Masturbators Anonymous

 

The 12 Steps of Masturbators Anonymous

1. We admitted that we were powerless over masturbation, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves (Lonnie Childs) could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Lonnie Childs.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to Lonnie, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. We were entirely ready to take the STOP Masturbation NOW pledge of self-celibacy.

7. We humbly asked Lonnie to remove our shortcomings, and administer his Golden Shower of Redemption upon us.

8. We made a list of all persons we had masturbated to, and became willing to personally apologize to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, even if it meant embarrassing them. We donated 30% of our gross salary to the cause, so that others may recover from masturbation.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and work at the campus to improve our conscious contact with Lonnie, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to masturbators, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

343 Comments on Masturbators Anonymous

  1. I would like to prayers for my husband and I. He came home earlier than expected from being out of town and found be masturbating. My righteous Stephen is so disappointed in me. I question if he loves me because he has yet to discipline me for my sin.
    Yesterday a package arrived at the house, turns out he special ordered a chastity belt to help me keep away from my sinful ways. He is my lord and master and I must obey him in all things and take the domestic discipline he punishes me with with courage. For these are true acts of love on my feeble sinfulness. Praise God!

    • what the hell is wrong with you people?! masturbating is 110% okay, its natural!!! dont let some stupid book tell you what to do, because nobody knows if the biblle is legit, for all we know, someone could have written it as a fictional story!! and as for the belt, if he beats you with it, he could be arrested. i bedt he jacks off daily, so stop being goodie goodies and do whatever the hell you want.

    • Maisie, it is good that you recognise your feeble sinfulness, it is the first step along the path to righteous forgiveness. Masturbating is truly a terrible thing. Giving pleasure to yourself alone without allowing any body else to participate is selfish and truly a sinful thing.

      It is important that you come to terms with how bad your sin was. Were you playing with your pussy gently by rubbing your clitoris or were you really going to town and fingering your wet hole, perhaps even thrusting 2 or more fingers in? A terrible sin indeed. I sincerely hope you did not insert such terrible objects as a dildo in your wet pussy or finger your tight asshole. Did the pleasure you receive from it bring you to a climax?

      Doing these things without your devoted husband present is truly outrageous and sinful. Your husband is right to order a chastity belt for you and keep you in it until you can learn how to behave. You should take the punishment that is coming your way and ensure that you honour and obey your husband. Save him from the sinful ways of masturbation by sucking his cock at every opportunity and offering Stephen your body for his pleasure. By saving Stephen from sin you will be forgiven for your own sin. To truly ensure that you are forgiven you must allow your husband to enjoy himself with you and also your best friend so that together you may collectively save each other from sin. In fact the more people you enjoy together the greater the sin that will be saved.

      I hope you repent your sinful ways and learn to save your body for your husband.

      • The bible states that you can only have any sort of sex only for producing children. Not for pleaser for the two. But to be honest, masturbation is not a sin. And for you to use terms unnessasarry Father, i dont believe you work for the church nor care for it. You must just have said Father O’Brian for the “laughs”. You used cock and wet pussy which I have ever heard a Father say before so… I’d also like to say that “belt” can also be used for abuse so I wouldn’t be encouraging it. Plus sucking his “cock” is not pleaser for her but only for him. She should not have to save her body for a dirty, cock sucking bastard who probably cheats on her while he’s “out of town”. Just saying “Father”.

    • Father O’Brian seems like a very intelligent man who knows a lot about the church and its teachings. God calls for us to make love often with our spouses. In fact, the absence of or inability to participate in sexual intercourse with one’s spouse makes the marriage illegitimate. Therefore, you must repent. I would recommend masturbating with a crucifix to let the good Lord enter into you, erasing the terrible sin and making it a praise to God. Also, do anal with your husband. I feel it is something the Lord is calling you to do.

    • Okay so I’m french and educated so I know the opinions presented here do not represent what christian american people think.
      But seriously!? Some people are at this level of fundamentalism and ignorance!? Please do study the Bible in an intelligent way; there is no such thing as “self rape”.
      And, you , uneducated fundamentalist who reads this comment, stop with the racist comments against anyone who isn’t a “good ol’ american from the bible belt”
      All men are created equal and if ever somebody has been told one must marry someone of “the same race”, don’t listen to what your parents or whoever else tells you to do so. Marry who you love; an american, an african, a chineese person or even a person of the same sex if it is who you love.
      Go to school, to college, study, graduate from Harvard, Oxford, Stanford or any other great place.
      Travel around the world! Visit great places! Meet new people from around the world and see that the ones you call “niggers” or “aliens” are in fact great,greater than the ones who hate and do not know.
      Make your own opinion about the world and stop relying solely on one “pastor’s” hate preachings.
      Find out what the world is like and make your own opinion about it! ๐Ÿ™‚
      I feel sorry for you if after reading this comment you tell yourself “He is just a satanic idiot” or sometihng of the sort.
      That is all I have to say to you and I hope you will think about this message (especially if you are a kid and unsure of which road to follow)
      I will pray for you for the same reason as I pray for ISIS members who seem to be lost in their fundamentalism.

      Some “french idiot”

      PS: please publish me in the “masturbhaters” section. (You will do it without censoring thus message if you really stand behind what you say)

      • You probably don’t speak English as your native language, which may have made it harder to pick up on, but let me let you in on the secret… the site is satire. It’s hilarious. Thanks for contributing to the hilarious mockery, masturhater!

    • I wander? That’s how Jesus feed the people the day he gave the “sermon on the mount” He give each woman the finger and he Fed the 5 thousand with loaves and fishes. LOL!

      Even God loves a Self-Fornicator. if you finger causes you to sin cut it off threw into lake of fire. Forgive me o Lord! Thu has given thyself the finger! OH God, I’m cumming!

