Death / Family Values / Lonnie Childs / Morals / Spot a Masturbator

Brother Lonnie Saves Flight From Terrorist Attack

In a scene straight out of a Hollywood script, Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs saved everyone aboard a Virgin Airlines flight to Los Angeles from a self-rape terrorist attack by notorious masturbater Doug Adams with the help of Jesus and his blunderbuss “Ol Tess”.

Adams attempted to bring down the flight and all aboard by furiously self-raping in the bathroom which Brother Lonnie’s finely tuned senses picked up on immediately. As an honorary air marshal Brother Lonnie is authorized to carry his vintage blunderbuss affectionately known to the flock as “Ol’ Tess” and with Jesus as his co-pilot, sprang into action firing two shots through the bathroom door striking the self-raping terrorist as he tried to start a fire with toilet paper and the sparks caused by dry masturbation.

Witnesses say the desperate and wounded terrorist forced his way to the plane exit and started masturbating again when Brother Lonnie growled “Get off my plane!” and put two more shots from “Ol Tess” into Adams sending him straight to Double Hell where he will be forced to pleasure Satan for all eternity. The rest of the passengers cheered and placed Brother Lonnie on their shoulders and carried him around the plane in celebration.  Seizing the opportunity Brother Lonnie spoke at great length about the dangers of masturbation using an impromptu baptism ceremony to insert his love into the sin holes and wash away the sins of the seven new converts with his golden shower of forgiveness.

Recreation of terrorist masturbater's last moments before being sent to Double Hell.

Recreation of terrorist masturbater’s last moments before being sent to Double Hell by Ol’ Tess.

While some pro masturbation groups such as Huffington Post and MSNBC have shamefully labelled Brother Lonnie a murderer, he has been cleared of all wrong doing and received his seventh Medal of Freedom.  Harrison Ford is currently in negotiations to play Brother Lonnie in a movie based on his heroic actions tentatively titled “Brother Lonnie: Air Marshal”.  Always modest Brother Lonnie put out this statement “I’m no hero.  I did what any red blooded American white male would do when someone takes too long in the restroom.  Luckily it turned out he was masturbating which made the killing legal.  Praise!”

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LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAPCarlos DangerA Smart GuyAlice LucyMilton Grits Recent comment authors
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Truffle
Member

I weep with pride at just how brave and handsome our leader, Brother Lonnie, is.

Praise all over him!

LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
Guest
LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP

Dude i think your brain just fell out… it´s rolling down the street right now… FAPFAPFAPFAP

Truffle
Member

HomoGay™ , are you on the interwebz unsupervised? Where is your care worker?

augustweisz
Admin

Lonnie is the hero we need but don’t deserve.

LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
Guest
LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP

You derserve the worst. Goatfucker.

Truffle
Member

HomoGay™ , is there a superior male at home we can talk to on your behalf? You are far too upset and masturaged!

Cathy Redmond
Member

The suicide masturbators are the worst – wait, every masturbator is a suicide masturbator. Praise Lonnie that Brother Lonnie was in the right place at the right time.

Milton Grits
Member

I’m boarding an aircraft in just a few hours. I’ll be extra careful and keep an eye out, knowing more and more of these aviation mishaps are caused by masturbators. They need to be grounded permanently!

Nicholas Lee
Guest

Fuck you guys are stupid there is no such thing as starting a fire by ‘dry fire’ and I am willing to bet your Brother Lonnie Childs is a stupid dickless bastard being falsely portrayed as a hero in this stupid non factual article. Besides if it was true why hasn’t the whole world heard about this by now?

Lonnie Childs
Admin

Because the LIEberal media refuses to cover the truth and focus instead on scandal and Hollywood gossip.

Nicholas Lee
Guest

I mean maturbation not fire

Daniel Schaffer
Guest
Daniel Schaffer

Brother Lonnie, you are a miracle worker. We are eternally grateful from protecting us from these disgusting vile self-raping terrorists.

LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
Guest
LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP

I miracle-worked your uncles butthole ´till it was bleeding. And he sqealed like a little piggy. And yes, he hates you…

Truffle
Member

HomoGay™ , you sound like a feminalist. Hush your mouth sweetie.

Purdiepoos
Guest
Purdiepoos

I hope this is meant as a joke because killing anyone is a crime and loaded firearms are not allowed on planes also it takes approximately 45 seconds to reload a blunderbuss

Butta John
Guest
Butta John

I ‘ve heard that this site is supposed to be satirical and that Lonnie Childs is a prankster

Anti-Lonnie Sentiment
Guest
Anti-Lonnie Sentiment

Lonnie Childs Is a delusional C*U*L*T leader that went off his meds and started telling a pack of lies and in addition the media decided Lonnie Child was nothing but a small fry that was not worth reporting about cause he lies all the time

Truffle
Member

LIES! You’re obviously a Big Masturbation agent, sent here to spread you’re filthy propaganda.

LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP
Guest
LanceHardwoodFAPFAPFAP

Ok. NOW i think this is fake. Nobody is that stupid…

Anti-Lonnie Sentiment
Guest
Anti-Lonnie Sentiment

Well looks like I hooked one of Lonnie’ s stupid little cat and did you know you are a fucked up hypocrite as seeing this site spreads the most filthiest propaganda BY he most famously delusional bastard Lonnie Childs

Milton Grits
Member

You need to take that back IMMEDIATELY and choose your words more carefully when referring to our pastor.

Anti-Lonnie Sentiment
Guest
Anti-Lonnie Sentiment

Your pastor is oblivious a fucked up liar and does not deserve an apology .I refuse to take it back because he makes up his own “truth” as he goes around denouncing the real truth for lies and that puts him on par with Jim Jones cause he did the exact same thing

Anti-Lonnie Sentiment
Guest
Anti-Lonnie Sentiment

Carlos Danger you are one hell of a stupid man if you think my “real” name is Anti-Lonnie Sentiment . Everybody on the site can use screen names, idiot!

Truffle
Member

Young lady, are you menstruating? You’re filled to bursting with masturage and hysteria. Is there a superior male at home we could speak to? Its not a good idea for you to be on the interwebz, while in this fragile state.

A Smart Guy
Guest
A Smart Guy

Why aren’t you a sexist fuck? And you’re obviously not very intelligent, considering loaded firearms aren’t allowed on planes and it take a while to reload a blunderbuss, even not considering this, you believe one word of this stupid article about a extremely sexist and racist cult leader?

Anti-Lonnie Sentiment
Guest
Anti-Lonnie Sentiment

Truffles suck my fucking dick you delusional fuck I am the “so called” superior male. Additionally use a fucking dictionary there is no such thing as “masturage”, you stupid fuck!

Milton Grits
Member

Yes, mastur-rage IS an entry in the dictionary. It has your picture next to it.

Anti-Lonnie Sentiment
Guest
Anti-Lonnie Sentiment

In your fucking mind you delusional ass. Go get a lobotomy at the local psychiatric ward it might cure you from being a stupid fucked up delusional member of Lonnie’s C*U*L*T.

Lonnie Childs
Admin

C-hristians
U-nder
L-onnie’s
T-eachings

Alice Lucy
Guest
Alice Lucy

It’s not not self rape. Rape is without consent, and I’m pretty sure you’re giving yourself consent if you masturbate. ‘Brother Lonnie’? This is absolute bull. If something like this really happened we’d hear about it on the news. Nothing makes a killing legal, too. Only God can judge. You’re not God. And by making these outrageous claims, you’ve gained yourself a place in hell. Oh, and I’m not a liberal. I’m from Australia.

Alice Lucy
Guest
Alice Lucy

Wow, not only are you racist and sexist you’re stupid. Hitler was born in Germany, and the Japanese bombed pearl harbour. And you should listen to me because you are not superior.