Crazed Californian Masturbator Kills Nearly 1000 Chickens


Further proving that golf is an evil sport that should be banned, a deranged masturbator took a golf club and murdered nearly 1000 chickens in a facility near Fresno, California. The facility, owned by chicken manufacturer, Foster Farms, claimed that 920 chickens were murdered “with a golf club or other blunt object”. Foster Farms claims a loss of $5000 due to the untimely demise of the beasts.

Local law enforcement is still investigating the crime, but a source close to the investigation relates that, “(We’re) pretty certain this is the work of an individual who was not in their right mind. It lines up pretty perfectly with the kinds of things we’ve seen from chronic masturbators in the past. For some reason they’re attracted to the game of golf so having a club around would not be unusual.”

Our source, who asked to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of this investigation, continues, “It appears the individual was likely high off of a recent masturbatory act and went looking for trouble. Most likely a drifter, as many masturbators are, he or she found the chicken facility and appear to have pulled back the security fence to gain entry into the Foster Farms complex. The murders took place in the chicken shed closest to the fence breach. Why the masturbator stopped at 920 is unknown to us. Possibly the number has some sort of Occult or Satanic significance and we have not ruled that out yet.”

It is common for masturbating Satanists to sacrifice chickens to the “Dark One” as was evidenced by the incredible rise of Satanism in the 1980s. Allegedly the deviant gets more power to masturbate by sacrificing animals, specifically chickens, to the false icon that they worship. It has been assumed for decades now that the masturbator slang for masturbation, “choking the chicken” is derived from this form of animal sacrifice.

Our source would not confirm that this incident was in fact tied to multiple Satanic groups that operate in or around Fresno.

Foster Farms is offering a reward to anyone with information about the masturbator or masturbators that carried out this horrendous act.

About Cathy Redmond 108 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

9 Comments on Crazed Californian Masturbator Kills Nearly 1000 Chickens

    • Firstly, Disgusting*, Secondly, Murder isn’t God’s Will so burn in hell deacon. You guys make me laugh soo hard, thank you.

    • I am praying for a mass execution of this websites owners. You stupid fucks should be removed from this planet.

      • And are you saying you don’t eat chicken? because as a consumer of society, you buy chicken which encourage more slaughtering to keep up with your needs, so in turn we are as much at fault as this murderer

  1. Umm who here doesn’t eat chicken please stand up. oh look only maybe a few, because they have some reason. everyone else eats chicken retards, and thousands of chickens are killed every day in America alone. So don’t think this Fallacy about golf being a satanic sport and murder of chicken is bad.

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