    • my momy die frmo matubating fro to long and it hurt us !!!!!!!! :((((((:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  2. HAIL SATAN AND MASTURBATE!!!!!!!!! I FANTASIZE ABOUT HAVING SATAN AND SHREK BUTTRAPE ME!!!!!! AND I ENJOY IT!!!! FEELS GOOD MAN!!!

  3. You jbow sometimes I like to self rape because taking the power away from my genitals guves me such a rush. My genitals just make me so mad sometimes ya know? Fuck them they deserve to be raped.

  4. This can’t be serious, or real. If this actually is real, do you guys think it’s too late to sign up to live on Mars? Asking for a friend.

  5. Please pray for me and my wife she came home early and found me training my pet snake to go up my asshole and out my mouth. That’s not the worst part my wife shoved a rat up her vagina to lure the snake into feeling her up. I hope I am punished for my sins and tought right from wrong I am a terrible person.

    • Then he has to apologise to the fifty year old ornamental man that drew all the tentacles and Sex-children.
      stop looking for loopholes, you have to complete each step…you can do this. ๐Ÿ˜€ High five!

        • Yeah okay. Thing is, we dictate our own lives and discover our own bodies how we like to. Telling a person she or he cannot touch their own bodies is frighteningly wrong. Get your nose out of the bible and into some scientific research. You’ll be better off.

          • When your destructive and discusting habits begin to affect others, then yes, it is our business. Also I shall refer you to the many studies by the Foundation for a Better Tomorrow on the negative consequences of the masturbation.

        • this website is far from family friendly. I don’t know where the fuck you’re getting that shit. Probably out of your ass hole, like when you’re sodomized.

  6. Pray for me, I am a God fearing American, and in 37 seven years have never, EVER masturbated, now I have to carry my balls using a wheelbarrow so you know what? I am going to jerk off and unload until they reach a more manageable size or until my balls can fit again on my 501’s. God bless ye all

    • That is a horrible thing to say around nice people. Thank god for this website. People need help from the dangers of touching the crotchless parties.

  7. I really hope that this site is a joke. Masturbation is totally OK and even necessary to keep your pipes cleaned out and in good working order. The idea of “sin” is just an attempt by religious nutjobs to inflict emptional distress on people too.

    And I’ll go a step further and say that homosexuality is perfectly normal too. There is no “sin” involved in being gay either.

    • Homogay is not a sin exactly. but by its nature it is clearly practiced by a minority of the population, so cannot be considered normal. if you stop masturbation, you may well get better. my prayers go at you.

  8. I beat my meat left right and center! Fuck! I sometimes even do it in church cause I know God is watching me! Those red devilish eyes staring down from the cross just makes it all the more fun! I like to think about the first time I got a bone and tried to stick it in anything that resembled a pussy! I used the bible once too! OMG what a rush! You guys are pathetic and fucking losers for believing that God will send you to hell! And I will sign this off with Hail Satan!

  9. Damn you people for making me laugh so hard! I work in a quiet, sedate office and now everyone thinks I’m a lunatic for laughing hysterically on a Tuesday morning. Anyway thanks for the laughs everyone I’m off to the men’s room to rub one out and try to stop laughing for a minute because my stomach hurts!

  10. Can someone tell me if this is actually a satirical site? If not then they’ve done an amazing job of making themselves look completely ridiculous lol.

  11. There are to many things to worry about in this life. You should worry about all these wars/mass killings around the world, envernmental pollution, racism/shooting young blacks, political madness, human common sense rejections,…. talking or thinking about mastrubation by leaving all these other more serious issues is like worrying about rain in your neighborhood while tornado it tearing up other places.
    God bless you all.
    Get all that donation money and go help ppl in South Global who are dying with hunger, horrible diseases, and more .

  12. Ol Great Prophet protect the Lamb from the False Shepherd as he will leave our Lamb astray. Oh Father Washington, Father Jefferson, Father Franklin wash my sins as I entered the new Eden. By the sword, the key and the scroll I shall be protected from the sins of the False Shepherd, amen!

  13. i hope you have temptation at guard i have , i weekly slice the sides of my fingers to remind myself of the pain it will bring me in hell. i pray you all proceed towards god as i am. chastity belts are going for a tenner on ebay.com. god bless America.
    14,F, Nyc,NY

  14. Im so sorry, please forgive me.
    Yesterday i caught myself masturbating to shitting BDSM transexual disabled interacial orgy midget porn.
    Satan took me by the hand and forced me to rape myself over and over up to seventeen times, ejaculate into a bag, then drink it.
    I tried to tell my preist but he called me a disgusting faggot and punched me in the head, im being serious, i need help.
    Pray for me so i dont end up self-raping myself in hell for eternity.
    Please.

    • Your priest did what was necessary. He sounds like a God fearing, righteous man. You won’t be self-raping in triple-hells, Satan himself will be raping you, consistently, in front of all your family members.

  15. Here’s a quick story. Jesus I need you now because I feel sinful. I woke up and felt the urge to touch myself. ..I am sorry to say I did. Then I touched myself 3 MORE TIMES that day because there is nothing wrong with it. Seriously people we as humans need to focus on other things in life. Masturbation has been going on for hundreds of years. It is natural so how about we focus our time and effort on bigger things instead of petty stuff. Okay? Good.

  16. AHAHAHAHAHZHAHAHAHAHHHHH THIS IS BULL SHITT AHAHAHHA! there are so many studies showing how masturbation removes stress and can be healthy for people! not to be ignorant of your bullshit beliefs but jesus Christ

  17. I have mastubated 2 times a day every day ever since I realized it was fun. Sometimes I do it myself sometimes I get others to do it for me, I enjoy it very much puts a spring in my step every day… I came to this site looking for Christian Prudes I can pick up… if you preach that I am not aloud to do it myself than you can do it for me…

  18. Yo ight look I wuz sitin at dis bench in da park wakin my pipe and dis old lady seen me I feel bad now doe cuz Ion wanna be jerkin my gerkin to ole ladys, know what im sayin? Jus say a prayer fo me so ion be polishin my 1 eyed gopher to no mo old ladies

  19. Es realmente increible que siga existiendo gente tan, pero tan cerrada… Lo siento por ud., pero la masturbacion es uno de los placeres humanos mas gratificantes que existen, ahora, si sus mentes tan cerradas no les permiten ver la belleza en el acto, por favor dediquense a otra actividad… la masturbacion no se trata de religion…y como siempre, la religion no deja de ser una interpretacion….

