Profile of a Masturbation Disease: Hypertrichosis (MHB)

Overview & Faith Facts™: Hypertrichosis, or “Masturbator’s Hairy Body” (MHB) as it is usually called, is known to have affected millions of individuals throughout recorded history. Early on, MHB afflicted individuals were thought to be “wolfmen” that were shapeshifters. Thankfully around the early 1960s, Lonnie Childs and his team of researchers were able to confirm that these individuals were not something fantastical, but just common masturbators that made poor choices in life. Any given year, around 2000 individuals succumb to MHB in the United States alone.

What is MHB?

Hypertrichosis, most commonly known as “Masturbator’s Hairy Body” (MHB) is a very contagious disease spread by mutual masturbation and/or masturbation residue getting into the body by way of the mucus membranes or through an open cut or sore. MHB spreads quite quickly with the final stage being the complete transformation into an animalistic, feral human.

How is it spread?

MHB is most commonly spread by way of masturbation residue (aka – Satan’s seed, aka – semen) getting into an open cut or sore on their hand or upper trunk, as most masturbators have many sores and cuts in those locations. Less commonly, an infected individual can pass the tainted semen to others in instances of mutual masturbation or even less commonly, during non-procreational sexual contact.

Are YOU at risk?

If you engage in masturbation you are 100% at risk for contracting MHB.

What are the symptoms of MHB?

During the first stage of the disease, the masturbator may begin to notice their teeth become more deformed than usual. In many cases the masturbator’s eyes will also become tinted a jaundiced yellow. If both the teeth and eye color change are combined, it is most definitely MHB and NOT the less severe disease, jaundice.

This masturbator is afflicted with Stage 1 of MHB. Note the deformed teeth and yellow eyes.
This masturbator is afflicted with Stage 1 of MHB. Note the deformed teeth and yellow eyes.

During the second stage of MHB, the masturbator will begin to sprout incredible amounts of hair all over their body. The hair will grow back almost immediately if waxed or shaved off and that is another sign that the masturbator is suffering from MHB and not just irregular hair growth.

A masturbator suffering through Stage 2 MHB.
A masturbator suffering through Stage 2 MHB.

During the third and final stage of MHB, the masturbator is reduced to a feral manbeast that can no longer control their urges. They are now prone to completely uncontrolled masturbation and unspeakable fits of rage. Many times during the third stage the medical community views the case as a “lost cause”.

This masturbator suffering from Stage 3 MHB is so crazed he is actually trying to masturbate himself through his jeans.
This masturbator suffering from Stage 3 MHB is so crazed he is actually trying to masturbate himself through his jeans.

What is the treatment for MHB?

For masturbators afflicted with stage one of MHB, the only treatment is complete abstinence from masturbation. While is it rare, institutes such as Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts, have been able to successfuly treat a handful of stage two cases. Despite BLUFF’s few successes, there is still not an optimistic outlook for stage two treatment at this time.

There has never been a successful treatment for any masturbator suffering from stage three MHB and they will meet the same fate as all masturbators.

Conclusion: If you or a loved one is showing the signs of early MHB, do not hesitate to immediately seek care at the nearest Lonnie Childs Approved Masturbation Disease Center®. When caught early, MHB can be successfully treated and the masturbators can actually do something productive with their lives.

About Cathy Redmond 108 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

23 Comments on Profile of a Masturbation Disease: Hypertrichosis (MHB)

  1. To webmaster: I believe pray for and pray against counter is fucked up. It seems you get around 30 pray against right after posting the comment. (Especially visible under the anti masturbation cross article…)

    • I have passed your concerns on to the council and they will bring this to the table the next time they meet with Brother Lonnie Childs. Lonnie willing, you will see some form of response from Him – either directly on this netsite or via a vision.


  2. If lonnie, cathy, and leroy are playing the cookie game and spewing satans seed-this will be proven by 32 prays against………

  3. How dare you taint the names of our beloved leaders! You will burn in the eternal hellfire of self molestation poking fun at faithfacts. I pray for the realization of your wrowrongdoing. Praise!

    • It’s okay, Phil. The average masturbator doesn’t know any better. It’s quite possible the individual who said this is already suffering from Stage 3 MHB and this just triggered their response. I imagine they were masturbating before, after and during their attempt to besmirch our fine names.


    • Ha ha! “Men’s Health”. Right. If there was ever a Big Masturbation controlled publication that is most definitely one of them. I’ve seen some of the immoral and risky things they attempt to to tell people is “good for them” or at the very least acceptable behavior.

      We don’t believe in SciLIEnce here, Joseph. Only Faith Facts™.


  4. People, these images are all frickin’ screenshots from movies. The one on the top of the page is from “Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman”, the MHB stages 1 and 2 being from “An American Werewolf in London”, and the third stage of MHB being from “I Was a Teenage Werewolf” (not to mention he’s playing an AIR GUITAR, not masturbating through his jeans).

  5. Funny as fuck! !!! Haven’t laughed so hard in ages. Keep the jokes coming and make everyone’s day.

  6. Please direct me to the scripture where God condemns masturbation- And please, do not misuse scripture, the ‘Sin of Onan’ (Genesis 38:9), out of context. A person needs to understand that Onan was a member of a dynastic Judean Royal bloodline. And as such, a Royal heir, had to produce a son and heir.

    One does not have to think, read and/or view questionable material, in order to relieve a natural, normal and healthy process.

    Does God tempt man to sin?

    Surely, you know the answer to that question.. ?

    Who made the ingenious conduit of high-spin metal micro fibers that make up our nervous system? Of which, certain clusters of nerve endings are strategically placed where either (depending on the decided gender), a penis or clitorus develop… A design God made for man, err I say, all ‘mammals’ to enjoy. I might add, mammals also possess a superior frontal lobe on their brain and is the part of the brain that creates a desire and need for mammals to live and be accepted into herds and/or packs; or assembling together in congregations and is solely the main reason why we are able to consciously make contact with God at all (the still small voice).

  7. One time, Father took me out to sea with him on a scouting mission looking for new lands to exploit. We happened upon this island and got out and looked around. Little did we know, it was remote island where one of the European countries sent all of their worst sufferers of MHB. Every one of them was in the final, feral beast stage. Father lost a lot of good men that day. MHB is real and believe me, a bunch of final stage patients in one place is really, really bad. This is not a joking matter.

  8. Isn’t Hypertrichiosis mean, ‘The male pattern of hair sprouting from the pinna of the ear’, and its definitely a genetic disorder.

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