Brother Lonnie Shatters Kim Jong-Il’s 18 Hole Golf Record

Displaying perfect form, Brother Lonnie shoots another hole in one on a par 5.

 

In Brother Lonnie’s first and only round of golf, he has managed to shatter the 18 hole record of 34 set by North Korean dictator/professional athlete Kim Jong-Il back in 1994 which was also Kim’s one and only round of golf.   Kim Jong-Il’s 38 under par round included an incredible 11 holes in one as he overpowered North Korea’s 7700 yard Pyongyang Golf Complex.  Owing to his white heritage and non-masturbationary lifestyle, Brother Lonnie proved to be a natural golfer as he fired 18 holes in one on his way to a record breaking score of 18 on the par 71 Stadium Course at the TPC Scottsdale.  While Kim Jong-Il has retaliated with death threats, Brother Lonnie remains unconcerned as the ATF and FBI have been yet unable to locate his compound.  Ever the humble sportsman Brother Lonnie had this to say “The glory of this record breaking achievement goes to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who has blessed me with His true Word about the dangers of masturbation.  And in all fairness the credit for my last hole in one should go to that Mexican grounds keeper as my ball struck him on the head and then just so happened to fall into the cup.  I pray at him that he awakens from his coma some day.  Now watch me hit this drive!  Praise!”

Loading...
Pray Against (2)
Carlos Danger
About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

14 Comments on Brother Lonnie Shatters Kim Jong-Il’s 18 Hole Golf Record

  1. It was a privilege to watch this holiest of sporting records come back to white, American, Christian male hands as it happened. I asked Brother Lonnie the secret and he said he imagined the cup was a sin hole and the ball was his love. I used that technique and shot my best score yet an 82! Praise!

    Pray For (5)
    Pray Against (0)
  2. Congratulations Lonnie and praise white American Jesus for answering my prayers on this most glorious occasion.

    Amen!

    Pray For (6)
    Pray Against (0)
    • I could be wrong, but it is my understanding, that it is a game that has become popular in America that involves a ball dribbled by a "pitcher" to a "Nickleback" who then tries to run through a line of 6 - 11 kick boxers to dunk the ball into a goal. If he is successful, that is called a luv. If he is not successful, he ends up on the bottom of a pile of of up to 21 huge thugs. If he survives, the process is repeated, I know that isn't very detailed,I hope it helps.

      Pray For (2)
      Pray Against (0)
      • I forgot to mention that, what you see Brother Lonnie doing in the photo is what I think is called Tebowing. The winner raises a prayer stick to the heavens in thanks to Jesus for rigging the victory for his chosen normals. It is a well-known Faithfact that Jesus cares more about sports than the starving who have chosen their plight anyway.

        Pray For (0)
        Pray Against (0)
    • Golf is a form of self-flagellation that allows you to revel in the pain enjoyed by Lord Jesus and Prophet Job in modern alternative form. The recovery time after God's blessing of pain is much quicker than usual, so you can start right in on new acts of prayer and penance. Alleluia!!!!!

      Pray For (2)
      Pray Against (0)
  3. Praise to Lonnie! Congrats Brother Lonnie, we are so lucky to have you as our prophet and savior

    Pray For (3)
    Pray Against (0)
  4. Praise Lonnie! He would win all the Olympic sports if they didn't use the sinful metric system.

    Pray For (2)
    Pray Against (0)
  5. The injured Mexican man's bill ran up to $73, at which point it exceeded his medical coverage. We had to pull the plug. INS can't hurt you now little buddy. Praise.

    Pray For (6)
    Pray Against (0)
  6. is golf an approved way to play with balls and a big stick?

    I suppose your putting them in a hole so its something positive

    Pray For (0)
    Pray Against (0)

Pray here: