How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities


The act of masturbation is illegal in all 50 states and US territories. It is classified as a “lewd and lascivious” act. Police departments are actively seeking out masturbators, as they present a danger to society and the fines associated with this crime generate a lot of revenue for the municipalities.


You may be asking yourself, why don’t I hear more about masturbators being arrested? The answer is simple: lack of evidence. The police need proof that someone is a masturbator before they can arrest them. Typically, masturbators do their sinful act in private because of the enormous amount of shame that they feel. This also makes it tough for the masturbator to get caught.


Fortunately, there are ways to protect society from these savages and keep your community masturbator free. Below are proven methods to get your local masturbator locked-up and off the streets.


Audio and Video Recording:

If you suspect someone of masturbating, try to get it on tape. You can do this by recording the person in the bathroom stall next to you, or by placing a recording device on the window seal of their house. Taking a few snapshots in the locker room of your local gym is also recommended. If you think the guy in the shower is washing his genitals more than he should, get it on tape and send it to the police.


Get an Eyewitnesses:

Having another person corroborate your story is vital in getting a masturbation conviction. Make sure your witness is trustworthy, innocent and does not have any previous convictions. Children make the best witnesses. When I had my neighbor locked up for masturbating, having my kids lie to the police about him masturbating next to his window while they played, was crucial in getting the judge to find him guilty.


Social Media:

The ever-changing world of technology can be helpful in putting masturbators where they belong. When someone admits to masturbating, make sure to get a “Screen Shot” of their admission and send it to the police. If you have trouble getting their confession, simply change the name and profile photo of your own account to match theirs and screenshot your own fake admission.



Fabricating evidence is one of the best ways to put a masturbator behind bars. Today’s photo-manipulation software is easy to use and gets awesome results. When I got my ex-girlfriend sent away, it was because I was able to show the police a photo of her masturbating in a school playground during recess. I would not have been able to get that photo, without the fine folks at Adobe Software. Make sure to only use software that you have lawfully paid for. Otherwise, you are using illegal software, which is not only wrong, it is illegal.

About Liam McKey 44 Articles
Liam McKey is a former combat veteran and owner of the only Vegan-Certified ranch in the United States. He has two normal teenage children with his same-race wife. Liam is active in the community of Safford, Arizona where he lives. Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction and has many degrees from various non-accredited faith-based colleges.
Contact: Website

131 Comments on How to Report A Masturbator to the Authorities

    • This makes me want to fuckin masterbate and tell all you religious fuck to kiss my ass. This site is ridiculous and needs to be shut down go marry your sister and brother you hillbilly lowlifes

      • I agree.. this site is FUCKED UP
        let me photoshop someone playing with their bits?
        its perfectly healthy fuck i do it EVERY WEEK!!
        you all need to get a fucking life.. and worry about the shit thats actually going on in the world.. like wars..
        Praying wont do shit!!!

        • I pray for you, my son. Most sinners deny the existence of the Lord God. Masturbation is the most illegal thing in life. I fear you have been brainwashed since conception. If you give into self rape. What prevents you from committing murder, theft or becoming a Liberal?

          I’ll pray for you, and your family.


          • For one, to say that it is the ‘most illegal thing in life’ sounds like it comes from your personal system of values. That does not mean it applies to everyone else.

            Secondly, self-rape is a contradicting term. The word ‘rape’ implies a resistance to physical or sexual intercourse. Unless you have a severe case of split personality disorder, self-rape does not happen.

            Tell me this, SPECIFICALLY what is wrong with masturbation? All of you religious crazies spend your time writing/talking/preaching some VERY serious statements, but lack the proof to support your arguments. I can understand that, sure, it can lead someone to be dependent on pornography. That’s bad because, as humans, we have the need to have sex with other people in order to procreate. But what is your argument? Masturbation is bad because it means that it will turn me into a person that “presents a danger to society”? I hope to SOME god that you and the rest of the people on this site wake up from ignorance and stupidity.

            Because I fear you have been brainwashed since conception.

          • i masturbate daily but i dont feeel the need to go and kill anyone. i believe in god and the Lord Jesus Christ but if i choose to “rape” myself then so be it, and for something to be considered “rape” it means that the sexual action was committed when another person doesnt want it, therefore its not rape since were doing it to ourselves, it is not rape. When a person masturbates he/she is not raping themselves or anyone else because masturbation feels amazing many people want to do it so therefor there is no way that you can consider masturbation any form of “rape” and your term “self rape” is stupid because one can not rape themselves

        • 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 ESV / 362 helpful votes

          For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.

