Masturbation has been proved as a natural human process. Obviously, Christians have never listened to any sort of logical reason, so any effort to show these ignorant people exactly what there ignorance does it pointless. At least we know the stupidity of these people, and we can recognize it. And the truth is, I bet all of themhave masturbated more than once and they feel so bad about it they just want to make everyone else miserable (most Christians do that no matter what the circumstances.)
Way to fall for a joke website and make all atheists look like idiots. I can call all atheists idiots because I’m taking what you and all the other atheists here did, and applying it to all atheists everywhere. Just like you did with your assumptions that all Christians are the same.
Yes, because the vast majority of atheists visit this website and believe it’s an actual factual site, fucking moron. That’s like saying a large percentage of Christians believe in that dumbass bullshit creationism belief… And that makes all Christians idiots, oh wait.
Hang you are saying that the most universally reviled church on the planet is too liberal? The people that picket people’s funerals? I hope some fucks you, gives you a reach around and I hope you fucking enjoy it
LET ME LAUGH EVEN HARDER!
And yours is being sexist “nice try God doesn’t talk to women” I though Christians were supposed to be accepting of everybody, including gays and women, so to say that or being hating of any religion or race means you are not christian
you know rape is where it’s not the person’s consent right? unless there’s someone threatening you to do it it’s not really possible to rape yourself
how’s that working. Maybe if you stop eating and drinking God might actually give a shit. Or if not you’d die horribly and everyone else won’t have to put up with your sanctimonious hypocritical shit. Not very brushed up on my bible top trumps but didn’t Jesus say you should be kind to everyone, especially your enemies? Considering that everything in the Old Testament is actually Jewish, shouldn’t you be concentrating what your leader actually said. Or is this just a way to justify your paranoid insane beliefs and to make your crippling insecurities feel less pathetic.
Self rape is no joke. I had to pull my child out of school and lock him in the basement to keep him from hearing all of your evil propaganda. He died the next week from blood loss because I had to chop off his hands to keep him from masturbating. Little Leroy’s death is on the hands of all of you filthy self rapists, so I hope that you all burn in hell!
This website is for laughs only right? I mean strapping down your child to a cross to stop masturbating like that is like in a comedy movie. So unreal. Think about all those childhood trauma. I hope this is only a joke.
If you read the article about Trump banning masturbation you will realize quickly that this is a site to make fun of fundies and Trump at the same time. As with any fake news site there are always a lot of morons who think this is for real
childhood self rape trauma is exactly what we are trying to prevent here, brother, and its no laughing matter. unreal? if only, if only but masturbation remains a clear and present sin danger to us all.
Your entire religion is based upon the decisions made by a group of pagans, best deciding how to use this new (at the time) cult to better control the people of Imperial Rome. They actually voted on whether the divinity of Jesus and chose gospels based upon that decisions. Your entire faith is a cynical power play by a civilisation that was wiped out nearly 2000 years ago. So fuck off with your dangerous sin – that’s like saying Gojira presents a clear and present danger to the people of Japan
I agree! Masturbation is heresy unless proven otherwise! All who engage in such an act without the consent of the holy God Emperor of Mankind shall be labeled as a heretic!
Be vigilant my brothers and sisters, and remember, the Emperor protects.
Burn the Heretic
Kill the Mutant
Purge the Unclean
In the Emperor’s Name, Let None survive!
We are very proud to announce the inception and establishment of the Holy Church of Ponginae. We have established this church in response to the overwhelming interest in theological belief in the United States of America.
Our intent is to offer an alternative religion to the established dominance of current theologies. The Holy Church of Ponginae’s sole intent is to discredit and openly ridicule ALL existing theological beliefs and religious institutions…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Parishioners and practitioners of the Holy Church of Ponginae are strongly encouraged to actively deride and discredit any and all religious evangelistic efforts.
The Holy Church of Ponginae was conceived of on April 1st, 2014 in a small house in the mountains, west of Conifer, Colorado. It began after an afternoon of heavy consumption of Alcoholic beverages, food and cannabis. An epiphany was realized by its founders while evaluating numerous documentaries and videos on religion, atheism and agnosticism. It was decided that evening, people needed an alternative to established religions, and a methodology and opportunity to openly parody and mock them.
For the next two weeks, the council of Gigantopithicus convened daily to establish the foundation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, whilst imbibing mass quantities of alcohol, food and cannabis. Through the intoxicated debates of the council, many issues and disagreements were resolved, and a consensus was finally reached on its core beliefs, canonical texts, dogma and rituals.
The following is an explanation of the Holy Church of Ponginae, and its respective rituals, beliefs, canonical texts, scriptures, dogmas, and deities.
The primary deity of the Holy Church of Ponginae is Pongo the Gigantic. Pongo the Gigantic is described as an immortal being, who has chosen the form of an eleven foot tall, male, completely hairless Sumatran Orangutan. He is an ethereal being by nature and possesses omnipotence and infinite supernatural powers, and has been in existence before the beginning of time, space and the universe.
Pongo the Gigantic is the deity responsible for our known universe, having farted it into existence…otherwise known as the “Big Bang”. As referenced in one of the Canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae, Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the end of the universe.
“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
Pongo the Gigantic does inhabit the earth in physical form, and currently resides in a neon pink double-wide prefabricated home (commonly referred to as a “mobile home” or “trailer”), and moves around the United States of America at random intervals. He currently resides in a small trailer park on the outskirts of Yazoo City, Mississippi, however is planning to move “somewhere else in the near future”.
Further descriptions of Pongo the Gigantic include his ability to exhale superheated plasma and fire at will, consumes a diet of various fruits (especially cherimoyas), aborted Water Buffalo fetuses, hallucinogenic funguses, cacti and toads, gastropods, and various cephalopods. He regularly defecates Hostess Brand Ding Dongs and urinates the Swiss alcoholic spirit Absinthe.
As an immortal being endowed with omnipotence and infinite supernatural abilities, there are far too many descriptions to be mentioned here. Therefore anything that defies scientific explanation is automatically ascribed to Pongo the Gigantic.
Pongo the Gigantic has provided humanity with a list of rules which must be indiscriminately and fanatically adhered to, and indiscriminately inflicted upon others by all of his subjects. They are all tattooed on Pongo the Gigantic’s immense scrotum and buttocks, they are as follows;
Rule 1: I am the creator of all…I am your god…all gods are complete bullshit and false prophets!
Rule 2: All must make crudely constructed images of me, worshipped upon and adorned with offerings of condiments, bizarre fruits, and anything else that is going bad in the refrigerator.
Rule 3: Observe the holy Sabbath of Thursday afternoon, from 2:27 p.m. to 4:52 p.m. without fail, by continuing what you’re already doing at the time.
Rule 4: Curse my name whenever possible, especially when agitated, injured, offended or it just seems like the right thing to say in the moment.
Rule 5: Do not kill…unless you have a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY good reason, and if you must kill…do so in my name and insist I spoke directly to you, and commanded you to do so.
Rule 6: Engage in sexual intercourse with anyone or anything willing, as frequently as possible…if unable to do so, repeated daily masturbation is mandatory.
Rule 7: Do not steal…except from the obscenely wealthy, any multi-national corporation, politicians, political groups, or other churches and religious institutions.
Rule 8: Want everything…desire what you cannot have and obsess over it endlessly. Lust after people you cannot have and be envious of others that possess what you do not.
Rule 9: Always be honest and faithful…unless it’s going to get you into trouble, then utilize falsehoods, denial and shamelessly blame others.
Rule 10: All felines must be hairless…a shaven pussy is beautiful.
Rule 11: Ridicule, parody, satirize and misrepresent any and all theologies, religions and creeds…including the Holy Church of Ponginae. Utilize vicious and ruthless tactics whenever and wherever possible, and never apologize for doing so.
Rule 12: Consume anything and everything you wish…gluttony is good. Sugar, caffeine, meat, cephalopods, gastropods, insects, crustaceans, alcohol, hallucinogens and other mind-altering substances are sacred foods and are to be eaten regularly…or whenever desired.
Rule 13: Lethargy and indolence is encouraged whenever possible.
Rule 14: Rage and be wrathful against all those you believe to deserve spite and revenge.
Rule 15: Be arrogant and vain…narcissism and conceit is essential for unjustifiable self-worth…the universe revolves around you, and you alone.
Rule 16: Donation of money to the Holy Church of Ponginae is not necessary or required, but encouraged…any money donated will be used for whatever is needed or wanted, and there shall be no accounting of church money whatsoever.
Rule 17: Keep the kitchen and toilet as a holy place of worship, to perform acts of devotion, veneration, and religious study…for this is where all shit begins and ends.
Time spent defecating is considered penance for transgressions against Pongo the Gigantic.
Rule 18: Practitioners are required to evangelize the teachings of the Holy Church of Ponginae at every opportunity, by going to crowded public places and uttering obscenities at other religious evangelists or random individuals, do so as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, accompanied by inappropriate and offensive gestures.
Rule 19: All rules of the Church of Ponginae are strictly voluntary and completely unenforceable…especially when inconvenient, inappropriate or burdensome.
