Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

Brother Lonnie exited the holding cell at 1:02pm, with a full confession from Fogle on the cassette recorder

Sandwich Baron

By now you’ve probably already seen the news that former sandwich icon, Jared Fogle, of the famed Subway fast food chain is about to plead guilty to allegations that he possessed illegal child pornography. Prior to this revelation, Fogle had been mum about his level of guilt in the Jared Foundation pornography sweep by federal agents. However, sources inside Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts have revealed that a sit down with Lonnie Childs is what convinced Fogle to admit his guilt in the ordeal.

Brother Efram Sherwood explains that, “In rare instance of cooperation with the federal government, Brother Lonnie agreed to speak with Jared Fogle. Brother Lonnie was transported, along with his security detail, to a secured location to meet with Fogle.”

fat jared
Future prison inmate, Jared Fogle, in happier times before his masturbation addiction ruined his life and career.

Once there, Lonnie Childs was told the situation was dire and that federal agents needed a full confession out of Fogle in order to “get the charges to stick”. Unbeknownst to Fogle, a mishap in handling caused the flash drive with all of the illegal jpg, gif and RealMedia files to be damaged beyond repair. The flash drive was previously the smoking gun that would have condemned Fogle. Brother Sherwood reports that, “Brother Lonnie was willing to extract a confession out of Fogle in return for lessened scrutiny on His various campounds and continued tax-exempt status.” Brother Sherwood was unable to report the remaining terms of the agreement as Brother Lonnie has marked them “confidential”.

“Brother Lonnie entered the holding cell at 11:30am, armed only with a mini-cassette audio recorder and a copy of the King Lonald Holy Bible,” says Brother Sherwood. “Brother Lonnie exited the holding cell at 1:02pm, with a full confession from Fogle on the cassette recorder with only one tiny bead of sweat beginning to trickle down his brow.”

The nature of what went down during those 92 minutes has been classified by the federal government and labelled as confidential by B.L.U.F.F.

“I can tell you that Fogle admitted to being a filthy masturbator,” adds Brother Sherwood. “Brother Lonnie said as far as these types of ‘confessions’ go, Fogle’s was unremarkable. Jared was another weak masturbator who let his unclean desires get the better of him once he became a man of extreme power and influence.”

It was the “same story Brother Lonnie has heard time after time from self-rapists” according to Brother Sherwood.

While the details of Brother Lonnie’s methods are classified, Brother Sherwood was able to say that, “Brother Lonnie got a full confession out of Jared Fogle that included his current status as masturbation addict. Brother Lonnie was also able to obtain the details the federal government were seeking; so it was a ‘win – win’ situation.”

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

3 Comments on Lonnie Childs Pulls Masturbation Confession from Sandwich Baron

  1. Jared, Eat Fresh…..oh ha, ha, Ha, HA! He Was Totally Stroking His Salami! BOING! Pop Goes The Foot Long…..five, FIVE Dollar Foot Long At Subway, EAT FRESH! He Likes To Stroke His Salami…..yummy…….

  2. Just to let you all know I self rape every day & I’m god dam proud..
    If ur so called God didn’t want us to “rape” ourself why did he create us with human nature – nature to explore our selfs.
    Good luck you bible bashing freaks!!!

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