Today, normals of the faithful flock, I’m going to introduce you to Bryce*. At first glance, Bryce seems Normal enough: He’s a Caucasian male, early thirties, has a good job at a PR firm, follows the teachings of Christ, and always brakes for animals. Looks can be deceiving, however. Bryce is harboring a terrible secret: Masturbation turned his genitalia the darkest shade of non-Normal. When he found out I understood his pain, he agreed to let me interview him. Below is a transcript of that interview.
Bryce, how did this happen?
I believe it was a direct result of touching my genitalia during masturbation. See, I was unaware of the dangers of masturbation. In the news and in Health class, I was always taught it was ok, that everyone did it. I thought it was just a way for me to feel good and relieve some stress.
Yes, the LIEbral media and modern day sLIEntists would tell you masturbation is perfectly harmless, but that is falsehood. I’m sorry you had to learn the truth in such a harsh way. How long did it take your sin-stick to turn this shade of non-Normal?
Mary, I think it took somewhere along the lines of a year.
A year?! I’m surprised you didn’t contract The HomoGay™ after that extended duration of self-rape.
Yeah, I was lucky. I could have ended up much worse off than I am now.
You obviously must have noticed there was something wrong “down there.” I mean, I can’t imagine you went to bed one night with Normal coloration and wore up the next morning the darkest shade of non-Normal.
It was a gradual process. It started off as just a few spots of discoloration, slightly darker than my surrounding skin. I just thought I had gripped too tightly, or rubbed too hard, or something; I just used more lotion the next time I was wrestling the one-eyed monster. Then, I noticed my penis was a few shades darker overall. Over time, it just turned into a hideously deformity. I didn’t even recognize my own schwanz anymore.
You must’ve known something was amiss.
I did. As soon as I saw the skin darkening all over, I went to a doctor. He diagnosed it as eczema and prescribed a topical steroidal lotion.
Typical; he treated the symptoms, but not the disease. Did that work?
For a little while, yeah, it did. The lotion was so smooth upon application, though, that I couldn’t help but rub one out whenever I had to apply it. Before long, I’d say a day or two after I started using the steroidal lotion, I went from wanking it two or three times a week to five plus times a day! I didn’t even want to do it anymore, but I couldn’t get my hand to stop.
That sounds awful! Were you frightened?
I was, Mary, deeply frightened. I would be alone in my office or at my kitchen table, tears streaming down my face, my mouth begging my hand to stop, please, STOP! I never knew what self-rape meant until then.
Bryce, what made you finally realize that you needed to change?
I found myself isolated. I couldn’t let anyone know my secret. I stopped dating. I cut myself off from family and friends. My life became abysmal, but I still couldn’t stop touching myself. Finally, one day, while surfing the Internet in search of a cure, I came across the story of Lonnie Childs and stopmasturbationnow.org. I saw that I wasn’t alone, that masturbation is an addiction, and that I needed help. As I read, I opened myself to Lonnie. I’ll admit, it was painful at first, until finally I received His Golden Shower of Truth. I took The Pledge and I’ve been self-rape free ever since.
Praise upon high! I’m thrilled that you are taking the steps to become truly Normal. What’s being done about your affliction?
I meet with Dr. Cornelius Felcher daily. We start with a ninety minute one-on-one prayer session, and boy, are we fervent! By the time that’s finished, I’m dripping with sweat, loose as a noodle and ready for more Christian healing. Dr. Felcher then uses sackupuncture to release the MRFPs which have built up under my skin and are causing the discoloration. It’s painful, but well worth it! It’s only been two weeks since my treatments began, and I’m already looking less like Tyrese Gibson in the pants, and more like Lenny Kravitz. I’m hoping to be back to my original Anderson Cooper-like coloring very soon!
Bryce, I commend you for your bravery. I know it isn’t easy to talk about this terrible ordeal you’ve been through. I wish you nothing but the speediest of recovery. Thank you.
It was my pleasure. It’s all part of the healing process. I only hope others who read my story will believe the dangers masturbation truly holds.
*Name has been changed to protect privacy
Here is the link to the unedited photo. WARNING: Graphic content, not for lesser-gendered females or viewers under eighteen years of age!