Failure to adhere to these rules will result in terrible punishment. Any who willfully break these rules will be force-fed hallucinogens, sent to the nearest economically depressed, violent crime riddled city or state, and flagellated with ridiculously named vegetation, by equally bizarrely titled, naked fictional entities coated in the condiment of choice. The punishment will continue for all of eternity…or until the condemned gets tired of it and is no longer amused…or falls asleep.
The canonic documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae…
The complete works of Douglas Adams
The complete works of Hunter S. Thompson
The complete works of John Steinbeck
The complete works of Ayn Rand
The complete works of William S. Burroughs
The complete works of Samuel L. Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain)
James Joyce -Finnegan’s Wake
David Rees -How to Sharpen Pencils
Luigi Serafini – Codex Seraphinianus
May Cushman Rice – Electricity in Gynecology
Gary Greenberg – The Pop-Up Book of Phobias
Alison Jenkins – The Lost Art of Towel Origami
Chad Orzel – How to Teach Physics to Your Dog
Carlton Mellick III – The Baby Jesus Butt Plug
Lawrence Wright – Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and Water-Closet
This is just a preliminary and incomplete list of the canonical documents of the Holy Church of Ponginae. More texts will be added on future dates and as they are discovered.
My Pongo, this the the GREATEST THING EVER!!! Please let me join you. Also, can you guys send out little books that have the holy writings of this church sent out to book stores? And maybe add how someone can join. Thanks.
I have so conflicting feelings about this. One voice says it’s a wonderful idea, one voice says it would be very wrong in so many counts. I find it very hard to tell which one of the two voices belong to God, and which one belongs to the Devil. ):) <—mixed feelings smiley
brother Lonnie likes to say that a masturbation for a masturbation makes the whole world blind. I appreciate your righteous wrath, but we must restrain and harden our hearts to only use the weapons of christs love to touch them deep inside. i myself prefer a .45. praise!
Lonnie never said that. In fact, Muhatma Ghandi said, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Lonnie just stole that so he would seem original. Also, many civil rights activists and great scientists of the world have openly admitted to masturbating, among them, Jesus Christ himself.
Well in my Bible there’s a picture of Jesus and he is white. The bible is the word of God and God doesn’t lie. Therefore Jesus was white. Keep studying the word of God and never forget everything else is a lie of the devil. The only thing that is not evil in this world is the Word of God. You must hate everything else and rid your mind of all the propaganda you’ve been brainwashed with over life. Trust in Lonnie and the Lord to guide and you’ll make it to heaven even if you aren’t white. But you must stop the self-abuse in yourself and fight to end it in the world. It’s God’s way.
Jesus was born in the Land of Israel. Which if you’d ever visited isn’t commonly habited by white people they tend to have the middle eastern skin colour. Jesus was not white and he existed long before we were able to take picture so the paintings of Jesus were all done by white people long after Jesus had died. So they had never actually seen Him.
Omg…lolz…so wrong on so many levels. get your masturbrain round this while it still works.
1) I have been to the holy land many times and all the jews I met looked perfectly normal. the Obama colored ones are known as sand arabs, (sometimes as Zionists for short) and jesus wasn’t one of them because they don’t even believe in god.
2) Jesus was blond and blue eyed.
3) Jesus’s father was American.
now go home to bed and don’t talk about things you cannot and never will ever even possibly have a conception of.
america didnt exist 2000 or so years ago….man some people cant stop being stupid, zionist are ISRAEL People, most arab are palestine, you should go to another shcool, cause yours is really fucked up
*school – hypocrite much?
of course America existed 2000 years ago, where do you think it was? underwater? I bet you don’t believe the world is round either. and God (The father of Jesus in our faith beliefs) most certainly was around 2000 years ago, He’s been around for 6000 years and 7 days.
also Zionists are not Israelis, they are sand arabs. I watched a truth documentary about 9/11 and they said Zionists knocked it down. all those Zionists were called moohammed and were sand arabs. I saw their pictures on fox.
qed – you are wrong…praying at you to give up the tugging and grow back your god given intelligence. ciao bella 🙂
I don’t know if you know any history, but the people that live in Palestina/Israel are not the same 2000 ago
Was Jesus europen? Bcs blond people with blue eyes are from Europe.
Jesus Father was American? England was not even a empire yet! How could Joseph be American?
YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING STUPID, YOU ARE RESTRICTING YOUR LIFE FOR A GUY THAT SAID WAS SON OF A MAGIC MAN IN THE SKY 2000 YEARS AGO.
… interesting theory 🙂 Maybe Jesus’s father was Indian of tribe Apache with red skin
Alright, lets return to basic theology here…
Who was Jesus’s Dad again?
I believe if you examine the texts closely, you will discover that Joseph was a cuckold…
Forgive them normal Jesus, for they are mighty ignorant.