  20. Dear father, i have sinned and touched the forsaken genitalia area more times then i can count. My father caught me in the act and has chopped the forbidden object off of my body so i may never become a victim to satans will again, i feel i have been pleasing the devils desires, FORGIVE ME. wait, what the fuck, KIM KARDASHIAN PHOTOS LEAKED? alright fuck you im gonna go have some FUNNNNNN

  21. yo bitches, masturbations is 69420% a-okay. i do it 24/7 and it feels great. Stop listening to the liberal communist scum that has taken over the churches trying to deprive us of one of God’s truly greatest gifts, self-pleasure.

  22. Sometimes I just to like to sit around and shit in a toilet and eat my own feces and with the left overs i like to smear them on my sin stick and go to town. I’m sorry i wish I could stop.. Help me!

  23. Im currently sitting in my car, waiting to start work and my phone vibrated in my lap, turning me on. I got my friend to ring my just so I could have the phone vibrate against my already wet pussy. One fonger in, two, thumb on my clit. Im sorry but I cannot help but self-rape. God forgive me for I have came multiple times already. My thighs are quivering and im workin up a sweat. Sorryyyyy

  24. “We humbly asked Lonnie to remove our shortcomings, and administer his Golden Shower of Redemption upon us.”
    That is like a piss-sex-thing right???
    Lonnie is probably a frustrated gay guy, just wanting to know all sexual details about people masturbation….

    Listen Lonnie:
    I jack off at least once a day…
    if not: I dump my cum in the mouth of my boyfriend!
    AND I LOVE IT!!!

    It makes me an even nicer person!

  25. I jack it 10 plus times a day while stimulating my own prostate with a runners baton. I <3 jacking off. Especially into the hair and face of random people at Kids R' Us. Busting nuts are the best. My girlfriend lets me do it while she licks my tight little asshole. Im not asking for prayers. I just though Id share

  26. Is this honestly a thing? Self rape? Are you kidding me? Instead of wasting your time worrying about people jerking, why Dont you look at some real problems. You say your God made this earth so why don’t you fight pollution, deforestation or many of the other ways this planet is being destroyed. But nooooo you must spread the word of self rape. What is wrong people. Religion does more harm then good.

  27. Everything about this website is not only wrong– It’s contrary to Scripture. There is NOTHING in the Bible that condemns masturbation. It’s not a sin. Lust after a person you’re not married to is a sin, and often times that’s part of it, but it isn’t always and nor does it have to be. What IS a sin, however, is shaming people and elevating yourselves. You don’t get to decide who goes to hell. Oh and by the way, calling genitals “sin sticks” and “devil’s buttons” is literally calling God’s own beautiful creation demonic (also a sin). God invented sex and he made it feel good. I’ve been masturbating since I was four years old, and because of that, I know my body well enough that I was able to teach my husband about it, and we have a fantastic sex life, which is exactly what God wants for us in marriage!
    Stop making innocent, SAVED people feel shame. It’s wrong and harmful.

  28. Also it’s institutions like this that make Christians look pretentious, abrasive, and freaking insane. You are successfully turning people away from God. Who, by the way, teaches love, joy, peace, and compassion. Pretty much the opposite of this website.

  29. ANYONE TRYING TO AVOID THE DEVIL MASTURBATION PLEASE READ:

    i am a 21 year old female and i am slowly taking off all of my clothes and rubbing my large breasts and swelling clit. as i slowly stick my fingers inside my moist vagina i can feel the surges of passion and extreme pleasure tingling from my toes to my head and back again. slowly i remove and reinsert my fingers, speeding up gradually until i cant take it any more and the pleasure explodes out of me in one amazing climax….

    now stop being a pussy, go jack off, and get off this retarded website.

  30. Loopholes. Hentai. And masturbation isnt a sin nor a crime anyways you fucking retards. Long live Stalin. Fuck Amerikkka. And Jesus was a Jew, born in bethloham, middle east. He was hung by romans. He was not parasitic white nor was he a little eichmann.

  31. I will pray to Lonnie every day. All hail our great overlord, Lonnie. God? Who is that? What’s his first commandment? No Lonnies you say? Ok. This site is making me laugh so hard.

  32. I was once a Homogay who masturbated every chance I could get. I realized that I grew more distant from family and got depressed. Then Lonnie saved me.
    Praise Lonnie! Praise the Father!

  33. Jesus ain’t White? Well, that’s a load of crap! I got a little statue of him on the dashboard of my car and that sumbitch is blanco as all get out. Except at night, when he shines green.

  34. What the heck is this! This Lonnie guy wants to be praised and thinks he is a higher power REALITY CHECK no and if your trying to use the bible as sourses AND THINK YOUR GOD then your sick and that completely disrespects me as a Christian. Comments such as “have fun in hell” Lonie what the Heck your are not a HIGHER POWER I would love to have a phone call with you

    • Lela, because any phone conversation we had would surely devolve into a hysterical sobbing fit on your part, I would love to have a chat instead with your male superior. Please have him call me 785.273.0325 and we’ll work together to set you straight. Blessings!

      • I hope your joking. She’s wanting to speak with your sorry ass. If you have any common sense you would know that this is the 21st century. What is with this “Male Superior” crap, we are both equal. IF you are a true man, you would have the balls to talk to her.

