Moral Outrage

Target Allows Transgender People to Masturbate in Restroom of Their Choosing

Earlier this week, French-owned retailer “Target (pronounced, tar-jay)” announced that it will allow transgender people to use and masturbate in whatever restroom they choose to.  This new corporate policy comes amid new laws in North Carolina, Mississippi and Tennessee which restrict access to public restrooms based upon gender.

A spokesman for Target issued a statement, but it was in French, so nobody understood what it meant.  When STOP Masturbation NOW asked a Target employee for a comment, store greeter Steven Wachovina said, “Y’all know them dudes that wear women’s clothes and molest little kids?  Yea, well they get to use the ladies room now, which means us regular guys don’t need to get weirded out anymore when we pee.”

Liberal groups like the Christian Coalition have come out against such policies, claiming that allowing transgender people to use the restroom of their choosing will lead to sexual assault, beyond self-rape.

In an effort to be fair and balanced, STOP Masturbation NOW reached out to an individual we went ahead and assumed was supportive of the new law, allowing people to masturbate at Target, however, Richard Simmons’s publicist declined to comment.

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Hitler's Urethra
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Hitler's Urethra

I can’t wait to furiously tear my vas deferens in the Target bathroom.

Papa Franku
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Papa Franku

ITS TIME TO STOP!!!!!! Why would you automatically assume that gay people masturbate in every fucking bathroom they go into. I bet I could be talking about genocide in Africa, and you would still find a way to bring shit like this up.

Liam McKey
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Actually, genicide in Africa is caused by masturbation. Africans are typically very opposed to masturbation, so when a bunch of masturbators come along, genicide usually follows them.

Smarter Than U
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Smarter Than U

Yes, because apparently all world issues are caused by masturbation

Kyle
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Kyle

Retards. A bunch of fucking retards