Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Receives Full Pardon By AZ Gov. Jan Brewer

Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Dolphin for masturbating in public
Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

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About Paul Boner 7 Articles
Your man on the anti-masturbation streets since day one!

17 Comments on Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Receives Full Pardon By AZ Gov. Jan Brewer

  1. This website is fucking hilarious I love it. I’m just wondering if all these people are actually real or not…

  2. haha I don’t think so, you automatically receive 32 down-votes every time you post a comment. If they are real they are fucking retarded.

    • The “pray against” down voting is a bug with the system. It has been reported to the vendor in the Old Country and somewhere, someone is working on it. Have faith in Lonnie.

  3. I’m glad for Fappy. If they let Paul “Pee Wee” Herman-Reubens get away with it then Fappy and his man in the suit should both be set free as well.

  4. Good on Jan Brewer for manning up and doing something about this. Far too often our government turns their backs on Great American Heroes like Fappy.

    Praise.

  5. You kids really need to stop trolling on the interwebs and do somethings better with your time and your lives. Maybe by then people will stop getting so pissed at ya.

  6. This is such great news. Fappy is a hero to my son, having traveled to see him many times and having been personally invited into his home on no less than six occasions. That kind of out reach to children to prevent masturbation is priceless. Praise!

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