Overview & Faith Facts™: Hypertrichosis, or “Masturbator’s Hairy Body” (MHB) as it is usually called, is known to have affected millions of individuals throughout recorded history. Early on, MHB afflicted individuals were thought to be “wolfmen” that were shapeshifters. Thankfully around the early 1960s, Lonnie Childs and his team of researchers were able to confirm that these individuals were not something fantastical, but just common masturbators that made poor choices in life. Any given year, around 2000 individuals succumb to MHB in the United States alone.
What is MHB?
Hypertrichosis, most commonly known as “Masturbator’s Hairy Body” (MHB) is a very contagious disease spread by mutual masturbation and/or masturbation residue getting into the body by way of the mucus membranes or through an open cut or sore. MHB spreads quite quickly with the final stage being the complete transformation into an animalistic, feral human.
How is it spread?
MHB is most commonly spread by way of masturbation residue (aka – Satan’s seed, aka – semen) getting into an open cut or sore on their hand or upper trunk, as most masturbators have many sores and cuts in those locations. Less commonly, an infected individual can pass the tainted semen to others in instances of mutual masturbation or even less commonly, during non-procreational sexual contact.
Are YOU at risk?
If you engage in masturbation you are 100% at risk for contracting MHB.
What are the symptoms of MHB?
During the first stage of the disease, the masturbator may begin to notice their teeth become more deformed than usual. In many cases the masturbator’s eyes will also become tinted a jaundiced yellow. If both the teeth and eye color change are combined, it is most definitely MHB and NOT the less severe disease, jaundice.
During the second stage of MHB, the masturbator will begin to sprout incredible amounts of hair all over their body. The hair will grow back almost immediately if waxed or shaved off and that is another sign that the masturbator is suffering from MHB and not just irregular hair growth.
During the third and final stage of MHB, the masturbator is reduced to a feral manbeast that can no longer control their urges. They are now prone to completely uncontrolled masturbation and unspeakable fits of rage. Many times during the third stage the medical community views the case as a “lost cause”.
What is the treatment for MHB?
For masturbators afflicted with stage one of MHB, the only treatment is complete abstinence from masturbation. While is it rare, institutes such as Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, have been able to successfuly treat a handful of stage two cases. Despite BLUFF’s few successes, there is still not an optimistic outlook for stage two treatment at this time.
There has never been a successful treatment for any masturbator suffering from stage three MHB and they will meet the same fate as all masturbators.
Conclusion: If you or a loved one is showing the signs of early MHB, do not hesitate to immediately seek care at the nearest Lonnie Childs Approved Masturbation Disease Center®. When caught early, MHB can be successfully treated and the masturbators can actually do something productive with their lives.