Lonnie Childs

STOP Masturbation NOW Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket® Successfully Deployed At Arizona Juvenile Detention Center

Lonnie Childs received great news over the weekend when the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center in Safford, Arizona delivered the results of a three-month study on the effectiveness of the Anti-Masturbation Strait Jacket®. According to spokesman Dennis E. Cross of the GCJDC, “We found Mr. Childs’s jackets were of great benefit to our juvenile detention officers. Our staff found a staggering 100% reduction in sexual misconduct amongst our youth detainees that were kept in the jackets. One can’t argue with those types of results.”

According to Mr. Cross, the Graham County JDC will sign an exclusive contract with Lonnie Childs to provide the detention center with “more jackets and other restraint systems for alternative uses”. When pressed for more information, Mr. Cross declined to state what other faith products that they plan to incorporate at their center.

Brother Hunter Runyon, speaking on behalf of Brother Lonnie Childs, shared the enthusiasm on theGCJDC’s test, “This is great news as it validates Brother Lonnie’s mission!”. Brother Runyon added that, “We’re going to have extend the working hours as it will be tough for the children to make enoughstrait jackets to keep up with this new demand.” As of press time, all of Brother Lonnie’s faith restraint products are still hand-made by children workers at the Safford, Arizonacampound.

Surveillance footage from the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center shows a teen unable to masturbate.

Surveillance footage from the Graham County Juvenile Detention Center shows a teen inmate unable to masturbate.

“We were more than willing to help out a local businessman like Mr. Childs,” explained Cross. “The local law has its differences with their group for a while now. But, after looking at Mr. Childs’s aims and goals, we found them surprisingly similar to what local law enforcement is also hoping to achieve.” Mr. Cross also mentioned that his superiors have reached out to the Graham County Sheriff’s Department to hopefully convince them to use more of Brother Lonnie’s tactics in the jails and adult centers they oversee. “The reduction in masturbation amongst inmates of all ages is a big concern in Graham County” said Cross. “While always a problem with adult inmates, masturbation in the sexually charged 9 – 17 year olds we house here has been a huge concern. Thanks to these methods, we hope to maintain a 0% masturbation level in our facility.”

Brother Runyon doesn’t anticipate any delays on shipments to private customers who have purchased faith products from Stop Masturbation Now. “We’ll just cut down on breaks, meals and if needed combine prayer classes into the work periods for the children on the assembly lines,” explained Runyon.

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Haveyou Losturmind
Haveyou Losturmind
8 years ago

I pray you don’t have children.

Saved by the Truth
Saved by the Truth
8 years ago

Why do you like masturbation and hate God so much?

Hayden
8 years ago

All of you are taking your religion to the next fucking level. Have some class for Christ sake you crazy pieces of shit. Masturbation is a private matter not something to be publicly discussed.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
8 years ago

100% effective! It’s a STOP Masturbation NOW miracle!

Gianna
Gianna
8 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

Why? Why would you do something like this to children? Do you really have to make those kids feel even worse about themselves? It’s already bad enough that they have messed up enough to be locked up, now you’re putting a straitjacket on them. Do you even understand what kind of abuse that is. It’s like hogtying someone for doing a breast examination. What, are you gonna speak out against those next?

Ronald Leppers
8 years ago

Having your kids in (Anti-Masturbation) Strait Jacket is actually more unnatural than Masturbation. Especially in the teenage years it’s actually good. Various medical and psychological benefits have been attributed to masturbation.

Cornholio
Cornholio
8 years ago

I am Cornholio. I need some lightning for my bunghole. Poooop. Kabooom! Hehehehehe.

Aladeen
Aladeen
8 years ago

Ma vaffanculo porcoddio w le seghe

james
8 years ago

great weight loss aid also

ohioatheist
8 years ago

“Our staff found a staggering 100% reduction in sexual misconduct amongst our youth detainees that were kept in the jackets. One can’t argue with those types of results.”

Of course, if you cut off everyone’s hands, you would see a “staggering” 100% reduction in stealing, too, but that doesn’t mean it’s a reasonable response to theft.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
8 years ago
Reply to  ohioatheist

You have a negative attitude.

Anti Hate
Anti Hate
8 years ago

I am sorry but you sound exactly like any other cult in history. When did God come down and tell you to rule the world? In my bible it says there will be a false God and he will be the anti-Christ. Are you him? I am starting to believe so.

