Morals / Politics

Chronic Masturbator Sues the State of Florida for the Right to Marry Himself.

 

Joe Ferno, of Naples Florida, has filed suit in State Superior Court, claiming that his right to marry himself is being infringed upon by Florida’s antiquated laws that state marriage is between two people.

The plaintiff, an admitted ten-times a day masturbator, says he is doing what all same-self marriage advocates should be doing.

“It aint like I’m coming out of the closet or nothin” said Mr. Ferno. “Hell, I aint even prying myself away from the Spice Channel. I just wants what’s a commin’ to me.”

 Lead council for the city of Naples disagrees with Ferno’s claim saying,

“There is no need for a single individual to enter into a union with one’s self. This man’s entire argument is ludicrous and a waste of taxpayer dollars.”

When asked why Ferno wanted to marry himself he replied,

“I’m less than a year away from 30 and I don’t want to end up being one of them life-long bachelors. Plus, I might want to have some kids one day and I wasn’t raised to be no single Dad.”

You may remember Joe Ferno from two years ago when he was arrested on the campus of The University of Central Florida, for interrupting the annual “Coming out Day” event put on by the Gay and Lesbian Student Coalition. He was charged with disturbing the peace, trespassing and lewd conduct, for what he called: Bringing masturbation out of the shadows and into the light.

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Rev. Richard Tuggins
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Rev. Richard Tuggins

This disgusting heathen. This sad man is only looking for attention. Not only is he committing Self Rape daily. He wants to force himself into a marriage, in which his Sin Twig undoubtedly doesn’t want to partake in.

I will pray at this sad man. Hopefully, the righteous word of God can cleanse his broken mind and bring him back to “Normality”.

I pray for you my Brother Liam for having to report such atrocities.

Praise on super high.

Amen.

Godless
Guest
Godless

Guy sure looks old for a 30 year old. I got two extra years on this guy and I still get carded for smokes. Must be an American thing. Lack of good wine, garbage junk food and working like slaves for “The Man”. Whatever. Back to ‘bating.

Leonard Chimball, Jr.
Member

Godless, please take your filthy european sinful ways elsewhere. We are trying to have a family conversation here

jerker129
Guest
jerker129

Are you retarded?

Carlos Danger
Member

Now that Obama care and forced gay marriage is the law of the land how long is it before self-same marriage is rammed down our throats as well? Twice this week I was attacked by gay men and nearly forced into same sex marriage.

Thanks Obama!

Cathy Redmond
Member

Exactly. Just add it to the list of damaging things that Obama has done to this once great nation.

Praise.

Truffle
Member

Praying he dies soon from The Bad Aids.

jerker129
Guest
jerker129

An example of the Christian love. Holding someone dies of aids

Rev. Richard Tuggins
Guest
Rev. Richard Tuggins

What does holding someone have to do with them being a Homogay and giving them self AIDS?

Amen.

Leonard Chimball, Jr.
Member

Masturbators are addled in the brain. They lack the same amounts of grey matter and sin has infected their logic. Whats next after marrying one’s self? Marrying an animal?

repentant
Guest
repentant

I was a sinner and shamefully gave myself AIDS. Down on my luck, I repented my sins to Lonnie Childs, and he cured me and returned me to the path of self-righteousness. This poor misguided soul in this article needs Lonnie’s intervention in the worst way. Praise be.

Carlos Danger
Member

Brother Lonnie can heal both the good The AIDS and the bad The AIDS. Praise!

themostundervaluedasset
Guest

You people realize this is a picture of Shel Silverstein right? The author of children’s poems?

Liam McKey
Guest

Are you saying that he is the only man with a bald head and a beard?

May
Guest
May

That is a photo of Shel Silverstein. Famed author and poet. This website cracks me up so much, and I love it, but come on. Be fair to Shel!

augustweisz
Admin

I don’t support his masturbation policy, but I do support his anti homosexual policy.