An 18-year-old pizza store employee in Texas has been charged with a felony after police say he rubbed his genitals on food he was preparing for a customer.
The Georgetown Police Department arrested Austin Symonds last week and charged him with tampering with a consumer product.
Sadly, he was not killed, but was instead fired.
Symonds, who suffered 3rd degree burns of his sin-scepter after pizzabating with a fresh-from-the-oven-double-deep-dish-pizza is quoted saying, ” This wasn’t my brightest idea, and I’m pretty sure this @#$%^ is $%^&*@ beyond all belief. Even though I maimed myself, guess this is the high-point of my life! Texas! WHOOO!!!” He then punched the air, and tweeted the conversation on Twitter.
Sadly, Austin was not killed because of his offenses, but B.L.U.F.F. warns all pizzabators will die 157% of the time.
Symonds is currently getting a pig penis grafted to his own mangled glans in an attempt to save his ruined genitals.
At this time, pizzabation is still legal in 100% of USA states, proving these are indeed troubled times we live in.