          Ephesians 5:3 

          But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

          I pray that our prayers can set you upon the right path to salvation so that your soul doesn’t burn in the eternal lake of fire and pain.

        • I don’t believe that Rev. Richard Tuggins would ever participate in a parody site, when masturbation destroys so many families and communities. I know him, and he is a good, God-fearing man.

    • You do realize that you would be turning in the entire US military whilst deployed……good job you hate freedom and bacon

    • Well there’s not much else to do behind bars other than to whack off a good one. All this masturbation hate makes me need to go fap up a storm. Fap fap fap, whack whack whack.

    • Are you freaking kidding me!?!?!?! You are advocating lying and voyeurism to try to get people put in jail for masteurbation?!?! You need to go back and read your bibles! Lying for sure is a big sin! Bigger than masturbation! Voyeurism, falsifying evidence, and coercing children are just plain immoral! And you dare to call yourselves Christians! Go jack off and take your meds!

  1. ^ I’m going to take a bar and shove it all the way up your ass and I promise by the end you will love masterbating augustweisz your gonna beg me not to stop

  2. Great information. Thank you, Liam. I printed this out and it’s now on my bulletin board as a daily reminder. I will memorize it while I get ready in the mirror next to my bulletin board. Praise on high, Brother!

  3. agreed Brother Reznor, please put those notes on every mirror so you don’t forget to get it beat inside your head, each and every day you walk by it… thats what it takes to get beaten each and everyday in your mind!

  4. Fuck leonni childs he is a cow fucker and masterbator I saw him masterbating in mcdonalds

  5. Y’all are some stupid mother fuckers. Lmao. Everything about this article is pure ignorance. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating.

  6. What great advice Brother Liam. I’ll have you know I have reported 5 masturbators in my area using the information you have provided.

    • well arnt you the goody goody little god helper, coverting around to catch fellow humans out so you can score heaven points,, tell me really ,is this what your god asks of you, to spy and harass your fellow humans ,just because they have a different idea than you, you need to have a wank man,

  7. Well first of all taking a picture when someone is in the shower is just wrong.
    Photoshopping someone to make it look like they are masterbating is illegal as you will be doing it without their permission.
    And why do you care so much about masterbation…the only difference between that and sex is that you are using your own hand…you americans are just weird sometimes…

  8. There is a suspected masturbator living next door to me. I will entice him by getting my same race wife to sunbathe and I will have the camera ready!

  9. The Department of Homeland Security has assigned SMN & BLUFF Ministries a Special Deputy Agent to handle the massive influx of filthy masturbaters being reported from this post. They have a new program called Find A Peter Puller, Enjoy Rewards TIPS (FAPPER TIPS) program and for each masturbater that is convicted the FAPPER TIPPER will get a $5000 Reward. To file a report contact:

    FAPPER TIPS Hotline
    Pastor Morris L. Gulett, DHS Special Deputy
    Post Office Box 282
    Converse, Louisiana 71419

    God Bless,

    Call today for your FAPPER TIPS get $$$ Tomorrow!

    • I pray for the day, when only the hearsay of a man of faith will be enough to get them locked away for good, brother Jason. just make sure you keep a-hold of your screen shots from this netsite. those sum bitches are incontrovertible.

        • how about you go die!!!!!!!!!! if anyone records me jacking off ill personally kick there ass after i kick your ass you stupid cunt!!!!!!!!!

  10. Fuck off.. Who cares if ya masturbate honestly. Anyone who fucking puts a camera to my fucking window or anyone else’s neighbor is considered stalking.. Lol you guys are dumb.. If YOURE THE ONe putting a camera to some one else’s bedroom or bathroom then YOURE going to jail. Not the masturbator btw go fuck yourself to anyone who takes this seriously!

    • you cant be put in JAIL for simply taking a camera into someones bedroom or bathroom, this is simply not true. i understand your fear, especially in these troubled times but you CAN still take a cam phone where you like and film who you want. Obama may be a luciferian thing, but we don’t live in his new world order YET. 😉 Brother Lonnie is watching out for YOU.

      • I think crazy ass lonnie just wants you to take photographic evidence so he can beat off to it. it turns him on so much its sad that he has tricked all of you into getting his porn for him. Well he only masturbatory when he doesn’t have little boys to do it for him… praise be to dumb nuts!

