Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

B.L.U.F.F RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT, SAFFORD AZ (SMNNN)

Even though the STOP masturbation NOW Ministries are busy fighting heathens, non-Normals, heretics, Big Masturbation, and Common sLIEnce, we can’t be there to help everyone beat off Satan all the time. As such, we have devoted a huge amount of resources and over $500,000 USD to compiling a list of the top deterrents of masturbation, that you too, can use at home and abroad, or whenever the need to curtail self-rape becomes duly necessary and paramount.

Use this list wisely, as incorrect following of our holy advice can, and will, cause paralysis, death, horrendous pain, non-healing wounds, or far, far worse!

Praise!

1) HONEY
honey

Honey, long used throughout the flat disc of Earth as a self and other rapes aid, and as a tasty culinary ingredient, was first found to have anti-masturbationary properties by the Ancient Barbarian Chinesers, when it was heated to extreme temperature by the Satanic Buddhist Monks of Zhao-Lin. The monks, being heathens, were filled with Fapasian genes. The monk Hung Lo and Grandmaster Sodang Wong produced the potent anti-masturbation aid ” Anti-Masturbation Aid of the Sky Dragon” or as it is more commonly known, The Cream of Sumyung Guy.

And now, you too may make the ancient masturbation repellent simply by heating common honey to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Once heated, simply apply to the genitals of a disgusting masturbator. The honey will act as antibacterial aid, preventing the many blisters and scabs from becoming gangrenous.

2) CAR DOOR
car door

All places in the great USA have cars, and masturbators. So isn’t it lovely to know you can use one to fight the other to the death?

To use a car door to stop self-flesh sin, simply straddle a car door jamb, and slam the door directly on your crotchal areas, taking special care not to crush one’s pelvis, or become stuck in the latching mechanism. ( this is important, as becoming stuck in the car door latching mechanisms will require your local authorities to use the “Jaws of Life” which could result in you becoming cut clean in half). If you find you have trouble maintaining your composure during this act, have a friend assist you. Remember friends who help friends not self-rape probably won’t get Triple Hell for the myriad of sin they have probably committed.

3) BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER
brown_recluse_female

The Brown Recluse Spider is a comparatively rare arachnid of diminutive size, not commonly found in homes. But fret not, for we at B.L.U.F.F have been breeding and milking these holy spiders for two decades, making them easily available to Normals.

The venom of the Brown Recluse Spider causes Necrotising Facistiosis, or rotting of the flesh at the invenomation location. Simply apply the spider or B.L.U.F.F brand SpiderJuice™ to the offending out-of-control genital, and let nature take it’s course.

It should be noted that this method is recommended only for moderate cases and more severe, as 40% of the treated die of compilations caused by the resulting gangrene.

4) GHOST PEPPERS
ghost pepper

These ridiculous chilies are grown in only the most evil parts of South Greatest Mexico, buy indigenouses, and only then are the chilies used as a convenient tinder box.

Civilized Normals however, have stumbled upon an anti-masturbatory aid, as whether consumed, or applied directly to the genital, they render masturbation utter impossible, and in some cases, cause terrifying hallucinations.

5) LONNIE CHILDS
Lonnie Childs

 

Of course the greatest anti-masturbation vehicle the world has ever know is the Lord’s own Lonnie Childs. When you feel the need to offend God, and touch yourself, stop and imagine the visage of Lonnie, staring down at you judgmentally, along with all the dead relatives you love in Heaven, shaming and chastising your sick deviance.

So, in conclusion, if you self-rape, it’s all your own fault and expect no sympathy from us, as there are plenty of known ways to regain control of yourself, you sick perverts.

Praise!

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles

Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F’s, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

6 Comments on Top Five Self-Rape Detterents

  1. You are absolutely right about the last suggestion. The fat face of a pedofile will absolutely stop anyone from enjoying the sweet sensation of bringing themselves to a wet, wonderful, loud, hip-bucking orgasim. However, now I shall go boil my eyes and then masterbate for my health. Cheers

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