New Test For Parents To Detect Masturbation

Masturbation Test

Faith Scientists, working in conjunction with Faith Healers and Faith Physicians, have succeeded in making an accurate, over the counter test for parents to detect masturbation activities in their children. The new test, called F.A.P. Certainty™, will be available by the end of 2014. The test, while being marketed towards responsible parents, will work with potential masturbators of any age. Before the release of the home test, concerned individuals can bring their suspected masturbator to any of the Lonnie Childs Approved® Faith Healing Centers and ask for the Fast Acting Probe test to be done.

“The test is quite simple,” said Faith Physician, Dr. Ryan Hamilton, “the potential masturbator is asked to stick their hand in a beaker of a proprietary solution. The solution is tuned to respond to either male seminal fluid or female vaginal fluid residue on the offenders hand. If the residue is detected, the hand instantly begins to swell, outing the masturbator and shaming them for weeks to come as they wait for the swelling to recede. The home version will be sold as a powder that can be activated by adding the amount of water indicated on the packaging. We expect this test to be a game changer in exposing masturbation. No longer will we have to catch the self-rapist in the act or speculate based on their reading habits or worldwide web browsing history.”

The F.A.P. Certainty Test
The “Fast Acting Probe” Certainty™ test in action. He failed.

Dr. Hamilton added, “We’d like to thank Lonnie Childs for his generous donations to help fund this important project. While the test will begin as a voluntary measure, we are working with conservative politicians in Washington. Our hope is that the Fast Acting Probe can become a mandatory part of the Affordable Care Act. I know several Senators are fighting to make this test become a mandatory part of all visits paid for by the ACA. If the individual fails the F.A.P. test, they will be subject to fines and penalties.”

About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

67 Comments on New Test For Parents To Detect Masturbation

  1. Faith Scientist? Are you people off your fucking meds? This is the most laughably idiotic thing I have ever had the displeasure of reading. Plate tectonic s are an important thing to study! When 2 tectonic plates colide your looking at a serious natural disaster that will anihalate millions of people! Im talking earthquakes, Tsunamis… real apocalyptic shit. Buy studying when and how the plates will move early warning systems can be detected to save the lives of so many! And you want the government the United States Government to invest billions of dollars to stop people from flogging their log? Get real moron no administration would pay for that! Not even a Republican administration like the Bush administration fund something so unbelievably rediculous! Laws should be implemented from letting you people reproduce! Your lack of even the most basic form of intelligence is a Cancer upon the Human race… you are a perfect example of a product of semen that should have been left to dry on the bed sheets or swallowed by that bitch of a mother of yours.

    • Maybe if you weren’t brainwashed by left-wing academia and allowed Christ inside your heart instead of other men inside your rectum, you would know that the earth cannot move. Plate tectonics isn’t real. The earth has very solid foundations. Read Psalm 104:5. God causes earthquakes in places where people don’t know Him in order to punish them, like in communist China and Haiti. Masturbation is the real danger because it is a man knowing another man (himself). Read Leviticus 18:22 and Genesis 38:9-10.

      • You cacauses plates to slip and collide with tremendous force ndem someone to hell for not beleiving what you Do. If you where truley a person of faith you woulrelise that. True Christians dont carry so much hate. And moron tectonic plates are A very real thing.. their movement are caused buy convection currents in the mantle Which causes plates to slip and collide entire mountain ranges have been formed ie the Himalaya s the rockys…. god does not create earthquakes when the bible was written everyone thought the earth was flat… you sir need an education

          • I actually typed this as your son was jerking me off Liam.My sincerest apologies for the spelling the kid can tug. Never claimed to be smart just have more of an understanding of the world than you. Also can you unlock the door to your sons room I want to impregnate your wife.

          • Dennis, so you are now fanticising about my son? You truly are a pervert. Cleaver as you may be, your homogay ways will have no affect on him. I spank the gay out of him on a regular basis.

          • Who is Dennis? You claim to be a man of Christ yet you are so blind from your hateful ways preached to you from a false prophet… this site is full of censorship! You people do not accept others.. if you where truly a Christian you would know that only God can judge others… and the bible does teach acceptance. You are just some lunatic and nothing more or nothing less. Guess I will be seeing you in hell then hey… bring your son I need a toy.