  11. i agree you guys need serious help possibly even sent to the mental hospital…Just because you have wack job beliefs do not force them on others and try to ruin peoples lifes over something EVERYONE does …deny it as much as you like i could give two shits..needless to say your seriously brain washed or in need of severe mental health help

  12. you guys are funny. you know this is a satire article right?

    ” having my kids lie to the police about him masturbating next to his window while they played, was crucial in getting the judge to find him guilty.”

    i laughed so hard when i saw this.

    there’s a lot of other funny things in here if you actually read the article, you’ll know.

    • I know all good non masturbators are doing this, but some people here are new to the faith, so we need to go back to the basics of good citizenship sometimes. have patience, brother, even though this may seem insultingly basic and obvious to you, be assured that this website is the true original.

  13. Good info as always!!! I am going to get my kids to also lie about seeing our neighbor masturbate!!! I think he is a liberal anyway.

  14. Do any one of you overly religious, bible hugging freaks realise how much of a serious invasion of privacy these ‘tips’ are? These alone will get you fined…plus, ‘…having my children lie to the police…’ is terrible; lying to authorities is also a punishable offense.

    I seriously hope that this horrible website is a fake or a joke. Damn, you people are tools.

    • Omg dude, it’s a freaking joke. If you can’t figure it out by reading the article, come back when you find a sense of humor. Oh! And I used my kids and lied to the cops too! Taught my neighbor not to steal MY Sunday paper anymore!

  15. I think that it is time you all took your faith in hand. sometimes it is best to get a firm grip of the situation and work hard towards producing a result.

  16. I am also planning to take this issue back to my local parish so that we can have a mass debate.

  17. The authorities say it’s not masturbation if there is another party participating. I should be okay rubbing myself with my sisters ken doll right?

  18. Hey guys, why bother with fabricating evidence ? It takes too much time and effort. Why don’t you just advise people to take justice in their hands and simply murder all those neighbours suspected to be masturbators ? If you have no problem performing criminal act of fabricating evidence, why don’t you just go one step further and quickly resolve the issue by killing all potential masturbators ? It is quicker and easier. All these horrible sinners put behind bars will come back to streets sooner or later and continue to threat our society and specially unprotected children….

  19. I can’t decide if this a wind up or not. Either way it’s very funny. Knocking one out is deemed to be more serious than fabrication of evidence. If this isn’t a joke then I think there are some people here that need serious psychiatric help….and it isn’t the people twanging the wire, flicking the bean, choking the chicken, rubbing one out, bashing the bishop, knock oneself about a bit, make a deposit, have a knuckle shuffle, a hand shandy, engage in hand to gland combat, throwing the ham javelin, to pull up the purple thistle, jerk the gherkin, to become a wankipants, Jack off or ,if you are a lady, Jill off, receive some jizziotherapy, to become a merchant banker. Charming the one eyed trouser snake, to become wankrupt, release the Dutch jellyfish (if bathing) polish the dolphin (ditto) , have one off the wrist, a white knuckle ride, strangle Kojak, take Captain Picard to warp speed, to glaze a knuckle,….and so on.

  20. Website must be run by fat ugly fucks that cant reach themselves – probably all prey on children so they dont need to wank – have kids do it for them! Sick cunts!

  21. This website is the worst piece of shit i have ever seen. Im struggling to believe people can be so disgustingly ignorant. Fucking bastards, Lonnie fuckface has tainted all these people, its utterly appalling this website needs to be removed. Everyone who disagrees can go fuck them selves.

    • Well, well, well.

      Another filthy mouthed hysterical woman openly encouraging men to publicly masturbate for her own pleasure. You sicken me with your dirty language and blatant whoredom!!

      Firstly, I have taken a vow that disallows me from fu@king myself and I disagree . Therefore your request that I f@ck myself is silly and pathetic!! Ha ha you must be really slow if you think you can get me to break my vow to St Lonald just because I disagree with you!! Ha ha ha. Slattern!!

      Secondly, your illeterate and potty tongued use of language actually says more about your ignorance than ours. How are we ignorant when we have the bible as translated from Aramaic by Brother Lonnnie to guide us??


      Your parents sinned when they allowed your mother to go full term with a child, you, that is obviously retarded and mentally deficient.

      I am going to pray at you know and you can’t stop me.

