Chronic Masturbator Sues the State of Florida for the Right to Marry Himself.


Joe Ferno, of Naples Florida, has filed suit in State Superior Court, claiming that his right to marry himself is being infringed upon by Florida’s antiquated laws that state marriage is between two people.

The plaintiff, an admitted ten-times a day masturbator, says he is doing what all same-self marriage advocates should be doing.

“It aint like I’m coming out of the closet or nothin” said Mr. Ferno. “Hell, I aint even prying myself away from the Spice Channel. I just wants what’s a commin’ to me.”

 Lead council for the city of Naples disagrees with Ferno’s claim saying,

“There is no need for a single individual to enter into a union with one’s self. This man’s entire argument is ludicrous and a waste of taxpayer dollars.”

When asked why Ferno wanted to marry himself he replied,

“I’m less than a year away from 30 and I don’t want to end up being one of them life-long bachelors. Plus, I might want to have some kids one day and I wasn’t raised to be no single Dad.”

You may remember Joe Ferno from two years ago when he was arrested on the campus of The University of Central Florida, for interrupting the annual “Coming out Day” event put on by the Gay and Lesbian Student Coalition. He was charged with disturbing the peace, trespassing and lewd conduct, for what he called: Bringing masturbation out of the shadows and into the light.

About Liam McKey 44 Articles
Liam McKey is a former combat veteran and owner of the only Vegan-Certified ranch in the United States. He has two normal teenage children with his same-race wife. Liam is active in the community of Safford, Arizona where he lives. Mr. McKey is an expert on teenage masturbation addiction and has many degrees from various non-accredited faith-based colleges.
Contact: Website

17 Comments on Chronic Masturbator Sues the State of Florida for the Right to Marry Himself.

  1. This disgusting heathen. This sad man is only looking for attention. Not only is he committing Self Rape daily. He wants to force himself into a marriage, in which his Sin Twig undoubtedly doesn’t want to partake in.

    I will pray at this sad man. Hopefully, the righteous word of God can cleanse his broken mind and bring him back to “Normality”.

    I pray for you my Brother Liam for having to report such atrocities.

    Praise on super high.


  2. Guy sure looks old for a 30 year old. I got two extra years on this guy and I still get carded for smokes. Must be an American thing. Lack of good wine, garbage junk food and working like slaves for “The Man”. Whatever. Back to ‘bating.

  3. Now that Obama care and forced gay marriage is the law of the land how long is it before self-same marriage is rammed down our throats as well? Twice this week I was attacked by gay men and nearly forced into same sex marriage.

    Thanks Obama!

  4. Masturbators are addled in the brain. They lack the same amounts of grey matter and sin has infected their logic. Whats next after marrying one’s self? Marrying an animal?

  5. I was a sinner and shamefully gave myself AIDS. Down on my luck, I repented my sins to Lonnie Childs, and he cured me and returned me to the path of self-righteousness. This poor misguided soul in this article needs Lonnie’s intervention in the worst way. Praise be.

  6. That is a photo of Shel Silverstein. Famed author and poet. This website cracks me up so much, and I love it, but come on. Be fair to Shel!

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