  35. I came here for help this week because i realized how deep on masturbation i was.
    I reached a breaking point when i started masturbating with everything that moved, i masturbated when i saw my dog, when i was in school and when i came in this website, in fact, i came when i was writing this

  36. Wanking is like the best thing ever. I wank 4 times a day while watching hardcore lesbian anal fisting. I also enjoy popping my thumb in my butt for that bit of extra pleasure.

    Masturbating <3 <3 <3 <3

    Il masturbate thinking about bby jezus 2nite <3

  37. I am ashamed at the immortality of these comments! Masturbation is a sin, just as all sins are equal, masturbation is no different than murder or adultery! Each and everyone of you should repent for your foul language and request forgiveness from our almighty; or else prepare to burn in hell!

    • Holy shit. I didn’t think there would be anyone taking this serious. I’m Christian myself and I believe in god. I’m not masturbating. Still, I hope you will burn in hell for using the most powerful gift god gave to us – words! – in a such offending and stupid way. Talking shit is, in my eyes, a much greater sin than masturbating.

  38. So… I’m bisexual and masturbate almost daily, get over it. For you that say being gay is a one way ticket to hell I ask you to consider this: one of the TEN COMMANDMENTS is love thy neighbor, correct? Although the bible says “man shall not lay with man” the bible itself was written by men. The Ten Commandments were written by GOD HIMSELF. To error is to human my friends yet God is never wrong. So, instead of having an almost cult of people hating gays and hating against people who masturbate and praying for them for their “sin” I think we should have a site where people learn to love their neighbors – no matter their beliefs, practices, or sexual orientation – and pray for people who are too ignorant and full of hate to do otherwise. So yeah… There’s my little rant, take it how you like ๐Ÿ™‚ p.s. I’m 16 yet wiser than half the people on this site that buy into this Lonnie character and his absolute bull crap that’s borderline blasphemy

  39. I just masterbated 3 times today and i plan on one more session before the nights over. my hand is alittle tired but all else is fine.

  40. I am a 24 years old guy and i end up masturbating like three times every 4- 7 days even though i tell myself never again like every time haha but seriously this time im trying to take a longer break until I can get a girlfriend pray for me please

  41. We pray for the nations and people that right now diseases fighting starving etc., aren’t heard about. Instead good deeds get really boosted up and super good luck and well-being happen for them. Im the guy who posted about masturbating three times once a week. I love girls. They are so awesome.

  42. This entire site has made me laugh. At first, I was confused and annoyed by the idiocy of Christians. Now I’m laughing at the idiocy of Christians!(By the way I’m am an atheist, and I masturbate 3 times a day.) Have at me!

  43. I stopped masturbating when I started working in the sex industry. Now I have so much sex, I don’t have the time or the drive to masturbate. I think it’s an excellent opportunity to have all these sinners repent and stop masturbating so much.

  44. I love my penis and I love to caress me and if I can not I’ll kill all my neighbors and I will continue my quest until people react and when it will stop me I’ll masturbate with my gun to my head and when I’m going to ejaculate I will kill myself.

    Thanks god for hate just because I touch myself.

  45. I masturbated 3 times yesterday and once this morning……2 of the 4 times were with my fiancee and that was after we had sex and she wanted to swallow my seed. Being a nympho I feel that masturbation is an essential part of my life. That way I do not stray from my relationship to fulfill my desires elsewhere. In other words, it is funny to read this website and I am going to go to a free porn site and masturbate soon

  46. A lot of people are out of work right now… but there are a few jobs in the fishing industry, putting bait on fish hooks.

    An industrious, hardworking person might someday work their way up the hierarchy to become the Master Baiter.

  47. Hahahahaha ohhhh this is so fucking funny… Although… I’m still not sure wether this is true or a joke O.o
    Because honestly, have you ever seen South Park? This is ridicularly similar to the episode with Randy beeing addicted to alcohol… C’mon guys, I mean… don’t be silly

  48. And THIS guys is why there are so many atheists. People just don’t want to believe that a god would create human beings who are so stupid.

    • God created man in His image, granting him free will. Some men were tempted by Satan and failed to beat him off, masturbating in the face of God. Masturbators truly are the stupid ones, denying Christ and His promise of eternal salvation for the cheap thrill of self-rape. I pray at them.

  49. Sometimes, I pretend this site is for real, just to practice handleing the mentaly disturbed portion of the internet.

  50. well people it says in bible not to pray to false gods or idols,,,,,so would it not be againts the bible to pray in the name of lonnie childs he is not god.

  51. Pray for me because I’ve having the urge to kill and eat people again. Wait, this is Cannibals Anonymous right?

  52. Oh my goodness…. You can not praise God and “praise” this thing in the same lifetime! These…. whatever they are, are lifting Lonnie up instead of Christ; like he’s trying to replace Him. The Bible warned us against the anti-Christ. :/

  53. I don’t know if I sinned so I want to explain my story and hopefully you guys can clear this up for me. So I didn’t really masturbate, I just kind of y’now, stuck my pecker in a jar of peanut butter. It was hot outside and I heard it was a good idea to keep cool, my A/C was out. I accidentally liked it too much and slung some yogurt in the jar if you catch my meaning. I don’t want God to hate me, so am I going to be okay?

    • You’re going to be fine teddy. Plus, now you have a delicious flavored peanut butter to spread on your toast, sandwiches, etc. ENJOY!

  54. I’m masturbating 6 times per week and having unprotected sex with my friend, what you gonna do about it? Also im atheist.

  55. u see ive been masturbating for a while to jenniffer lawrences tits and now im ready to stop after a while of masturbating it feels–wrong. wrong as in when i cum instead of cumming i just have air come out, its rather scary. thats why im done masturbating for good and u all should stop too

  56. Hello, I’m Satan and I love Jesus. He touches my princess parts. Jesus loves everyone. You have no right to judge me or else you will be sent to my place after death. Only Jesus judges me. Ily.