First, The bible was written 2000 years ago, photos did not exist back then.
Second, Jesus was born in Palestina. And there, people are kind of brown
3rd, What is the problem of not being white? Are you creepy guys Kun Klux Kan?
There is absolutely no problem with differing from the normal skin tone at all. its actually very handy as it gives us a barometer into the state of the soul, and therefore what work each one of us is suited for.
And no we are not “the Klu Kan Kan” (sic) at all, we believe in a “Rainbow Nation”, where all colours are represented, living equally side by side in perfect, visual harmony and never mixing.
Thank you for your interest in our FaithScience. You’ll find lots more “mind-blowing” FaithFacts on this site if you hang around and make yourself comfortable.
“First, The bible was written 2000 years ago”
the oldest book of the new testament of the bible was said to of be written over 300 years AFTER the resurrection is said to of happened… so the people that wrote it wasnt even there at the time… that is if any of the bible new or old testament storys ever even happened
Holy shit could be ever more wrong. God didn’t write the bible. Self hating, chauvinistic, mentally disturbed people wrote it. If Jesus were to read it today he’d probably have a good laugh, and tell you that you’re not getting the message. The message was just to be a good person, don’t kill people, don’t judge, don’t screw your neighbors wife. Not the gay hating, anti-masturbation, kill every one who is different parts. Because we’re told that if God loves everyone, then he loves us “sinners” as well. See this is the problem with organized religion, it’s so warped by the delusions of crazy people. And dumb asses like you are sucked in through guilt, and self loathing that you’re willing to believe anything that’s in that 2000 year old piece of toilet paper. If god says people are green tomorrow you’d believe it. My point made now I’m gonna use a bible as a dance floor, and jerk off whilst I do so.
You ignorant racist cromosonally deficient afterbirth. The bible is a fucking book, there are bibles in my country that don’t have pictures because people here can actually read. If you were capable of interpreting those funny symbols around the pictures you would notice that Jesus lived in Galilee which is in the Middle East (Google it) at the time of the Romans. Which means he was Jewish, he probably looked more like an Israeli than you. The reason I know all this is because I don’t base my entire world view on a book written by countless people over hundreds of years (the Old testament is Jewish and about 5000-3000 years old). Of course you an respond anyway you like but at the end of the day everything I’ve just said can be verified by thousands of people religious or not. You probably can’t even spell verified
You are 100% correct sir. Jesus was not white. He was from Israel, area of Egypt, which is in Africa!! As another person pointed out, these people look more middle eastern than anything. I do find the crap on this page to be hilarious however. There is no way that these people actually believe what they are saying. It is too satirical to be true. “lonnieliness”, really?! LMAO. Thank you all for the good laugh. Blessed Be!
When you say white, you mean Caucasian. people from the Middle East are NOT caucasian. They are a mixture of ethnicities but primarily descend from Mesopotamian Civilizations (i.e. Babylon Persia etc) Their genetic make up is different from Caucasians and fyi ethnicity takes into account facial structure, skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, height and body shape. Saying Jesus was white is admitting that you are too stupid to understand your own religion. Don’t worry I think Google Translate has developed english to sheep for people like you.
This is hilarious, always love a bit of religious banter but at the same time infuriates me as I can not believe in the 2014 there are still people who wish pain on others for not been of the same faith.
There’s are many positive attributions to masturbation which have been proved scientifically, I always feel that this needs explaining. As science allows experiments and reporting; if it works it works and if it doesn’t it doesn’t, it’s why we don’t use asbestos anymore. Yet people still quote a book written hundreds of years ago by men in power to control people, oh sorry if you though it was written by God or Christ. There are countless flaws with the bible and yet people still believe it.
How am I not wrong? Well I’m saying this through a device which use electricity and transmits waves which are all possible due to understanding particles and how their interact with other particles and matter. Tried. Tested. Proven
I enjoy seeing this.
Thanks for giving me the attention, sir Dicklord.
Also, might I update, I love girls, guys, and non-binary people. I love everybody romantically. Everybody is really fucking hot.
Also, didn’t the Bible say “God loves ALL of his creations?”.
Jesus hates FIGS, not FAGS.
Also, I have no mental issues whatsoever.
I am a human. So are you. We are the same, expect I’m not an ignorant doucheface who tricked a bunch of people to call you a prophet.
With no love,
Hello. You guys will not know me but, I have five word to say, God gave us free will. Now stop telling us how to live. I do not masterbate but I believe in that God gave us free will, and I have a question, where, oh where does it say in the bible that you have to Make people believe in want you should. Oh and for all the people who shave shame on you, in the bible it says you should not shave, so you are all sinners when you shave. Good day
Masturbation is something normal. I dont know people there is something really really wrong with you.. Ohh guess what too Pot is a plant, That grows in the ground. If God didn’t want it, It wouldn’t be around. 😉 Now F**k yall Masturhaters and I dont give a f**k what more ..
