Faith Scientists, working in conjunction with Faith Healers and Faith Physicians, have succeeded in making an accurate, over the counter test for parents to detect masturbation activities in their children. The new test, called F.A.P. Certainty™, will be available by the end of 2014. The test, while being marketed towards responsible parents, will work with potential masturbators of any age. Before the release of the home test, concerned individuals can bring their suspected masturbator to any of the Lonnie Childs Approved® Faith Healing Centers and ask for the Fast Acting Probe test to be done.
“The test is quite simple,” said Faith Physician, Dr. Ryan Hamilton, “the potential masturbator is asked to stick their hand in a beaker of a proprietary solution. The solution is tuned to respond to either male seminal fluid or female vaginal fluid residue on the offenders hand. If the residue is detected, the hand instantly begins to swell, outing the masturbator and shaming them for weeks to come as they wait for the swelling to recede. The home version will be sold as a powder that can be activated by adding the amount of water indicated on the packaging. We expect this test to be a game changer in exposing masturbation. No longer will we have to catch the self-rapist in the act or speculate based on their reading habits or worldwide web browsing history.”
Dr. Hamilton added, “We’d like to thank Lonnie Childs for his generous donations to help fund this important project. While the test will begin as a voluntary measure, we are working with conservative politicians in Washington. Our hope is that the Fast Acting Probe can become a mandatory part of the Affordable Care Act. I know several Senators are fighting to make this test become a mandatory part of all visits paid for by the ACA. If the individual fails the F.A.P. test, they will be subject to fines and penalties.”