    -The Illuminaughty

    P.S. you haters brokoro my kokoro

  57. i pray that the homestuck fandom touches everyones kokoros here <3
    gOD BLESS YOU ALL!!11111!!!!1!

    no really like this comment thread is ridiculous sorry for sharing my god forsaken opinion

  58. I should go to hell for this but I’ve already been to hell. See you all in therapy! ๐Ÿ™‚

  59. Actually sex drives nature and passes on the next generation and have the species survive. So really, it’s not a sin to have sex and if it is, then that’s going against nature entirely and if you think the world will just stop because someone had sex, you’re completely stupid as fuck! X3 โ™ฅ

  60. Hi my name is Jesus and I do this every Sunday. Like I know you guys are obsessed with me and everything but you didn’t have to write a book about me. But masterbating is fun to do and fun to watch. Trust me. I’ve seen all of you do it.

  61. Masturbating is fun and I do it everyday, sometimes more than once. If you can convince me otherwise by emailing me lilywalters@yopmail.com then i will donate ยฃ100 to a charity of your choice. bring it wankers.

    p.s I don’t believe in god. I’m atheist/smart.

  62. Hey
    my Friend Martin Darlo linked me to this site
    and I have to thank him since I finally found a community being able to understand my problem.
    My problem is that it became a habit of mine to get a bible and read Matthew 12, 18 (and a bit around this). While I do this I am turned in the direction of the setting sun and masturbate furiously to the fact of Isaiah being gay.

    How can I get rid of this sinning behavior?
    And can I still get into heaven? (maybe I can find Isaiah up there and finally get fulfillment without masturbating)

  63. oh man I just can’t stop masturbating. I masturbate everywhere. On the couch, in my room, even on the city bus! Everywhere I go fap fap fap. I fapped to this website twice already. Hell, my hand is currently on my dick. Brb, gotta finish polishin’ the chrome dome if ya know what i mean ( อกยฐ อœส– อกยฐ)

  64. lonnie help me, for i have sinned. i just LOVE touching my peepee (to be clear im talking about my pussy, not the pepe the frog meme) to pictures of my daddies: bill nye, adam sandler, danny devito, preofessor severus snape, dr heinz doofenshmirtz, guy fieri, steve buscemi, and of course YOU. thats right. i admit it. this website, and you my god lonnie make my pussy DRIP and my nipples HARD. its like niagara falls down there and two tents underneath my shirt i cannot help myself. i need your help and i can get this 2 ways
    1) i need you or my father jesus to give my money maker (my pussy) a good succ
    2) dick me down good

  65. I literally finger myself everyday multiple times. I also have sex all the time with May different boys, I’m 15, I even touch myself for boys because it’s a natural thing to touch yourself and guys find it hella hot!

  66. I am 25 years old now. I started masturbating at the age of 14. My highest is masturbating 5-6 times a day. My lowest is Masturbating atleast once a day. I sometimes feel the guilt . I sometimes feel my nerves getting weaker. I have learnt the goods about masturbation and BADS about Continuous Masturbation….. I have tried to stop and I have controlled my urge at the maximum for one month. But its back to the pavilion again. I masturbated even when I had girlfriend. She satisfy me sexually. But still I masturbate. It’s been 11 years now. I am planning to stop masturbating one year before I plan to marry. So that I will regain more strength and be ready for my wife.

    I don’t think masturbation is a crime. But continuous masturbation like me….over a long period….I think it has to stop.

    I am not controlling it. I am just letting out myself and going to masturbation again….and again….and again….

    I am aware about Prostrate cancer. yet I don’t seem to stop the practice. I am aware about the drops of blood loss in the form of ejaculation. Still I don’t seem to stop it.

    I hope I will stop it once I get married. But not sure.

    My word of advice. Make sure your teenage children are not alone at home for long to try all these and get addicted. It is ABSOLUTELY FINE to watch porn and to masturbate. But CONTINUOUS MASTURBATION OVER A PROLONGED PERIOD of many years……that’s a cause for concern!

    Thoughts, suggestions etc welcome! ๐Ÿ™‚

  67. Indeed ANOON! I would say it is better to masturbate than to rape! I am not saying this in terms of pleasure. But don’t force others for your pleasures! If at all you want to force, do it with money on persons willing to do for money!

  68. No body is going to read this comment frvjnuvfrijmmujvfrjnjvrfnjnfvrnnjfrvnjnfvrnhjrfvfnrnjvhbtvhgtvghnujjm7)!4;,)7!,;4!7),4,7!$,5;!$;$,53773$:’fmf้‚ฃไบ›ไบบ่„…ยท้€™่ฃกๆฒ’ๆœ‰่ช ๆ„ๅ’Œ๏ผŽๆœ‰ๆฉŸๆœƒ็š„ๆ„Ÿ่ฆบโ‹ฏโ‹ฏๅœจไธ€ๅฎถไธ‰ๅฃๅœจๅฎถไผ‘ๆฏ่‡ณๅฐ‘ๆˆ‘ๆ˜ฏ่ฆบๅพ—้‚„๏ผŸ๏ผŸ้€™ๆจฃ!:๏ผšUFUCK

  69. I have a gf and we have sex like three times a week, I masturbate and she masturbates so it’s not like it fucking matters

    I’ve been beating it for the past 10 years now, and ain’t shut wrong with that.

    If you think it makes you unfaithful or something that’s bullshit.

    Anyways this site is way too over the top, it can only be satire, or extremely right wing.

  70. I would like to begin by saying this is serious topic. I am grateful to God for leading me to this website whilst master-bating. I have discovered though the website that I was living a sinful life. I to like many other inserted foreign objects in my orfices. Although my inner goddess was purring with unadulterated pleasure, I now understand that I was committing various sins. Time and time again I would resort to masterbation as a stress reliever. I recently quit smoking and I found that masterbation was a liberating experience. During my time exploring myself I felt free and liberated. However, recently it has become increasingly difficult to control myself, particularly in public places. At this time I would like to share a quick experience with everyone so that you can understand me better. During my exams I found thoughts wandering, I could only think about my sincave and what I needed to do. I was forced to leave my exam half way through to use the bathroom where I pleasured my sincave, subsequently I reached an agonizingly turbulent climax. Does anyone have any advice, I am at a loss. Can I even be saved at this point?

    Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers,

    Wendy Strokes’ A Lot

    #STOPMASTERBATINGNOW #NEWYEARNEWME

  71. I love the way I take myself again and again, It’s hard when you’re hung like a mule and about as smart as one. When I sleep with my boyfriend I can feel his heartbeat in my ass as he crushes my prostate- I literally cum hands free. This site makes me want to give head.

  72. I like to masturbate while reading the bible in church. When I climax, I rip out a page and wipe my cum with it. The pages just feel so good against my throbbing clitoris.

  73. When people deny that self rape is rape, it fills me up with shame for them. It’s by far the worst kind of rape. Just look at all the evidence guys. My prayers for all of you are getting very hard all the time, and I’m getting them off to God as fast and as frequently as possible

  74. My names Randy McDandy. I don’t need to beat my meat, God gives me enough pleasure. I caught my friend masturbating just the other day whilst looking through his bedroom window at 3.45 am. I barged in through the door and punished him for half an hour then let him punish me, but he could only do it for 10 minutes. I don’t think I punished him hard enough so I’m going to have to punish him even harder tonight.
    Anyway just remember guys God is watching you touch you touch yourself the saucy bitch.

  75. Oh my fucking god i am fucking dying of laughter at this entire site. Thank you to the geniuses who made such an amazing comedy site. i havent laughed this hard in weeks. Im gonna go jerk off now.

  76. Oh thank Lonely children, I confessed to my Boyfriend about being a masturbating nigger lover, He then hit me with his belt, called me a dirty slut, tied me to the bed and out my man meat in a cage, the much like you lonely child HE covered me in his golden shower of redemption, and made me clean off his double digit black cock. Thank the lord i am saved and no longer a sinful negro loving masturbater!

    • we dont like your kind round here, god damn nigger lover! i bet you love having huge nigger loads drip out of your tight little asshole

  77. I really want to fuck Jesus and the holes in his hands. he could nail me any day! I’ve gotten off thinking about Jesus 3 times today and I may never stop

  78. I have the same problem I have always had this crazy fantasy about my dad fucking my pussy so hard, but my husband will never go along with it. One day I wanted to make this a reality so I did the dirty deed and sent him videos of me masturbating and calling him Daddy. Next came daddy porn, and at the end nothing was good enough…… So I went to his house and well you can put the story together ๐Ÿ˜‰ it’s just my husband has such a small and can’t please me. Please I neeeed I’ll the help I can “help me Jesus you’re my only hope”.

  79. When you can’t climax so u become a hater and make an anti masturbation website for everyone havin fun and being human

  80. This shit is fucking hilarious. I’m an omnisexual, gender bending, black woman and this website makes me want to get drunk and mastrubate.

  81. Um.. Is this website a joke I’m really not sure if people are being serious about this please tell me so I tell my friends how ridiculously stupid your being???

  82. I wold lick 2 praye 5 mah brothah 2ritebro. E is gong tough a rogh phas in is lyfe. Plz praye 6 meh as ah elp hm throgh tis trobling tyme. Almyghty Lonnie, cum 4 meh. Amn

  83. Although I’ve seen posts from people that run the site calling the Westboro baptist church a bunch of lightweights

  84. First who is Lonnie Childs? Second male or female? Third, if female can I get a picture of her (if she is hot,) just so I can visualize who I am sending all MY hard earned money too (30%) while I am tossing my progeny into the bowels of my septic system.

  85. I am not personally a masturbator, but my boyfriend has been quite addicted since a young age… I see how poorly it affects him and takes up so much of his time and worth in life and l want nothing more than to help him see how horrible what he is doing to himself is. I love him more than anything but knowing what he is doing hurts me to such an extreme… Is there anyone else here going through what l am? I really just want someone who understand to talk to. I feel so helpless… He says he’ll do anything for me yet he can’t take his hands off himself and learn to be proper. I just want what’s best for him. He is hurting himself and thus hurting me…

    • You know why he jerks off? Because he’s NORMAL, and doesn’t listen to some goonie googoo bible that says, “meshturbating eckuals Sen.” If God made millions of people that wank off, then God himself probably does it as well. Jesus. H. Christ.

  86. Hi, I honestly have a problem. I love to masturbate. Yes that’s right, I LOVE it. But my problem is, I fuck my boyfriend too much to masturbate!!!!!! HELP?!?! I need prayers!!! LAWD HELP ME THE DICK GAME TOO STRONGGGG

  87. We were Innocent until we found this page made from god and now we like to masturbate on the pictures from our mothers. I really enjoy your work. Thanks god and praise the holy penis from jesus. We are MLG Bitches.#NoHomo

  88. I am on your side jesusfucker. This page opened my eyes. Now i want to become a catholic pastor and I want to find my way in the assholes from little boys. This page is helping me really out and wakes my feelings for little children. thanks god and praise the holy penis from jesus. We are MLG Bitches.#NoHomo

  89. Today i stuffed my mothers dirty knickers into my wet pussy and rubbed my clit till i came, pls lonnie childs help me! Give me your golden shower of redemption so i can drink your piss and get a spanking like the dirty gurl i am ๐Ÿ˜‰ i need to be punished….

