Hobby Lobby Employee Sues Over Right to Masturbate

 

A Coral Gables, Florida woman is suing her employer, Hobby Lobby, over their refusal to supply her with what she considers “birth control.”

Linda Ferno, a seven year employee at the Coral Gables location of Hobby Lobby was hoping that her employer’s contribution to her government mandated health insurance policy would include masturbation supplies. To her dismay, it did not.

Upon realizing this, she filed a complaint with the company’s Human Resources Department, only to find out that Hobby Lobby does not condone the practice of masturbation, and also does not recognize it as a form of birth control.

A spokesman for Hobby Lobby cited numerous passages within the company’s employee manual where masturbation was actually prohibited by employees, both on and off the job. In-fact, Hobby Lobby’s employee manual clearly states that

“Masturbation is viewed by the company as a form of sexual harassment that an employee commits themselves.”

The manual goes on to further explain

“If you have been a victim of masturbation, committed by you (an employee of Hobby Lobby), you must report this to your immediate supervisor. Failure to report acts of masturbation will result in discipline, and can include termination.”

In addition to citing numerous passages within the employee handbook, outlining the company’s position on masturbation, the company issued the following statement.

“Hobby Lobby is a Christian-Owned company and we embrace the family values and faith of our principles, customers and employees. Masturbation, as well as other forms of sexual harassment and assault has no place in this organization.”

Fredrich Weinsteen, the attorney representing Ms. Ferno, contests that masturbation is a “unique form of birth control for his client” and her employer must pay for it, even if it violates their company policy and local laws. Mr. Weinsteen did acknowledge that unlike certain forms of birth control, such as condoms, masturbation does not prevent the spread of sexually transmitted disease.

 

Stop Masturbation Now will continue to keep you updated as this story unfolds.

 

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Liam McKey
About Liam McKey 44 Articles
Liam McKey is a former combat veteran and owner of the only Vegan-Certified ranch in the United States. He has two normal teenage children with his same-race wife. Liam is active in the community of Safford, Arizona where he lives. Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction and has many degrees from various non-accredited faith-based colleges.
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14 Comments on Hobby Lobby Employee Sues Over Right to Masturbate

  1. This explains why the yarn I recently bought at Hobby Lobby was sticky and covered with pubes.

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    • ... I mean, before I brought it home. Most of the ones in my house wind up that way anyways.

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  2. Those crazy left-liberalists probably also want a government mandate to force employers to pay for policies that cover their employees' masturbation supplies.

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  3. Masturbation does not count as a form of sexual harassment committed by you, upon yourself. Masturbation can also not be used as birth control or spread STDs, as STDs can only be spread to another person by having sexual intercourse with an infected person.

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      • I once came down with a case of the bad AIDS. Two weeks of Mexican multivitamins and a shot of Señora Lupita's fermented clit juice and I was as good as new. I came down with feminism a year later. Ain't no cure for that shit.

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        • I'm glad to hear you were able to rid yourself of the bad AIDS. I am sorry to hear about the feminism though. You are in for a lifetime of not laughing at jokes and watching shitty movies. I will pray at you.

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  4. Is it because this cunt makes minimum wage at Hobby Lobby that she can't afford a cucumber and a bottle of K-Y jelly?

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  5. Where I work they I used to be able to masturbate on the job, then they said I had to go outside to masturbate and stay at least fifty feet from building entrances. Then they banned masturbating at work unless you were in your car with the windows rolled up.

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