I’m a Christian and I’m laughing my ASS off. I’ve been a Christian my whole life and this whole page is written by Mormons I can almost garentee it. No offense but Mormons are all a little wack. Masturbation is not self rape it’s a natural human act. And does not lead to rape. Christians masterbate too lol
FALSE PROPHET WARNING: Christians should NOT and Londovians, strictly, DO NOT masturbate!!! this post is a Mormon propaganda sting full of disinformation! do not trust it; they outlawed polygamy. Only a Mormon would sanction masturbation this way. nice try wacko!!!
If this website is meant only for an entertainment, I owe you an apology. The truth you say? You make me laugh cuz how the fuck does humans reach the truth when they are living in the world that is consisted of imperfect particles and forms. Are you meant to say that, with your pathetic understanding, you have reached the truth or the perfect doctrine??? I believe in one God but I don’t believe in imperfect human’s propaganda. Learn to be humble my friend as we are just some miserable little creatures living in this vast space where nothing can be seen clearly.
Here is the reflection of the renowned astronomer Carl Sagan:
“from this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it’s different. Consider again that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
The Earth is the only world known, so far, to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”
Rather than living by your prejudice, please be respectful and understanding of those people leading different lives. I am not going to argue scientifically but I was initially enraged by your arrogance and distorted attitude as if you are the omniscient people. Go home. Read various thoughts and analysis and expand your views…
Shutup. Just shutup. Don’t make us suffer with your idiotic words, practice what you preach. I bet you even masturbate you fuck. Now, I’m trying to be nice here, but reading all of the idiotic posts just makes me want to slap someone. Wishing for someone to die is the real crime. What if they suffer from depression? Anorexia? Bullimia? What if they cut? Purge? They could very well kill themselves, easily. We, humans, are so fragile. I respect Christians, my best friend is one. I respect Atheists. I am one. I have a Satanist friend also. Jews, Mormons. I can’t even remember. So whyall the hate? And really? Self-rape? It’s not rape if you willingly do it. Not everyone has to follow your path. We all have a different destiny, different path, different goal. But we are all brothers and sisters. We are all intelligent people, why can’t we be kind, accepting people? Is that so hard? And this is coming from a 14 year old girl! I pray every time I can, and God answers me. My old babysitter got in a crash and the doctors said she had more a chance of dying than living an 85 to 15 percent chance. I prayed for her to live, to be well, to live till she’s an old woman. And she lived. That night I had a dream, I didn’t think it was real but it was like I was in heaven. There are no words to describe it. It was peaceful, I was calm but energized. I heard a voice speaking to me, telling me that my sister’s death wasn’t my fault, then I saw her, she was 8. So when someone says God doesn’t speak to women, they are being sexist and liars. You don’t know if he does or not. I’m the type of girl that trusts hard cold facts. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a believer. I really hope this clears your eyes and opens your mind to accept people not to shoot them down for what they think and believe, and this really goes out to everyone. I see more teens, children being more accepting, more kind, more…open-minded then adults. Now, tell me how sad that is, adults are supposed to be a role models but instead teens and children are looking at each other for leadership, for guidance. And we are growing stronger, wiser, then most adults. ADULTS. It just shows how mature we are, compared to you. Now here’s a tip; learn from us, grow up a little, grow a pair. Stop hiding behind computers and face your real sins. Your own screw ups. Thank you.
Sincerely, a concerned teen of the world today
I’m having so much trouble deciphering the sarcasm from what people think is reality, on this site. I’m laughing so hard right now! It seems that there are so many uneducated people posting their ludicrous beliefs that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Y’all are all fucking idiots! Mastribating is kind of a good thing! Would you rather have your 13 year old child go out fuck and get pregnant? Mastribating can’t get you pregnant! It also can’t give you std’s! I hate this site! Mastribation is not rape! Rape I when someone goes and fucks someone illegally! Everyone on this earth sins and I know you dumb asses do too! I’m a Christian and God never said mastribating is bad or a sin! All the people that are against this site I am so with you! Go stick a finger or two up your pussy! Go jerk off! It’s not bad!
Castrate them sinners so they can’t make babies, just in case they actually find a mate. No Devil’s doorknob, no ringing on the gates of hell. Whack ’em off. Let them sit to pee for the rest of their lives.
I truly hope that God helps all of you who have created these devices to stop being sick and ungodly
Oh and masturbation does not make you go blind or anything like that in fact it lowers your chances of prostate cancer
And God also talks and listens to ALL of his people including Females
Of course God listens to the lesser gender…
Lol, what do you think we believe, child? Bless you.
