How to “Rescue” your dog from Masturbation

All Dogs Want to Be Rescued from Masturbation

We all know that masturbation advocates claim that Masturbation is “natural” and they back-up that claim by saying that Animals do it. This statement is false, to a certain degree. Most animals do not masturbate, as it is a completely unnatural act. Unfortunately, some animals do masturbate. These same animals also: eat their own feces, kill children, sniff crotches, make loud noises, throw their own feces, have sex with inanimate objects, and so on….

Like with human masturbators, animal masturbators are at the same risks of developing: prostate cancer, getting The Gay, incest, masturbation rage and also contracting the bad AIDS. You may be asking yourself, “How do I protect my pets from the evils of Masturbation.” The answer is simple, but the act of “rescuing” your dog from masturbation requires a vigilant eye, consistency and discipline.

First of all, create a masturbation free environment. No rock and roll music, no secular pornography, no hipster dog food and no feeding after midnight.

Secondly, make sure to discipline your dog if you ever suspect your dog of masturbation or intent-to-commit masturbation. A good beating works best, but you can also withhold food and water, or give your dog some “time out” in a hot car.

Tying your dog's tail to his/her stomach will create a natural obstruction agains masturbation
Tying your dog’s tail to his/her stomach will create a natural obstruction against masturbation

Lastly, employ preventative measures. Have your dog wear a cone. Throw salt on his “red rocket.” Tie his tail to his/her stomach so your dog’s genitals are obstructed. Place a diaper on your dog and change it regularly.

With a good protestant-Christian environment, good discipline and appropriate preventative measures, your dog should live a happy and healthy life, for years to come.

If you are looking to get a dog, understand that dogs only masturbate, if they’ve been exposed to, or are the victim of: Bestiality. In order to avoid purchasing or adopting an abused dog, make sure to get your dog from a certified “Rescue” agency. Dog “rescues” screen each dog to make sure they are bestiality free. If you encounter a dog that is masturbating, be sure to report the owner to the police or the ASPCA (Animal Self-Rape Prevention & Care Association).

About Liam McKey 44 Articles
Liam McKey is a former combat veteran and owner of the only Vegan-Certified ranch in the United States. He has two normal teenage children with his same-race wife. Liam is active in the community of Safford, Arizona where he lives. Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction and has many degrees from various non-accredited faith-based colleges.
Contact: Website

20 Comments on How to “Rescue” your dog from Masturbation

    • We didn’t say there was anything wrong with gay people, although the gay is a side effect of masturbation. It is a same-sex act.

    • When you get The Gay, or whatever it is that you have, it is because you forget which gender you are supposed to have sex with. It’s a form of amnesia, brought on by Masturbation.

      • You’re not supposed to have sex with any gender. Nor are you required to have sex at all in your life. I’m a Pansexual so I don’t care about the gender, just how the person treats me. It’s not wrong to fall in love.

        Blessed ye be

          • Actually, the prefix pan- comes from an Ancient Greek term meaning “all” or “every” meaning, all people. Don’t be an ignorant dumbass and get your facts right.

  1. Freaking animal abuse! I am a supporter of the ASPCA, and I can say that “tying your dog up” is animal abuse.

    • Read the article Sir. Nowhere in the article does it say to tie your dog up. It says to tie its tail to its stomach. A picture was also provided as a way of getting this point across to stupid people. Unfortunately, some are too stupid to read the article AND look at a picture.

  2. If I know where you live and if I know that this is not a troll site and even if it is I WILL FUCKING PUNCH YOU IN THE TROAT!! You wanna know why? First because you are saying to badly treat your animals, SECOND BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME STUPID PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WILL ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN THESE SHIT AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR ANIMALS AND OR LEAVE THEM TO DIE IN A FUCKING CAR -.-

    • I live in Safford, next to the campus of: Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts. You are welcome to visit us if you wish. You can also call and discuss any grievances that you may have. Our toll free number is 1-888-276-6760

  3. This is so ridiculus. It is in the dogs nature. And you really don’t want to kill your
    dog by placeing it in a hot car. I will do it again because it does not know what it
    did wrong. I mean, I know this isnt real but still it is fun seeing the people argue with me XD

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