Lonnie Childs Saves Wrestlemania, Convinces Brock Lesnar To Sign With WWE

Brock Lesnar
WWE Champion Brock Lesnar (image source: West Annex News [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)

World Wrestling Entertainment fans can breathe a big sigh of relief as Lonnie Childs has convinced current champion, Brock Lesnar, to renew his contract with the company. Lesnar’s status with the “sports entertainment” group had been uncertain and Lesnar had hinted at a return to mixed martial arts fighting. Things had gotten tense as the WWE’s largest event of the year, Wrestlemania, is this Sunday and Lesnar was still not signed to a new contract. Many speculated that Lesnar would lose the title to largely unpopular wrestler “Roman Reigns” and leave the company to go fight in the UFC. Thousands and thousands of sports-based entertainment fans took to the internet to voice their distaste with the company’s apparent decision to put the title on Reigns, who many feel lacks the experience and skills required to be the top man in the business.

WWE owner, Vince McMahon, finally broke down and contacted Brother Lonnie Childs and asked for his help. Childs has consulted behind the scenes for McMahon several times in an attempt to make the product more family friendly. Many wrestling insiders have quietly credited Lonnie Childs as single-handedly moving the company from a promotion that featured nudity and on-screen homogay weddings, to the more solid promotion based around a powerful, normal man called John Cena. “Lonnie really saved McMahon’s company when He pulled them out of what they referred to as the ‘Attitude Era’,” explains Brother Mel Whitehead of Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. “They (the WWE) have fought His changes tooth and nail at times, however their immense levels of success are firmly based in Brother Lonnie’s value system gradually filtering into their product.”

Brother Lonnie was reportedly whisked away to Los Angeles late last Sunday night and spent ten hours meeting with Lesnar and WWE officials. “He suggested that they sign Lesnar at all costs to save not only their main event, but their company’s future,” adds Brother Whitehead. “Brother Lonnie had other suggestions for the product in that meeting, such as removing all lesser gendered talent from the roster and having the flagship show, RAW, consist of only talking segments discussing faith, family values and why self-rape is wrong. Brother Lonnie didn’t let on how many of his changes were taken to heart; but He seemed optimistic.”

“I really believe Brother Lonnie and Brock were able to find common ground; at least when it comes to their feelings on homogays,” said Brother Whitehead. “Brock made sure to let ESPN know he doesn’t like gays and we all know Brother Lonnie’s feelings on the matter.”

Wrestlemania will be broadcast Sunday, March 29th on WWE’s own network.

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles

Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

4 Comments on Lonnie Childs Saves Wrestlemania, Convinces Brock Lesnar To Sign With WWE

  1. Why do people care if you don’t like things? I don’t like fish. You don’t see people picketing outside my house. I like this Brock guy.

  2. It’s remarkable how much Brock looks like former Toronto mayor Rob Ford.

    Or maybe that IS Rob Ford under witness protection.

    Perhaps I’ve already said too much…

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