He’s always got half an ear to listen, its just that he puts them on hold a little while if a man needs his attention on a real problem, that’s all. 😉
I masturbated once then I started to inject teh pot. DON’T START, it is sinful and a gateway to other sins like snorting reefer! If I knew that before I’d still have my arm, yes, it fell off from teh nightly vicious assaults I performed on my God-given sin-zone.
Here I am again fantasizing about Milton Grits, Carlos Danger, Dexter Battygarteniii and Lonnie Childs while touching my sin stick. Boys, please come rescue me from my self raping. If we all pull together we could save each other from self rape and if we all got creative with our free hands we could maybe come up with a secret handshake or pleasure each other’s rectum while we were saving each other from the sin of self rape. Praise!
Wow. This website was a rollercoaster from typing it in at Google to typing this here now.
I don’t believe i need to masturbate to live; but i don’t need to spread negativity to gain followers or success in my life to live either.
The whole, “I’m doing this while thinking of that,” is extremely immature to me. But, the whole, “repent because this or that!” It’s also very childish. I guess my views on this whole site are in my own category?
Yes, forcing a child to do anything against their own will is very bad & not something i agree with at all. But, to the church goers: telling someone you how they die, calling them out because they can’t spell as well as you, or being sexist/racist? What good comes of that?
Don’t you people, and by people i mean all of you understand what hate does? Your feeding your own and each other’s negativity with your competitive, petty words. It’s a vicious cycle. Love doesn’t have to be narrowed down to, “only people with this, that, or look like this/that.” Love is everlasting and infinite. This site that is supposedly all about love and enlightenment sure does send out massive waves of negativity & hate.
I think everyone here needs to really feel love before they can absolutely judge anything.
When i was a little kid, i used to go to church every Sunday & weds by my devout Catholic aunt. She used to tell me that the devil would snatch me up and kill my parents/cat/etc. And to be honest it really scared me into going. And she would force me to pray every single night. And everyday i would stare at the sky and beg God to not let the devil kill my cat or family.
Then one day i just told my aunt that i didn’t want to go anymore. And she told me the devil was going to eat me, and i said, “i am a good person, God won’t let the devil get me because he loves me.” And i never went back to the Catholic church; my parents both still alive & my cat is resting in kitty heaven. Not because the devil took her, just died of old age.
Then upon moving to a different city i met a very bossy girl, who would later become my best friend, she would always beg me to go to her church with her and i was scared that those people would treat me the way the people at the Catholic church did. For a long time, i said no, but after months of begging i decided to go. It was a “Methodist” Christian church. And i was sure that they were going to threaten me with, “the devil this, the devil that!” But they didn’t actually, they were very nice and calm. They welcomed me in and asked me if i still believed. I told them about my previous experiences and that after years of not being forced to believe in anything i had drifted away from it.
You know what they did? They told me i had free-will to believe in whatever i wanted. And then they gave me cookies and soda & told me i could stay for bible class, and arts & crafts.
I was so happy that i had been accepted without force.
As the years went by, i noticed more and more bigotry in the church community. I stopped going to the church because i was sure it would spread there as well. I became one of those annoying, I’m-going-to-pretend-to-be-a-satanist teens. And i would purposely be men rude to the Mormon missionaries & other believers.
I see now that was a terrible mistake. I shouldn’t have done that.
But now, i don’t believe in any one specific god(s), or deity. I’m somewhat spiritual. It’s nice to think something might be out there and has your back, even if you don’t believe or if you don’t think it does. Why sit there and spread hate? When you can spread love and light. When you can bring a smile and lift someone else’s spirits? The church i go to outside of my own personal temple is the Calgary church.
The utmost warming, welcoming, most kindest people i have met were at the Calgary church. My friend and i had come across the church by accident, but boy was it amazing. When asked why my friend had left her [Mormon] church, she explained to them that their rules were ridiculous & that they were rude to get and treated her like less than dirt. And that they had also told her she could no longer join them for their early morning seminary. She had been thrown out by her own church. She also went on to tell them that she left because she is a lesbian and didn’t want to start drama within the church. You know what? The Calgary accepted her. They told her that as long as she strives to be the best person she could be, and spread love there was no way she could be punished.
I myself am a bisexual, but my heart currently belongs to a man, whose beliefs lie within Judaism.
The Calgary church accepted even me. And that really changed me, they helped me with almost anything i needed guidance with. And pretty much more of that guidance had anything to do with, “the path of God/Jesus.”