      Gods love be with you

      Douglas. G. Pinnick

  22. fortunately i do my masturbating out in the woods, and with others. Its quite natural and i assure you its not against god…. do the ten commandments say anything about it? nope… those are the only things god gave to man to follow, the rest of this… bible was interpreted by old men who wanted their opinions to become doctrine… so i will keep masturbating till my bf and I pass out in each others arms!!

  23. Are you guys for real? What about mark 12 and Mathew 22 love your neighbour.
    What about when Jesus had a women caught in adultery what did he do? John 8
    Mathew 6 also talks about prayer being private so I’m not going to do it here. I only hope the that love peace and grace pour into your hearts and my self for that matter.

  24. OMG is it real? I don’t know if I had to LOL or CRY!!! Are you all serious? I’m european, retired rifleman, travel the wolrd, i know a lot of muslim, jews, christian, induist, but never heard something so stupid. Better you don’t have child so dont make them grow so abnormal. Hey, take a look on youporn and have some fun!


    Come at me bros. Rapists get away intact, and you are worried about people getting themselves off? This is literally the dumbest thing I have EVER seen.

  26. Don’t masturbate, get a young boy to do it for you like all good religious figureheads 🙂

    Please don’t actually follow these instructions you real sickos

  27. “When I had my neighbor locked up for masturbating, having my kids lie to the police about him masturbating next to his window while they played, was crucial in getting the judge to find him guilty.” Wow. Just,…wow. How fucking pathetic to use your kids as a tool against someone if that is the case. Some people on this site need help, truly they do. Thank fuck I don’t live in America because quite frankly I would be ashamed.

    • You have a very twisted view of the world of you think a child’s testimony is pathetic!!

      The children of this world, mine and yours alike, are its future and I think it’s far healthy to bring up a child to recognise and fight against evil in all its guises.

      My youngest daughter, 17yrs old, would have no problem reciting to the police what I told her she saw. This is because I ensured she knew her place in the household and she knows that what I say and do is the best for her!

      I can only imagine what chaos must have reigned in your household if you think we shouldn’t trust children to do the right thing by God.

      Grow up!!

      Gods love with you


  28. This whole stop masterbation now is either bullshit or you people are fucking judgmentle dickheads and wat the fuck does same race mean we are all the same u fuck turds go suck a dick all of u cunts

  29. To be honest I wasnt sure what all the fuss was about, then I tried it and was amazed, what a fantastic feeling as I screamed out loud. Then the supermarket manager asked me to leave and I was sad again 🙁

  30. You sir are a Genius! A master of your craft. My favorite part of this article is the suggestion that children make the best witnesses. Pure comedy! Not to mention, every single method you have suggested to catch a predator is illegal in it’s right. For the other commenters of this article who have resorted to foul language to attack the OP are just too stupid to realize this is a joke (I hope). You, Mr. Liam McKay, are now the master of internet trolling in my book! Well done!

  31. ACTUALLY… PUBLIC masturbation is illegal. Only two states have an anti-masturbation law on the books.

  32. Yall retarted all of you that say is wong to masterbate are usually the ones masterbating and ppl that say they dont masterbate are lyers

  33. i’ll send you all semen filled cupcakes, you’ll enjoy them as much as i did making them 🙂

  34. I’m a muslim convert and I do not agree with this . Freedom for America!!!! Allah hu Akbar!

  35. can someone tell me, what the actually fuck is with this site. like you complain about perverts, when you are saying to ‘record video’ or ‘take a picture’ of someone masturbating. jesus christ why i’m i living on this earth with idiot. satan please help me

  36. This is probably the stupidist website I’ve ever seen…is the authors profile picture of Lemmy Kilmister?.. Hopefully this is satire

  37. Its ok, I can just photoshop up some evidence. That’s recommended by this very article correct?

  38. Oh my god, seriously? Video tape someone masturbating us just wrong. It’s just gross and weird. I’ve been wacking my dick since I was 10, so 5 years now. It is completely normal for someone to explore their body. This website is a joke

  39. How ill informed is this article. I bet you missed out the word *public* in front of masturbation, didn’t you! You sad repressed closet wankers need to get over yourselves, throw that stupid book away, and start living. I bet you don’t condemn raping women or children as part of your agenda, do you?

  40. You people are FUCKING MORONS! 99% of all men masturbate; the other 1% lie and say they don’t! The same can also be said about women, except more of them lie! Sometimes I jerk off 3X a day and I LOVE IT! Maybe I’ll do it 4 times today just to spite you stupid twits!

