among the first to proudly take the SMN Pledge, and be awarded an SMN Party Medal. His bid to have the SMN Pledge added to the Pledge of Allegiance was later defeated by the liberal gayosexual communist socialist party that commanded the senate at time.
2) His Majesty, King of Wales, Britain, Ireland, Henry VIII of Tudor
Hank sure got around. He got married 8 times.
He was married to the widow next door, she’d been married seven times before. And every one was a Hen-er-y, there never was a Harry or a Sam, I’m her eighth ol’ man, I’m Hen-er-y. Henry numba eighth I am, I am. Henry numba eighth I am!
1)Saint Lonald Clarence Childs III
Was there even any doubt? He’s the most committed non-masturbator to ever walk the Earth, and we all love him with all our hearts! He is like a father to us all. Praise him and may he bless all of us who matter!