Lonnie Childs
Admin
8 years ago
Reply to  Anti Hate

NOT a cult. That word is offensive. We are an Alternative Religious Movement. Show some respect, you sick freak!

Master of Maturbation
Master of Maturbation
8 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

You and your cult are a disgrace to the human race, “Lonnie childs”. Go suck your own dick and stop being an arsehole.

Fap4Life
Fap4Life
8 years ago
Reply to  Lonnie Childs

I’m fapping to your picture right now.

nigelcovington
nigelcovington
8 years ago

Blow off Anti Hate! What gives you the right to tell others how to raise their children?

mdb
mdb
8 years ago

This shit is simply hysterical. I mean what a great spoofing site! You are cracking me up….

Bob
Bob
8 years ago

No to masturbation. We must end the madness and sin that is masturbation. The Lord wants lots and lots of sodomy. Double and triple pennetration. Fisting for Jesus is the only answer to save your soul.

theGAY Guy
theGAY Guy
8 years ago

I started masturbating at 5 and i cant stop fuck you jesus SCIENTOLOGY IS MY LIFE #jerkoffforzenu

Danielle
Danielle
8 years ago

I’m trying to figure out if this is a fake site similar to The Onion or if this is real…

Liberty
8 years ago

It’s not self rape because you are doing it by choice… I don’t do it because it’s just not something I think I would enjoy

But you guys need to calm tf down ISNT it a form of rape to stop someone from having sex when they want to?

Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs
8 years ago

Please pray to the onion god steve

hot tamale
hot tamale
8 years ago

Find a real hot chili pepper, squeeze out the juice, and place the juice on their sin zones. They will have zero desire to stroke it. Works real well for adults too. You might want to gag them to stifle the screams.

flomgirl
8 years ago

I have 3 boys, this has been a valuable tool in keeping them sin free. Praise!

Jeff
Jeff
8 years ago
Reply to  flomgirl

Oh gosh, 3? I can barely get my only son to wear his lol. What’s your secret?

nadene
nadene
8 years ago
Reply to  Jeff

If you’re serious about using this on your boys you should be reported to child welfare services

N. G.
N. G.
8 years ago

This is outrageous, horrifying, and appalling. I sincerely hope this is a distasteful satire website. If not, you are abusing childern in so many ways! And perverted! Are you watching children touch themselves?! How else would you think this is a problem!! Also–making children manufacture these “restraints” and threatening to take away meals and other basic human rights IS child abuse! This angers me sooo much! You need to be reported to local, state, and federal agenices for you actions! This makes me sick!

youaresickbroken andtotallyfuckedinyourheads iwontprayforyouiwillprayforthekidsaffectedbyyou
youaresickbroken andtotallyfuckedinyourheads iwontprayforyouiwillprayforthekidsaffectedbyyou
8 years ago

I just googled stopmasturbationnow.org because of a ridiculous facebook post. I seriously thought it was a joke… Are you on fucking drugs??????????????????? you belong in the same place as child rapists and people like Kim Jong Un. Seriously if this is real and anyone who is in any way, shape or form even slightly responsible for anything related to this you should be admitted to a mental health hospital for psychiatric evaluation… and if deemed mentally fit then you should be put in a deep dark black CIA prison facility that tells the rest of the world you are dead… Read more »

DextarClaw9
8 years ago

what is this thing
something to treat your children like crazy psychopaths??

Bos
Bos
8 years ago

I wish you don’t have kids. You’re not allowed to have kids. And you know what I wish you burn in hell. But don’t be afraid there is no hell, neither heaven. Only sick, very sick people like you. You’re a shame for USA people. Your website with all your bull shit is worse than global porn site watched by children. I do masturbate, so does my wife and I know so does my kids. And according you I’ll going to hell. So see you there.

Pussy
Pussy
8 years ago

Cathy my god that face, it looks like you really need to be fucked or at least you should fucking touch yourself.

Sexual Repression Is Bad Mkay
Sexual Repression Is Bad Mkay
8 years ago

This looks a whole lot like child abuse to me. These poor kids are likely to grow up with some serious mental health issues. Masturbation is a normal, natural human behavior.

Don Lemon
Don Lemon
2 years ago

Excellent, these should be deployed everywhere. Teen boys and girls should be fitted with these to prevent the ungodly acts.