    • You do, of course, realize the site administrator can get your IP address from the server log, right? The authorities would have no problem at all tracking you down. They could convict you on your own admission here, but will probably gather surveillance evidence to make the case rock solid. I even think you have admitted to way more than enough for a three strikes conviction. How does life in prison (where you can masturbate with Bubba) sound, sinner?

  41. Also, if you tried to turn yourself or anybody else in for MASTURBATING which EVERYONE DOES at the police station in my town or any of the surrounding areas, they’d laugh at you and then ask you if you want to join them in the back room for a circle jerk, because they have some AWESOME porn at the police station-I know-I’ve jerked off with them PLENTY of times before and have done so for YEARS!!!

  42. It amazes me how many of you posting don’t get that this is a GAG site and is supposed to be funny!

  43. There is nothing like jerking it off with one hand and reading the bible with the other.

  44. “Make sure to only use software that you have lawfully paid for. Otherwise, you are using illegal software, which is not only wrong, it is illegal.” hahahahahahahahaha

  45. Yesterday i wank my willi and do some hardcore masturbation ,,,and than ,when i was close to come …a shining light talk to me and say i sould go and pray to everyone that wanking is a holly act off loving and relaxing …and it say everybody sould wank 12 times a day …and if you dont you will go to hell whit your dogs balls in your mouth for ever till end off time ..
    happy wanking

  46. Yesterday i wank my willi and do some hardcore masturbation ,,,and than ,when i was close to come …a shining light talk to me and say i sould go and pray to everyone that wanking is a holly act off loving and relaxing …and it say everybody sould wank 12 times a day …and if you dont you will go to hell whit your dogs balls in your mouth for ever till end off time ..
    happy wanking
    Pray For (1)
    Pray Against (0)

  47. A guy in our dorm masturbates but closes the curtains and locks the door when does the misdeed. Would the used tissues I retrieved form his trash be enough to get an arrest and conviction? I can get his saving trimmings from the bathroom to help as DNA evidence. I can’t take hearing him sinning in there when I linger for a few minutes by his door. I am so glad self-rape is illegal.

  48. Best site ever. Thanks to this site, I’ve gone from masturbating 1x a week to doing it all the time! I love the illegal aspect of it…can’t wait to whack off in front of a cop!

  49. The stupidity of people posting negative things, because they need a big sign to recognize the irony 😀

  50. well im masturbating right now you guys are fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! why is self stimulation “illegal” which it isnt but what i do with my penis is what i do, yours is yours. if i wanna jack off then fuck all you anti masturbation cum suckers!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is stupid idk who put this site up but whoever you are your so fucking stupid priests can go fuck little boys up the ass but i cant stroke my penis which is something 90% of teenagers do wtf how fucked up can people be to actually believe this shit!!!! i swear this makes me want to tie you up and jack off in front of you and cum on your face just so you can see my enjoyment!!!!! if a priest can rape a little boy touch them or whatever he wants then i hope all your children overcome the same fate where a priest makes them masturbate or masturbates with/for them where they have anal sex with the priest that is what you deserve if your putting your children through this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!! this anti-masturbation cross is the most fucked up thing ive ever heard of like who the fuck is actually going to put there kid in this thing its inhumane to strap your kids into this thing and expect them to not be sex offenders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANY PERSON WHO PUTS A CHILD IN THAT THING IS CREATING A SEX OFFENDER YOUR CHILD WILL HAVE SO MUCH BOTTLED UP SEXUAL TENSION HE IS GOING TO GO OUT AND RAPE PEOPLE AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DONT LIKE MY OPINION THEN I HOPE YOUR CHILD MASTURBATES AND SHOOTS THERE CUM ALL OVER YOUR FACE I HOPE YOU ALL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • You are one sick individual. Stream of consciousness, one big run-on sentence… I can’t even get through the filth you are writing. Come back when you have a coherent point. Praying against you now.

  51. We really need to put $900 trillion of taxpayers money into an all-powerful law-enforcement agency that will deal only with masterbators. After all, it will help provide employment for law-enforcement personnel at $400,000 per year who would otherwise have to suffer with only $100,000 per year in other jobs, and after all, the taxpayers and the government don’t have any other uses for the money.

  52. I’m sure there are plenty of people, including myself, who masturbate and do NOT commit murder. Where did you get those statistics?

  53. I feel so sorry for the retards that don’t realise this is a spoof site, Reverend Richard Tuggins(?) Dick Tuggins (?!?) Vegan cattle ranch ? You Mexicans are thick as fuck

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