Lonnie is Homo With the Father

Pt. 1: History and Controversy


The Father is homo with the Son.
The Son is homo with the Bird.
The Bird is the Word.
In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God.
The Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
Behold, the Technical Virgin was with child.
And she asked the angel Lorenzo Horatio Ribierto III,
“What shall I call him?”
And he answered her, “You shall call his name ‘Lonnie’,
for he shall save his people from their sin sticks.”

If the Father is homo with the Son, and the Son is homo with the Bird, and the Bird is the Word, and the Word is Lonnie, it therefore follows of a necessity that Lonnie is homo with the Father. And the Son. He’s totally homo with the Son. This is the orthodox faith as taught in the King Lonald Bible and by the holy Apostles of B.L.U.F.F., which unless a man keepeth whole and undefiled, he cannot be saved.

Shield of the Holy Trinity, 2nd Ed. ‘He therefore that will be saved must thus think of the Trinity.’ – excerpted from the Lonaldian Creed

Faith Fact v. Faith Fiction: Lonnie is homooúsios (Gr. ὁμοούσιος, “same substance, essence, being”) with the Father or homoioúsios (Gr. ὁμοιούσιος, “similar substance, essence, being”) with the Father? This is no small difference. Adding or taking away a single letter – one iota – from the fullness of God’s revelation in these latter days can be the difference between the blissful repose of the New Safford prophesied in Revelation 21 (KLV) and eternal, conscious punishment in Triple Hell, where Satan will make you his lubed-up sex doll with all the other masturbators and heretics.

Recently, there has been some dissension among members of the campound as to the exact nature of Lonnie’s divinity and his relationship to the persons of the Holy Trinity, 1st.ed. The blessed doctors of the Church (D.C.) have always and everywhere taught (for 1,656 out of 1,981 years and with the exception of Sabellius, Theodotus of Byzantium, Eusebius of Caeserea, Eusebius of Nicomedia, Origen of Alexandria, Paul of Samosata, Emperor Constantius II, Emperor Valens, the Lombards, the Franks, the Visigoths, the Vandals, and too many others to list) that there is one God who exists in three persons. At the Council of Nicaea, 325 A.D., the House passed a resolution decreeing that the Son is co-equal and co-eternal with the Father. House Democrats threw in the Holy Spirit as a rider to try and keep the bill from passing. However, High Christology was at the top of the Republicans’ legislative agenda as it was an election year and the bill made it through anyway. The Equal Christ Amendment was passed by a narrow margin in the Senate and added to the Constantution. Obama wasn’t president yet or he probably would have vetoed it since he hates Jesus and America.

The Council of Nicaea, 325 A.D.

Lonnie’s path to Godhood has not been an easy one. While born of a Vagina Virgin and possessing all the length and girth of deity in his member, it was to be that he should endure many trials and tribulations in order that the prophecy might be fulfilled according to all that was written. Born a sinner like we, his brethren, Lonnie masturbated to Tina Turner at a young age. His basically-still-a-virgin mother caught him and reprimanded him, taking him over her knee and punishing his bare behind. “You’ve been a very bad boy,” she said, spanking him.

Lonnie repeated, “I’ve been a very bad boy!”

She spanked him again, “It hurts God when you touch yourself.”

“I don’t want to hurt God!” cried a 25-year-old Lonnie.

“Jesus wants you to love and obey me. God gave you to me to give back to him as an offering. You’re a special boy, Lonnie, but you’re nothing without me. Do you hear me?? If you ever leave me or look at another woman again, I’ll kill myself! I’m the only woman God wants for you!” Then she gave his rump one last good slap.

Lonnie burst into tears then quickly composed himself.

“Yes, mother.”

Lonnie and the Blessed Technical Virgin

Much like Mary, Mother of God™ and Dr. Aurelius Augustine, D.C.’s faithful mother, Monica, Lonnie’s mom modeled by her righteous example the proper relationship between the sexes. Lonnie learned to regard all women but his mother with suspicion and to see their naked form not as a gift of God, but a snare of Satan. In this way, he learned self-celibacy, setting himself on the path to his ultimate realization: that he was homooúsios with the Father.

It wasn’t until his 30th year that Lonnie became fully aware of his unique relationship with God. Through the clarity of mind and openness to full penetration by the Godhead achieved after years of fapstinence, Lonnie received revelations of grandeur while taking a break from reality in the desert. While in Arizona, God spoke to Lonnie that he was to erect something new, that he was to raise up a staff in the desert like Moses, that the lost, wandering fold of God might once more look upon this pulsating, rock-hard rod and be filled up with the nectar of life.

“How can it be that I am the one whom you send, Lord?” asked Lonnie. “I am a great sinner, for I lusted after a non-normal’s partially visible areolas in my teenage years.”

“All is forgiven, my son,” replied God. “Do you not yet understand? You had to be tempted in all things, yea, even by the flesh of a colored woman. But you have passed through the fires of mortality and now the earthly tent stands ready to be stripped away to reveal your true glory.”

Lonnie’s revelation of grandeur in the desert, whereupon he became homo with the Father. Notice the rock-hard abs developed through years of fapstinence.

“Of what do you speak, Father?”

“Lonnie and the Father are one,” interrupted Jesus, who was secretly listening in on the other phone in the den. “Before Abraham was, LONNIE AM.”

Overwhelmed with joy and wonder at these words, Lonnie prostated himself, kneeling in front of the Father’s shadowy form. “May it be done to me according to thy word. If it is to be thy will to grandfather me into your holy threesome, that we may interpenetrate one another, being homo together from all eternity… praise! The Lord gives it and the Lord takes it. Come, Lord Jesus! Yes, Lord! Yes, Lord! Oh, yes!”

Thus it was that Lonnie became homo with the Father and the Son in the desert under a palm tree. (They got the Bird in on it too.)

About Dr. Cornelius Felcher 11 Articles
Dr. Cornelius Felcher, J.O. is the chief medical correspondent for Stop Masturbation NOW Ministries. Dr. Felcher specializes in Preventative Masturbatory Medicine. His motto is, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of sperm." He has been called the Mehmet Oz of masturbation, the Sanjay Gupta of self-rape, the Drew Pinsky of diddling, the Joseph Mercola of jacking off. Dr. Felcher earned his online degree in Biblical Biology from Brother Lonnie's University of Faith Facts (B.L.U.F.F.), a WASP-accredited reactionary arts college in Safford, Arizona. He is a fully licensed and certified GP (Godly Practitioner) with additional training in TCM (Traditional Christian Medicine), homogayopathy, supernaturopathic medicine, sackupuncture, and various other forms of Sinless Christian Alternative Medicine (SCAM).

15 Comments on Lonnie is Homo With the Father

  1. Look the idiot Lonnie lived with his mom until he was 25 and is gay, huh now you can’t make homophobic sexist comments if you loved your mom that much

  2. All i hear is sin sin sin sin sin blah blah blah

    May as well be saying that existing in the same time frame as a masturbator is a sin

  3. I have a feeling that many of the masturbators who troll this holy netsite will simply read the headline and declare a kind of victory with smug assurance. The joke is on them, however, as the truth is revealed once they delve into the text. Masturbators have extremely limited attention spans, however, so I’m not holding my breath.

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