Flock, I would like to bring to your attention the latest danger facing our precious youth: the masturbation band known as Tool. Last week, while hosting my sister’s family at the
compound campus in Safford, I noticed that my nineteen year-old nephew Jimmy was ignoring the Chick Tracts that I had handed out to him and his sisters.
Instead of losing himself in the fine, moral storytelling of Jack Chick as his siblings were, Jimmy was distracted by something he was listening to on his Beats By Dre® earphones. Always eager to understand what could be more interesting than Christian comic books, I casually rummaged through Jimmy’s luggage when he was taking a shower and discovered that he had been listening to a secular music band called Tool.
I was disgustipated by what I learned about Tool after a quick BING search engine search. The cold and ugly truth is that this band is obsessed with masturbation. Virtually every single song in their catalog is an ode to Onanism.
After admonishing Jimmy with a love-filled Christian spanking, I informed him that any further attempt to listen to this band in my home would be met with nothing but intolerance. I then had my security detail expel Jimmy into the surrounding swamplands for the remainder of the evening in the hopes that the alone time would allow for some serious reflection upon his life choices.
The following is a select list of Tool masturbation songs. Please send all women and children out of the room before scrolling further.
- 10,000 Days – Referring to the consecutive number of days the lead singer, Maynard James, masturbated — 27 years.
Sample lyric – “It’s time now! My time now! Give me my, Give me my wings!”
- Ænima – About the repulsive masturbation act of inserting a water douche up the anus while self-raping.
Sample lyric – “I wanna see it go right in and down. I wanna watch it go right in.”
- Bottom – “Bottom” is the name of a submissive homosexual. A homosexual is a person who masturbates.
Sample lyric – “Hatred, weakness, and guilt keep me alive at the bottom.”
- Faaip de Oiad – The title is a actually a German phrase referring to the internet trend known as “fapping”; code for masturbation.
Sample lyric – (spoken dialogue) “They want those major population centers wiped out so that the few that are left will be more easily controllable.”
- Forty Six and Two – The number of times the lead singer masturbated in one day, 42 (a personal record) and his wish to one day break that record by two.
Sample lyric – “Forty-six and two ahead of me.”
- Jerk-Off – Not entirely sure that this song has anything to do with self rape, though the phrase “jerk off” sometimes means masturbation.
Sample lyric – “Consequences dictate our course of action and it doesn’t matter what’s right. It’s only wrong if you get caught.”
- Prison Sex – Another code word for masturbation, for when one is jailed, it is impossible to have procreational sexual relations with one’s same-race spouse. Masturbation is literally the only option for sexual release. Here, the singer dreams of the day when he will be thrown in jail, where masturbation and other homosexual acts are the norm.
Sample lyric – “Won’t you come just a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There’s release in this sodomy.”
- Stinkfist – The sexual act of inserting a fist into one’s anus while masturbating. Another homosexual act.
Sample lyric – “It’s not enough. I need more. Nothing seems to satisfy. I said I don’t want it. I just need it. To breathe, To feel, to know I’m alive.”
- Third Eye – The term “third eye” is an internet code word for “anus”. Masturbators sure are obsessed with that part of the anatomy! More proof that masturbation is a hardcore homosexual act.
Sample lyric – “Prying open my third eye.”
Unfortunately, Tool is currently in the studio working on a new masturbation album. Luckily, however, history has shown that it will probably be another ten years or so before the album is actually finished, so we have a sizable intermission to work with before our ears and morals are assaulted again.
God bless some of you!
– Lonnie Childs