What I’m getting at is that you don’t need to threaten people to gain followers. I guarantee you, if you follow a path of love, light, and appreciation: you will have so many more friends. Your appreciation for all life forms will grow infinitely & you will see what it really means to follow a righteous path.
Never tell someone you hope they die because their views are not the same as yours, also. Life to anyone or anything is so precious. Try to remember that, once it’s gone, there’s no coming back. You never want to feel the guilt of that.
Men are no greater than women, women are no greater than men. We are equals, lgbtq are human beings. We’re all human beings. We’re on a path. Our paths are different, each one facing its own obstacles & rewards. We’re all just trying to find ourselves. Why not do good & spread as much love as possible on the way to our destination?
My opinion is solely from my heart, and not based on the bible or any other religious books.
You are free to judge me, even slander me. But know that nothing you say against me or at me will matter to me. You cannot hurt me, you cannot even make me rethink my story.
You can only read and reply. If you support what i have to say then i am happy you are content. If not, I’m sorry you feel that way.
But i honor everyone and everything’s existence. I am grateful for all existence.
Oh Brother Lonnie sav3 me! Ever since I discovered this sight I have had erotic thoughts of that Raunchy Red head Cathy urging me to masturbate… I picture her in a bondage scenario gagging on my rock solid cock will I massage her veluptous bossoms and her moist vagina And then she wispers softly asking me to shove my throbbing cock into her tight little ass while she is tied up in her sex dungeon… oh brother lonnie sometimes I picture you filming mine and Cathys erotic encounter I want to fill her mouth with my cum can you arrange a rendezvous with sister cathy? Or at least send me.nudes I want nothing more than to feel her tight vaginal walls around my rock hard dick.
I’d like to remind you that this is a family-oriented netsite, Brother Charles, and cuss words are discouraged. Let the masturbators wallow in that end of the pool. But I agree with your sentiment. They are extremely stupid and racist.
That’s because you are a CULT leader that brainwashed incredibly insane and stupid people like you into believing lies that you Lonnie made up to be true. You yourself should be put up on a pedestal in the hall of the most famous cult leaders like Jim Jones and Charles Manson as you are really the same as them: crazy as hell and making up lies so you and your followers can say this is the truth but when in fact it is a pack of lies.
Additionally this is no family-oriented site but farce that should be eliminated off the internet as it is a gathering place for cult members and morons that fight over lies the Mr. Lonnie Childs and his cult members claim to be true.
The misleading and offensive word “cult” is not welcomed on this netsite! For tax purposes, we are an Alternative Religious Movement. If you cannot control yourself and must use the “c” word, please censor it with an asterisk. Cu*t, we are in a cu*t. Thank you in advance.
And a h*ll lot of people use the word cu*t on this site so I don’t care if it’s offensive or not but reading your articles on this site is already considered offensive by alot of people who do not think like you do – EDITED FOR OFFENSIVE CONTENT
Is this Lonnie guy really a child molester? Who the fuck is Lonnie? Either way this is the best shit I’ve ever read on the Internet. I’m literally crying from laughing so hard. Now I’m going to use my tears as lubrication and jerk off sooooooo hard. I’d love to meet any of the dipshits saying masterbation is wrong.
Or maybe she got struck by lightening because she was by a fucking tree not because nature thought it wa Nasty too. And your daughter would be completely normal if she had been allowed to masturbate inside. Did you know that masturbation actually helps lower teen pregnancy because it makes people more likely to wait to have sex until they are older? And it’s also actually highly recommended by doctors because it is healthy? As for women, it makes us more comfortable with ourselves? Here’s some health benefits so you won’t be too lost in this discussion considering you’re Christians. What I mean by that is, you’re fucking dumb so you won’t understand. Masturbation helps with cervical infections, helps us be happy, helps fight against insomnia, helps with UTIs, abdominal stomach cramps (especially during periods), and etc. With that being said, it is HEALTHY AND NORMAL to masturbate, for people to touch themselves. Or maybe you’re just going by your beliefs and saying everything is wrong because in Christianity, EVERYTHING is wrong. How would I know, I’m just an atheist? Well maybe because I was a Christian at one point and now I finally get that the only thing Christianity did for me was make me stupid as fuck. You know how “Jesus” represents us as his “sheep”? Did you ever realize that sheep are quite dumb in all reality? So your “god” is saying you’re stupid as fuck and can’t do anything. Just wanted to help you understand why I had to help you stay with me. Another thing, if it’s so nasty that girls touch themselves, maybe you should reconsider your sex life because I’m 100% sure your wife touches her pussy and boobs while you’re fucking her. Unless she’s one of those people that just lay there. And I’m pretty sure you touch yourself too. And if this is a woman that posted this site, I’m pretty sure you touch yourself during sexual intercourse. Unless you’re a female that just lays there, giving nothing to the man in return. So ladies and gents, keep touching yourself because it will lower teen prego rates and help our health. Anyways, have a nice orgasm 😉
I can’t believe you crazy Masturhaters are still taking a book written over one thousand years ago literally. How about you accept that as a society masturbation is enjoying our body’s natural release of pleasureful hormones?