  2. This test ruint my life! I tooked the test and failed, because I had wandered off the path that Jesus Christ wanted for me. But when I got home, I accidently touched my lips with my now-huge fingers, and my lips swelled up so big I couldn’t fit food into my mouth! Of course, it was because a male succubus had invaded my sleep, knowing I was off the path, and now I’m a homogay, too!

  3. Please educate me this is a joke, I’m a believer, but wow, don’t you think this is a little overboard? That is a REDACTED of REDACTED made by REDACTED said REDACTED, when you mix REDACTED and REDACTED together. The other REDACTED are either REDACTED or REDACTED used in the process of making said REDACTED. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe like I said, but, is this not false advertisement?

    • We’ve just been contacted by our liaison at B.L.U.F.F. Pharma, Inc.® and have been asked to censor your comment for listing part of the proprietary mixture being used for their new product.

      • Dear Mr. Liam Mckey, after careful research of you and your Facebook page which is linked, you seem to be hateful, hypocritical, and extremely biased, here’s why. Hateful because of the lack of acceptance of ideas other than your own, which in turn breeds hate.

        • Hypocritical because after a short analysis of your Facebook like page, it’s mostly pages of barely clothed women and hate groups, which makes me sad because you claim to be in christ’s light but have no basis in telling others that they are sinning because truly only God can judge you.

        • I have serious doubts about your ability to perform research on Facebook. I am a man of Christ, as well as a follower of Lonnie Childs, which makes me superior to the likes of you. Have a blessed day

  4. Biased mainly because of you pushing your interpretation on the bible down everyone’s throat, I’m sure you are a respectable man, but there is a reason that there are so many sects of religion, mainly Christianity. Why is your interpretation right while mine is the way of a sinner? That doesn’t seem logical at all because if I’m loving christ and his teachings to the fullest in my eyes why should I change to a way where I feel like I’m constricted and not going on the right spiritual journey.

    • So in closing, please try and be more open minded and christ like,because I don’t believe that this is exactly what he had envisioned… Also don’t hit your son, that’s somewhat illegal.

  5. Why have you become so defensive? Do you know Dennis? Do you talk with him at the Masturbator meetings?

    If I didn’t know better, I would think that you are Dennis.

  6. Not defensive just very hot and horny for an orgy with your son and wife. Your son is the chairman at our meetings ands your wife is secretary of doggy style. Lol you have know idea who I am.

  7. I’m against masturbation, but it’s hard to prohibit children from masturbating when their cartoons shows show semi nude girls which gives them presexual maturation, when girls in their schools wear shorts and when we think it’s all about being 18 and above.
    Prevention is better than treatment.

    • We’ve just been contacted by our liaison at B.L.U.F.F. Pharma, Inc.® and have been asked to censor your comment for listing part of the proprietary mixture being used for their new product.

  8. Hmmm. That [REDACTED] looks exactly like the [REDACTED] [REDACTED] which i just [REDACTED] about [REDACTED]: BANNED PORNOGRAPHICS LINK – please [REDACTED] at this [REDACTED]. I knew your [REDACTED] was a [REDACTED] but now [REDACTED] is [REDACTED] yall are [REDACTED]! What does [REDACTED] say about [REDACTED] again? You are clearly [REDACTED] a [REDACTED] falsely [REDACTED] up a [REDACTED] to [REDACTED] innocent [REDACTED]. What [REDACTED] you [REDACTED] next? [REDACTED] mutilation to stop masturbation? Its your [REDACTED] of people who [REDACTED] people [REDACTED] god and stop [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] [REDACTED] you and [REDACTED] this website!

  9. so as I was saying before loony Lonnie child toucher censored my comment. you Lonnie lovers seem so damn miserable… always condemning people to hell, hating people who tease Lonnie,not masturbating….Lonnie squatting to take a piss because he is so scared of touching his sin chode… all you Lonnie lovers need some dick… I will lend mine and fuck you all till you forget how miserable your lives actually are… why? because I like fucking… and I will fuck all of lonnies followers for something to do… id fuck anything id even fuck a black snake with a fested ass…. one thing I can guarantee Lonnie lovers is in that brief moment when that 16 year old was fingering herself she would have been happier than you head cases…. no matter how many times you edit my comments Lonnie I will post them again and again… because you sociopaths are good sport and fair game.

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