Politics

BREAKING NEWS: ‘Roller Jerking’ Incident Causes Coaster Derailment

VALENCIA, CALIF. — (SMNNN) First responders are still working to rescue riders of the “Ninja” roller coaster at Los Angeles area amusement park “Six Flags: Magic Mountain” late Monday evening. The incident happened around 5:30pm Pacific time and left four park goers injured.

Witnesses on the scene said everything seemed to running normally and then all of the sudden one of the cars just “slipped off the tracks” and “crashed into a nearby tree”. Images recovered from the scene also showed at least one of the cars of the Ninja coaster also dangling from the tracks.

At least 15 other riders are still trapped on the ride as park workers and firefighters struggle at this hour to rescue them.

SMNNN spoke to Six Flags guest Levi Wilson who said, “We were on the car right before the one that crashed. We noticed the tracks looked to be almost caked with this clear and sometimes white fluid. I’m not sure what it was but it seemed strange and the ride seemed to be pretty slippery; more than usual.”

Six Flags made themselves unavailable for comment as to whether or not they’d been keeping up with the mandatory “semen removal maintenance” that has become a necessary task for all theme parks since the late 1990s.

We were able to speak with Brother Virgil Cain, an engineering professor at Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (Safford, Ariz.). Brother Virgil said, “In 1998, the SMN movement was able to get a regulation on theme park rides rammed through the bureaucratic nightmare of the U.S. legal system. The legislation said that due to the action that the masturbators like to call “Roller Jerking”, dangerous levels of semen were being spilled out onto the tracks of most thrill rides and that created a safety and morality issue. Of course the various amusement parks were already lackadaisical with their cleanliness but thanks to Brother Lonnie and his lobbyists it is now punishable by law in all 48 states that matter for a ride operator to neglect the twice daily semen cleaning process.”

Six Flags New Orleans - Closed due to Roller Jerking Act (1998)

Six Flags New Orleans was closed in 2005 due to failure to comply with the Roller Jerking Act. Six Flags strangely chose to submerge the park in water instead of tearing it down.

“We got the law passed because Brother Lonnie, Himself, created some diagrams and wrote a bunch of equations down on some papers,” Brother Virgil continued. “He also made a model, substituting baby oil mixed with milk for masturbator semen, that showed how a roller coaster car could go flying off the tracks with even just the equivalent of one or two ‘Roller Jerking’ deposits.”

Brother Virgil added that he is not privy to Six Flags: Magic Mountain’s safety records, but this incident “definitely looks like far too much ‘Roller Jerking’ was happening regularly on the Ninja coaster and they neglected to keep up with their maintenance. We closed one of their parks in the sin den of New Orleans back in 2005 due to their noncompliance with the Act; so I would not be surprised if that was the cause of the incident this evening.”

The ‘Roller Jerking Act of 1998’, as it was dubbed by the few media outlets that didn’t censor the story, was yet another step in Brother Lonnie’s plan to completely eradicate masturbation from the world.


Cathy Redmond can be followed on The Twitter or liked on her Facebook Netpage.

Praise.

 

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Adolf Hitler
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Adolf Hitler

Yeah, I was the one jerking on the coaster. Felt great, my dick flapping in the breeze, the amazed gawks around me at how big it was. Felt great. 10/10, would wank again. All the other niggers were like “DAYUM SON YOU GOT A MASSIVE COCK!” and I was all like “mhm, hey, tell ya what, i’ll talk to you in 5 minutes” and he was like “SHEDAYUM” and he pulled up some lesbian porn for me to watch while i pounded it. Afterwards I jerked it in the parking lot on a baby’s face. The baby drank it like… Read more »

Benito Musolini
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Benito Musolini

So semen made it derail? Then when it rains it explodes or something?

Truffle
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Damn masturbators just want to ruin everyone’s fun… As well as try to kill folks!

Chronic masturbator
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Chronic masturbator

This is BS and there is no roller jerking act of 1998. There is no way cum would derail a roller coaster. Get it together crazy people.

T
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T

This is a joke, right? Because this is hysterical and can’t possibly be a real thing.

Daniel
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Daniel

Fun fact: every comment on this site gets 32 dislikes automatically in order to make it seem like it has a real anti-masturbation following.