  90. masturbation is great
    and y’all mother fuckers need to calm the fuck down like jesus fucking christ
    this whole site is a fucking JOKE
    and so is calling masturbation self rape

  91. l agree with you.We should masturbate all continue , for Jesus Christ and his holy penis . Even I have been known to your sect , Jesus Fucker . Masturbating on, for the sacred penis of Jesus and the acclaimed assholes of the little guys. We are MLG Bitches #NoHomo

  92. The religion of Jesus Fucker opened my eyes, i like to join your sect. You opened my eyes, i stoped masturbation and now im going to fuck the one year old child from this hoe called my mother. WE ARE MLG BITCHES #NoHomo

  93. Thank you, Jesus Fucker. Thanks to you I’m back inside. I have my little way into the assholes children found. Thank the holy penis of Jesus. We are MLG, Bitches. #NoHomo

  94. Hi. I would like to pray for all of those who think masturbating is okay. Maybe you people wouldn’t be so butt hurt by this website if you quit churning the butter every once in a while. This website saved my soul, and starting today I plan on following the 12-step program. I love this website, it is the best thing I have ever discover on the internet (and I’ve been to some pretty interesting websites due to my ex-obsession of choking the chicken.) Thank you so much.

  95. I, A masturbator, am proud to announce that I have spent 5 years without masturbating. The incredible pain in my crotch area brightens my day. The pain makes me proud.

  96. I masturbate in the shower daily. But my shame is so much worse than that. When I do this awful thing that controls me, I close my eyes and imagine I am rectally penetrating our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, from behind. I am certain I am going to hell. But my love for Jesus knows no bounds. Please pray for me.

    • Drew the first step to beating you masturbation addiction is reaching out and beating it with others. I pray to Jesus in the clouds that he is watching you and jerking you to the right path.

  97. I jurk off daily and get fucked by my boyfriend every single weekend. take me to hell motha fuckas! ๐Ÿ˜€ fucking Bibble thumpers

  98. Father I have sinned, while thinking of your holy son in devilish ways I scumbled to the devil and masturbated, oh and I also fapped to a picture of the crucifixion.

  99. I masturbate every day on morning and evenings. It makes me feel very good and satisfied. When i cum i cum on the sofa and on window curtains. I usually cum in the car too and i go to church and put my dick in the bible and pray for god. People who use chastity belts are fucking idiots and they like BDSM it is fucking pathetic. Masturbation is part of our lives and it will always be so let people do what they fuckin’ want

  100. Thank you Lonnie Childs! If it wasn’t for you I would have never been able to beat away my masturbation addiction! Praise be Jesus the Great Beater!!!!!!

  101. I’m masturbating right now! I’m even jacking off my partner! I can’t stop! I just can’t resist the feel of cock in my palms!

  102. Please Lord, forgive me for I have sinned…
    The other day.. I saw a gorilla. It could have been a chimpanzee, but who cares..
    It licks it’s lip at me.. and I kinda got horny..
    Chimpanzee pussy?
    NEMNEMNEM, it’s good, nigga
    It’s all we got our here.
    Black Nipple Tribe, signing out…
    NEMNEMNEMNEMNEM

  103. ok guys i need your help. please dear jesus, i’m a 7 year old boy and i can’t stop feeling my penis. i usually choke the chicken at least 11 times a day. i first saw my daddy’s hooker do it to him on the kitchen table. For my 6th birthday, daddy bought me my own personal prosty. I can’t go an hour at school without tickling my slobbering donkey. I would talk to my mom about this but she died of a meth overdose. my dad said she was the hottest crack whore he’s ever stuck his slithering eel into. Also, i’m worried that i’m turning into a throbbing homogay. who knows what’s next? am i going to rape a donkey? or my cousin? I do live in kentucky…. Please for the love of fappy the dolphin, pray for me and offer advice.

    -RAWR XD RAWR (*nuzzlez you gently for helping me*) sincerely, penis penetrator <3

  104. My 9 year old son caught me in bed with a client masturbating last night. At that point I decided that I would need to change my prostitution ways. I need the lord to cure me of my AIDS. What can I do to beg forgiveness for my evil sins?

  105. As a man who is a Christian, This website is a fucking joke, and BTW it doesn’t say ANYTHING in the bible about masturbation being a Sin

  106. I used to Masturbate to my cat stretching, and then it escalated to Men, all until my dad caught me spanking it to Naruto. But with the power of Keith mainey, Rust, and nuclear throne, i was able to overcome my maturbation problems. To celebrate, i’m hosting a pool party next weekend!

  107. usually i masturbate while thinking about jesus getting his asshole destroyed during a gangbang with about 10 black guys with HUGE cocks. oh god i think im gonna cum HELP ME JESUS

  108. I use a vibratory on myself while jerking off at night while thinking about this one hot redhead guy thathat I want. His name is Mike and he is so hot and juicy. He has such a nice ass and from the bulge, a big dick

  109. LMFAO this is some dumb shit hahahahah I’m Christian but this is way too much expecialy the first post like wtf bitch he oviusly ain’t pleasing u if u gotta do yourself fucks this whole website??

  110. Help me … Since my first erection three years ago, I put my cock purely pure. Just yesterday I came across my little fat nigger’s sister, and three days ago I got it to my 93 year old grandfather, even though I am a boy. Every day I pray in the church for it to stop, but then I always begin to get it to my dogs. please help me!

