American Patriot Oliver North Calls Dirty Liberal Stewart “Masturbator”

"I know what I did, I know why I didn't masturbate. Ever." - Oliver North

WEST PALM BEACH, FLA — (SMNNN) American War Machine Patriot and National Hero Lt. Col. Oliver North took a shot at the host of a variety show, liberal Jon Stewart, while on his book tour. North, promoting his new book of faith facts, ‘Big Masturbation’s Lies’, let loose condemning Stewart as a “masturbator”.

On an episode of last week’s Big Masturbation funded “Politically Incorrect” smut show, Stewart, while stroking himself, implied that North was a “hyprocrite and hyprocties really get me moist”. Stewart went on to imply that the devout North himself was a masturbator and added “Does this make you mad because masturbation’s gone mainstream? I was into using lotion to wax my sin sword way before it was cool.” Stewart also went on to criticize North’s personal views on the recent Sgt. Bergdahl American War Machine prisoner trade scandal.

North has remained justifiably critical of the ‘President’ Obama administration and their botched handling of the recent Sgt. Bergdahl swap for five Big Masturbation agents held prisoner. North claims that the Taliban had nothing to do with Bergdahl’s abduction, despite what the mass media would lead you to believe. North claims that Bergdhal was actually being held by Big Masturbation.

Oliver North: American Badass
Oliver North: American Badass

“All they wanted, and I know this for a fact, was more masturbatory aid from the Obama administration,” North said about the Bergdahl orderal. “The Taliban had nothing to do with this. (Obama) had this open discussion and sometimes secret discussion that led to the release of five of the most brutal masturbators on Planet Earth, who weren’t just wanted for promoting masturbation. They were wanted for crimes against humanity. Collectively those five probably masturbated a quarter of a ton worth of semen in the last year alone.”

“Most civilians don’t understand it, because they’ve never served in the American War Machine. Jon Stewart ought to look into it, that masturbator,” North explained. “I had to do things to preserve this great nation that didn’t include self-raping myself in front of a live studio audience. He can say whatever he wants, but he’s no American. I am. He can call me anything he wants. I know what I did, I know why I didn’t masturbate. Ever.”

North continues to raise questions about a potential White House cover up of the Bergdahl situation to instead involve the Taliban to take heat off of Big Masturbation.

North’s newest book “Big Masturbation’s Lies” blows the lid off Big Masturbation’s recent power plays to prevent the growing worldwide Stop Masturbation Now! movement.

North added, “I’ve got skin in the game, I’ve got a lovely assigned spouse, I’ve got four kids all with assigned spouses and fourteen grandkids. I do not want their future determined by those who are going to throw semen around.”

Cathy Redmond, reporting for

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About Cathy Redmond 104 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

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