5 Greatest Non-Masturbators In History

Historical list, this time...



Throughout the ages, the scourge of self-rape sought to destroy all mankind held dear. Yet some great primitives in ancient times, avoided the plauge of masturbation, and rose above sullying themselves and instead stood tall, proud and self-shame free.

Here is a list of the greatest non-masturbators in history:

Genghis khan

5) Genghis Khan

Feared heathen mongoloid Ornamental Khan once ruled most of Masturbasia. Despite have The Downs, and being very, very short, he was a staunch anti-masturbator. He impregnated thousands and thousands and thousands of women. 104% of non-Normals are directly related to him.


4) Grigori Rasputin

Grigori Rasputin, faithful priest-wizard of the Czar of Russia, (and close blood-relation to several SMN staff members), was entirely non-masturbatory and as such, often bragged about fornicating with the entire female populace of Russia. No one can say for sure, but his beard was resplendent, and his Wizard’s game, tight.

Abe Lincoln

3) Ronald Reagan

Reagan, the most non-masturbatory personage of the modern era of 30 years ago, is among the first to proudly take the SMN Pledge, and be awarded an SMN Party Medal. His bid to have the SMN Pledge added to the Pledge of Allegiance was later defeated by the liberal gayosexual communist socialist party that commanded the senate at time.

Henry VIII

2) His Majesty, King of Wales, Britain, Ireland, Henry VIII of Tudor

Hank sure got around. He got married 8 times.

He was married to the widow next door, she’d been married seven times before. And every one was a Hen-er-y, there never was a Harry or a Sam,  I’m her eighth ol’ man, I’m Hen-er-y. Henry numba eighth I am, I am. Henry numba eighth I am!


1)Saint Lonald Clarence Childs III

Was there even any doubt? He’s the most committed non-masturbator to ever walk the Earth, and we all love him with all our hearts! He is like a father to us all. Praise him and may he bless all of us who matter!

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

19 Comments on 5 Greatest Non-Masturbators In History

  1. Ronald Reagan was a saint who resisted the truly powering urges of the chimpanzees he starred with in movies. Ronnie was a true teflon saint.

  2. I pray for all of your intellects. That is a picture of President Abraham Lincoln. It is, in fact, not Ronald Reagan.

    • Yes, the masturbators are indeed some of the biggest idiots I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not kidding.

  3. Grigori Rasputin looks like Nikita Shallavin. For innocent eyes with unyielding faith, this is a sign.

  4. 1. I’m pretty sure this site is complete satire… but not convinced 100%.
    2. That is not Reagan, it’s Lincoln.
    3. Henry the 8th, Genghis Khan, and Rasputin were all adulterers and fornicators. Henry the 8th died of complications from STDs. Genghis Khan had a harem and thought daily sex kept him able in battle. Rasputin wasn’t a Christian, he was a sorcerer. Rasputin also indulged in Opium and prostitutes.

    Plz lren 2 reed and rserch plx

  5. you guys are the best and the greatest trolls alive. Now I am enlightened that this site must be made for a joke. You, haters, are all too naive to understand… Thank you anyway. I’ve never laughed this much before. This website keeps me in a bright condition.

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