Oh my fucking God I thought this place was a joke. A big cross stop beating the meat xD if you buy that for your kid your a bad parent. And the animals going dead cause of masterbaition how the fuck does a shark beat the meat. Crazy God humps x3 have fun not cumming in 6 years..
I masturbate all day, I’m masturbating right now, as I type this, in fact, little shots of my squirt are currently falling on my Keyboard, and my body is shuddering in an amazing mind rocking orgasm, and my pussy is streaming my love juices all over my fingers, its not self rape, its masturbation, and if you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself, or, sorry, forgot that from normal English to Christian English it translates as rape, Fig Newton Sons of Bitches
I am a part of the Pagan community, your only proving what we have been saying straight from the get go. you are abusing power hat you do not posses. plus you are the biggest contradiction i have ever seen
* I have it on good authority that the Almighty, the Creator of all that is, could care less if you rub one out on occasion. However, idiots spouting nonsense in HIS name really makes HER lose her shit.
Masturbution has proven to be a natural function, and is healthier to do than avoiding it entirely. (It gets rid of built up hormones when your partner isn’t available). Young children do it to explore their own bodies. Male fetuses have been observed grabbing their own penis in the womb. Adolescents do it consciously. 1/3 of females below the age of twelve have masturbated to organism, though most don’t remember. Animals even masturbate, and they don’t have to worry about displeasing your imaginary friend called “God”. This website is yet another example of extremist stupidity and ignorance. Where’s my proof? Scientific knowledge. Which you folk clearly lack. I hope that I convinced at least one person that masturbution is okay. Then again, the amount of stupidity on this website is pitiful… And I’m a 13 year old black bisexual girl. Does that make my argument invalid?
This is an absolute howl. I am about to die laughing. Can it be that folks who take their religion too seriously can’t see the satire? I’m amazed at the reactions of some people. I mean, I know this is all in fun, because there was a similar web site that I saw. It too was a howl. I love it. Keep up the jabs and pokes at the folks who Believe…LOL
I almost took this site seriously. Almost. Then I read some other sections. Comments from Lonnie themself prove he/she/IT is not a serious Christian website maker. *shakes head* this is just sad. I was hoping for a real Christian opinion on this matter since I struggle with guilt myself with it. That being said Paul said, “If you feel you shouldn’t eat meat offered to idols, don’t do it. If you think you can and it isn’t a sin, then do. I do because I don’t fear idols.” That’s how I approach this. It’s up to you.
The important things we should be teaching our children should be compassion and love for others, not that something, as natural as masturbation, is going to send them to “hell”. So you are telling me that my 2 year old daughter is going to hell because she discovered her girl parts? Fuck that.
This is a hilarious site, really. I come here daily for shits and giggles. But it makes me sad how people assume all Christians are such idiotic extremists.
I’m a Christian, I masturbate! Wow! Amazing!
Seriously. If masturbation is SO bad, why wasn’t it mentioned in the Bible as a sin?
Also, calling it “self-rape” is SUCH a huge stretch. Literally. There’s no way to rape yourself. If you’re touching yourself, you’re doing it with consent. There is no reason you should touch your genitals if you don’t want to, there’s NOTHING MAKING YOU DO IT. There’s only one of you. There isn’t two people there, so only YOU CAN CONSENT. THERE’S NO ONE ELSE THERE TO CONSENT.
You people make us look bad and it makes me sad that people actually think that we’re all like this.
There is nothing wrong with mastrubation its not self-rape and it is no ones buisness what people do when they are alone. What people do when their alone is their buisness and no one elses you have no right to tell people wether or not they can mastrubate. Mind your own buisness and go mastrubate.
i JUST CAME AFTER FOUR HOURS OF WONDERFUL SINFUL SELF ABUSE, THANK YOU JESUS! IT WAS, BOOM, KRAKATOA, A VOLCANO, MASTURBATION PARTICLES ARE BUZZING AROUND ME AND SIN IS IN THE AIR, NOT TO MENTION ON MY SHOULDER AND THE CARPET, EVEN THE CAT, SWEET JESUS MAY THIS MOMENT NEVER END. THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATION SO MUCH THAT I DECIDED TO MASTURBATE.
I love this website, it is so much fun reading how dumb so many people in this world are. I will pray to the same god as you, that he may tell you that he gave us genitals for having fun and not being ashamed of them…xD