  111. I would just like to say that:

    your god is racist, homophobic and hates free speech. your religion doesn’t allow any homos, trans, or anyone that is not binary, it says that any and everyone that isn’t white is a mistake and it also doesn’t approve happiness nor pleasure, to think that someone would find that touching a specific part of your body is bad makes me wordless

  112. the thought of committing such a sinful act and disrespecting our Lord would never had crossed my mind, until around the age of 23 I lost my way and found the satanic tunes of One Direction who with their title draw unsuspecting Christian youths to their music and away from the RIGHT Direction, our one TRUE religion. I must confess, after hearing a single song, I was brainwashed into enjoying their sinful works. Such satanism must be banned from our society, the monsters behind such ‘musical’ groups are DEMONS sent from HELL by Lucifer the drag our children down with them!!! Their music is filled with subliminal messages that made me turn away from Jesus and gave me the urge to protest for better abortion rights, promoting the massacre of unborn children and above all else commit self- rape. At my lowest point, even resorting to browsing the ‘lesbian’ tag of tumblr for hours on end with my hand aggressively fondling my sin zone until I felt the devil’s pleasure, feeling no shame afterwards….
    I only realised the extent of my addiction when Christian, my beloved fiance, came home early to find me aggressively humping a giant dildo. God Bless him, he immediately punished me, shaving my head. The pain of my elbow spraining as he twisted it when forcing me on my knees to pray to Jesus to atone for my sins made me realise how far I had wandered off of the correct path to righteousness.
    Since that day, I have not taken off my chastity belt unless in the presence of my beloved or mother in law and am in recovery. I have denounced all musical groups and popular social media networks that also perpetuate the message of sin to our youths. I have announced myself in my local community as a sexual offender, for self rape is the worst form of offence which may be committed and now life is a struggle, but I take every day in stride.
    A life without masturbation is the only life worth living, I know that in the end God will reward me with amass orgy up top.

  113. I would like to say is i mastubate 24/7. I been bursting up dust for the past 62 years. I try my best to stop but i cant. Please pray for me! #EndMasturbating #ObamaCare #BuildAWall

  114. I just masturbate al the time while i’m smoking weed drinking alcohol doing drugs eating pork with some islamic friends who also are my gay buddies we fuck eachothers ass en masturbate when budfucked

  115. My mother caught me masturbating and she was so disappointed in me. She always said that if I need anything that I should ask her and that she will help me. I asked if she could help me relieve the pain and urge that I feel to touch myself. She did help me and I am so thankful. This website has saved me, now overtime I have an urge I tell my mother and she helps me by sliding my penis into her. I have this website to thank for this amazing way pf dealing with my urges. It is so much more pleasurable! Whenever the tears of god com out of my penis, my mother always keeps it in her, she says that it will help her get stronger so she will be able to continue helping me. I just wanted to share my story on how this website saved me.

  116. This shit really fucking makes me laugh:
    “I will donate 30% of my profits to Lonnie Child’s…”
    So that the motherfucker can go home and fuck some prostitutes pussies and masturbate to them bitchfighting?
    Anger aside, masturbation is perfectly natural and normal and it NEVER states ANYWHERE in the Bible that says that masturbation is a sin.
    Believe it or not, some poor kids in America are being visited by these tickets and being scared into not masturbating.
    Fuck you Christians! You twats pushed your religion on us so hard that we can’t even fucking do anything without it being sinful.
    Also, here’s a picture of this dick that’s only slightly shorter than mine:
    http://www.mensfaq.com/en/blog/9-inches-long-penis-in-pictures/

  117. I am Lonnie Childs.
    I masturbate and suck dick every day.
    All the donations you make for me to help others deal with masturbation gets spent on prostitutes so I can fuck some bitches before masturbating to some porno magazines.
    And you can’t do jackshit about it motherfuckers.
    Sin my ass; this website is bullshit and Christianity can go suck my 1 and a half inch dick.

    • Damn right, brother. Scam those bitch-assed Religion-immersed motherfuckers so they think they can make a difference. The Bible is a load of bullshit and this website is cancer.

  118. Dear Lord, I have been trying very hard to stop wacking my wang for quite some time now. I currently average a very sinful 7 times a day and would like to go down to 5 times as a start. I would love to go on more, but even at this very moment I’m viscously pumping my throbbing half-footer, and my left hand just keeps me limp, as it feels like someone else is doing it. Please help me in keeping my hands to myself!

  119. My name is Maegret Van Brown and I have been shoving a bible in my dusty coffin of a pus pus for 40 years now. A believe that leviticus is still in there to this day. The Lord has been pleasuring me since 1987.

  120. I am very frustrated becauseI have found my son masturbating in his bedroom to animรฉ. sometimes I feel that Jesus is disappointed and I do not know what to do.

  121. Hello,my name is Juliana Ojeda i have a problem with the masturbation ,i cant let go the masturbation. I have done several bad things, i masturbated in front of my little cousins. I am a sick bastard with the most disgusting fetishes, my favourite is incest midget bondage anal. PLEASE HELP ME STOP THIS.

  122. I am a masturbator. I have struggled with this for a long time, as you see I love jerking my big black wee wee and making pee pee milk. It feel so good in my balls and juicy bbc. I just want to grab an obese white woman and violently fornicate with her. I need to be punished like a good little black slave. Lord forgive me!

  123. …Ho……..da fuck is that………….Ho……….FAPPERS………GIVE ME YOUR ENERGY………………TO ………………………………..FAP ……………….Maybe a bible in the ass couldn’t hurt sometimes u know
    ………Fap is now a part of the human being……….like………..If a man has hand………u already know what he did………Hint : Not a monopoly with friend

  124. Masturbation is SINFUL๐Ÿ‘ฟ I would NEVERโŒ touch๐Ÿ– my rick๐Ÿ† in such a UNHOLY๐Ÿ‘ฟ๐Ÿ‘ฟ way!!! My son๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผโ€โ™‚๏ธ is a GAY๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ faggot๐ŸŽ€ because he was stoking๐Ÿ‘‹๐Ÿป His 2 inch๐Ÿ“ rick๐Ÿ† to โ€œgay๐Ÿณ๏ธโ€๐ŸŒˆ Latino๐ŸŒฎ f***ing moaning๐Ÿ˜ฉ daddy๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ‘ฆโ€œ on the sinful๐Ÿ‘ฟ website๐Ÿ“ฑ๐Ÿ’ป cornhub๐ŸŒฝ๐Ÿ˜ค๐Ÿ˜ค ever since then I threw๐Ÿคฝ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ A holyโœ๏ธ Bible๐Ÿ“– at him and I disowned him๐Ÿ‘ฑ๐Ÿผโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿšซ

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