Dear Lonnie – “How Do I Know If My Toddler is Gay?”

Every once in a while, a wholesome reader will send a message to us here at SMN.ORG to ask a personal question, or to ask for honest advice in a particularly troubling situation. In this case, a housewife from Virginia writes –

“Dear Lonnie,

I am a little embarrassed to ask this, to be honest. I am the mother of four children – one of them that has been

Very HomoGay.
Very HomoGay.

showing signs of a feminine nature that frankly concerns me. Not to go into detail, but he obviously has presented us with a very perplexing dilemma. We are not comfortable with the notion of raising a HomoGay child, and would like very much if you could provide us with some information regarding the signs that point toward one’s child being a big bag of diaper-filled sin flesh.”

We Lonvidians take such questions very seriously, and want to assure parents of the sexuality of their children – and would love to point out a few obvious signs that your toddler may be HomoGay.

1 – Does he always seem to find comfort in sucking on his pacifier? If so, this is definitely something to watch out for. Studies show that children who are addicted to oral stimulation at an early age are 124% more likely to be HomoGay than normal children.

2- Does he seem to be unusually attracted to shiny and dangly objects? If so, watch him closely. Little HomoGays love fancy jewelry and dressing up like women. This may be a sign that he’s developing a crush on designer clothes and gaudy accessories.

3- When he begins to crawl – watch closely for a side to side motion of his bottom as he moves across the floor. A little sway is okay – but a lot is something to be concerned about. Additionally, when he begins to walk, watch him closely to make sure he doesn’t place his hands above shoulder level while listening to music.

4- Turn the radio on and see what he smiles at. Does he seem to enjoy Depeche Mode, or does he coo and giggle to Barbara Streisand? If so, try some musical therapy with manly music such as Johnny Cash or Merle Haggard. This should work in most cases.

This one just screams "HOMOGAY!"
This one just screams “HOMOGAY!”

5 – Does he cry a lot? Babies cry sometimes, but if he’s just crying for no reason, it could be a sign that he’s overly emotional. For a man, this is simply not acceptable. If you see this beginning to occur, point your finger in his face and say “BE A MAN. BE A MAN AND STOP YOUR WHINING OR I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.” If he continues to cry, He’s HomoGay. For sure.

6 – Place two bottles in front of him. One blue, one pink with flowers and giraffes on it. Which one does he reach for? If he goes for the blue one, relax.

7- Is his name Steven or Brad? Studies show that all men named Steven or Brad are HomoGay. If so, change his name as quickly as possible and make him wear a fake moustache for a few weeks to counteract the damage you have already caused.

8 – Tickle him. Does he give off a slight chuckle and brush it off, or does he squeal in a high-pitched voice and giggle like a girl? This is one of the oldest tricks in the books to identifying a HomoGay – it even works on adults.

9 – Place him in front of the television and turn on Bonanza. Is he enthralled, or does he make a pouty face? If he

Is this how he reacts to the classic television show "The Dukes of Hazard?" If so.... read the article. again. You're gonna need our tips.
Is this how he reacts to the classic television show “The Dukes of Hazard?” If so…. read the article. again. You’re gonna need our tips.

pouts, turn on Teletubbies. If he enjoys it, he’s so HomoGay.

10 – Does he show interest in owning a stick horse? If so, you will want to watch him closely for several years to make sure he isn’t riding it inappropriately. If he doesn’t like stick horses, you’re fine. If he’s scared of stick horses, watch him closely and wave a shiny earring in front of his face. ( see #2)


I hope this helps! Good luck, and remember – Hobby Lobby takes all unwanted babies on aisle 3.

About BigLarry 23 Articles
BigLarry works at LonnieDale Farms, a wholesome and christian establishment that provides nutritious cat milk to all of our followers. Big and Bold, Larry doesn't mess around when it comes to Jesus, and he doesn't let anyone mess with Lonnie. Praise.

20 Comments on Dear Lonnie – “How Do I Know If My Toddler is Gay?”

  1. I do have a newborn, when he decides to have a homofit, I always scream at him “do you want me to give you something to cry about?” Which he will learn that crying means he might turn out to be a gay. My wife and I both know this works! !00 I also use the method of when my older child asks for food, when i give him said ramen noodles i tell him “dont be gay”. So far we are 100% non gay and none of our children have injected themselves with the marijuana. Praise on Shelly for showing us how shaking the baby works on both sides!

  2. If you have answered “Yes” to any of the questions above, your Homogay child may need an intervention. Please contact our Conversion Therapy offices at: (888) 276-6760

    We can save your child using a combination of proven methods including behavior modification, psychoanalysis, religious prayer, hypnosis, aversion therapy, nausea-producing drugs, mild torture, electroshock, castration, skin-bleaching, and brain surgery.

    • Every normal should save this phone number! I don’t know how my family didn’t have it before! Praise brother enslavin! The fact I don’t have to press 1 for english speaks volumes!

  3. I love this website. I’ve never laughed so hard in all my life I’m telling all my friends about this site

  4. Brother Shalavin,
    There is a number that anti gay children answer on the 1st ring 1800 888 6366 It is a hotline that is 24/7. Your hotline also works for people who need a hood to cover their shame….

    • I like the disco music background. It may cheer up some of our more depressed callers. Will file away for future reference.

      • Get thee behind me Nikita Shalavin! Disco is the sound of Beelzebub’s hand rubbing against his sin stick! Your communist girl’s name, your Wonder Woman perm and your blasphemy against Lonnie Child’s prophecy on scooters are a sticky white river of evil! Expose yourself now to Jesus!

  5. Brother Shalavin has given a way out of the circle jerk which you call life! Please call one of these numbers to get help and see the way of the true normals!

    • Full immersion baptism is always a blessing. You have a white man’s name and spell like an Asiatic; praise the Lord that normal people like you war babies.

  6. For people who are against homosexuality, y’all seem to know a great deal about “warning signs”. I guess is simple when all you have to do is look in the mirror every morning and report what you see.

  7. How silly. If one wants to stop something from occurring – wouldn’t it be wise to learn what it is you want to stop from occurring? The logic of masturbators astounds me.

  8. Christians need to learn as much about the homogay cesspool of sin as possible. Why? Because how do we fight this Satanic attack on the survival of humanity without knowing what we are up against. As disgusting as it may be, I have forced myself to get educated on the subject by researching numerous sodomite blue movies so I can preach from Godly knowledge on the abominations of homogay activities. Only by knowing our enemy and the terminology these pervos use can we win the world for the lord. Whether it’s circle jacks, docking, fisting, rimmering, gold showering, facial showers, broke backing, etc. it is the duty of every pastor to watch this smut to see how awful it really is. The internet makes this much easier for us righteous holy Christians to access this material without being mistaken as perverts by walking into pornographic cinemas to research these abominable films and nudie magazines. Praise God for giving us the strength to do this without being tempted into sin ourselves.

  9. I seriously can not tell if this website is a joke or if it is real, because if it is real you people need to realize that if your child is gay it is not their fault. One can not choose to be gay or straight. If you truly love your child you will stand by them no matter what gender they are attracted to. You people are the reason that thousands of homosexual people kill themselves every year. Stop and think before you abuse your child just because they are attracted to the same gender as themselves.

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