Politics

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Receives Full Pardon By AZ Gov. Jan Brewer

Jan Brewer pardons Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin AKA Paul Horner

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer seen here making the pardon for Paul Horner AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin official / Photo courtesy of PhotosByJoseMunoz.com

Phoenix, AZ — Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced her controversial decision today granting a full pardon to 35-year-old Phoenix resident Paul Horner, known to his thousands of followers as Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin. Horner made world news last month after his ironic arrest for public masturbation.

“I did a lot of soul searching before making this decision,” Brewer told CNN. “We all make mistakes in life. When it comes down to it, we must ask ourselves, would a person like Mr. Horner be better for society locked up behind bars or outside helping the children of this great country learn about the dangers of masturbation? I think the question answers itself.”

Horner, who was arrested last month outside Metta Yoga in Phoenix after employees notified police about a man with no pants on peering through office windows, said he is thrilled with the governor’s decision. “This makes Fappy® very happy,” Horner told reporters. “To be honest I would have been fine either way, in jail, out of jail, it doesn’t matter; my message always stays the same. The prisons in Arizona are just a hotbed of self-rape, that I had planned to fix. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do this the next time I get arrested.” Horner continued, “Thank you Jan Brewer, you are now a member of team Fappy® and we’re glad to have you!”

Lonnie Childs who is president and founder of Stop Masturbation Now spoke with reporters about the future of the organization after this recent setback. “Thanks to your tax dollars, Fappy® has helped tens of thousands of adults and children learn about living a masturbation-free lifestyle. During all his years of visiting schools around the world, Fappy® has collected thousands of signatures from children promising never to masturbate; he has done great things,” Childs said. “It’s a shame how the media had portrayed Fappy® after the arrest. Paul Horner is a great man. He is passionate about his work, he loves being Fappy®, he loves the kids. They even have a nickname for him, they call him the tickle monster. That all could have been ruined by some trumped-up charges by the Phoenix five-oh. Arizonans are lucky to have such a fine governor like Brewer, one who steps in like that to help those who are really in need. She’s a magical woman and loves everyone, of course except the blacks, Mexicans and the gays. Praise Jan Brewer! Praise Fappy®!”

Many governors are reluctant to grant pardons. The reason, according to analysts, is mostly political. Statistically, if you are convicted of a felony in Arizona, you are more likely to be struck by lightning than granted clemency by the governor. Excluding the cases of inmates nearing the end of a terminal illness, Brewer is on track to grant the fewest clemency cases in more than two decades — even when a judge and unanimous board recommend a shorter sentence. What made the governor have a change of heart with Fappy®, one may never know.

Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin and Stop Masturbation Now are federally funded programs designed to teach both children and adults about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. For more information or if you would like the group to visit your child’s school call (785) 273-0325.

###

avatar
30 Comment threads
6 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
11 Comment authors
Danmarks online apotekLetsStartARaceWarTywin LannisterPastyTywin Lannister Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
WackItTwice
Guest
WackItTwice

This website is fucking hilarious I love it. I’m just wondering if all these people are actually real or not…

FappingForGood
Guest
FappingForGood

I hope nobody believes the shit on this website.

LetsStartARaceWar
Guest
LetsStartARaceWar

we are real. however, i dont get how this is funny its a very serious news article

MasturbationisSIN
Guest
MasturbationisSIN

haha I don’t think so, you automatically receive 32 down-votes every time you post a comment. If they are real they are fucking retarded.

Bono Reznor
Guest
Bono Reznor

The “pray against” down voting is a bug with the system. It has been reported to the vendor in the Old Country and somewhere, someone is working on it. Have faith in Lonnie.

Tywin Lannister
Guest
Tywin Lannister

I named by semen ‘Faith’.
You were saying, have faith in lonnie?

FapFapFap
Guest
FapFapFap

Fappy the dolphin fapped me off.

FappingForGood
Guest
FappingForGood

Paul Boner masturbated to a video of Fappy masturbating whilst writing this article.

augustweisz
Admin

Kids love Fappy. I wish he could touch all the kids on the world.

Tom Downey
Guest

Fappy touched me often as a youth, those are some of my fondest memories from my childhood

Tywin Lannister
Guest
Tywin Lannister

Then you better call the social services.
You sir, have been molested.

Bono Reznor
Guest
Bono Reznor

I’m glad for Fappy. If they let Paul “Pee Wee” Herman-Reubens get away with it then Fappy and his man in the suit should both be set free as well.

Cathy Redmond
Member

Good on Jan Brewer for manning up and doing something about this. Far too often our government turns their backs on Great American Heroes like Fappy.

Praise.

Darkblitzfrenzy
Guest
Darkblitzfrenzy

You kids really need to stop trolling on the interwebs and do somethings better with your time and your lives. Maybe by then people will stop getting so pissed at ya.

Pasty
Guest
Pasty

This is such great news. Fappy is a hero to my son, having traveled to see him many times and having been personally invited into his home on no less than six occasions. That kind of out reach to children to prevent masturbation is priceless. Praise!

Tywin Lannister
Guest
Tywin Lannister

Isn’t ‘Fappy’ a bird?

trackback

china wholesale

See top quality advice on importing from china currently available plus at the best price today!

trackback

article source

Find the best Metal Buildings that’s available plus on sale today!

trackback

china contract manufacturers

Get professional importing from china faq that are now in stock plus at great prices today!

trackback

china outsourcing

Find top quality china sourcing that are now in stock and on sale today!

trackback

best quality quartz clock movements

See the best new clock kit parts that are now in stock plus on sale you can get now!

trackback

additional reading

Find here the top available Dumonds kitchen island currently now in stock and currently on sale you can get now!

trackback

click here!

See top School bell system that are available and currently available today!

trackback

steel building contractors

Click here for professional design build contractors that’s in stock plus reasonably priced now!

trackback

Handcrafted Furniture

Find here the best new reclaimed wood furniture currently available in addition at great prices you can get now!

trackback

clock parts suppliers

See the best available clock motors currently available plus on sale you can get now!

trackback

fire pit tray

Find top Warming trends fire pits currently available and reasonably priced today!

trackback

Montana Firepits

Find top replacement logs for gas fire pit that are in stock plus on sale today!

trackback

organic therapeutic grade essential oils

Find here professional See More Today that are available now and currently available. Get it now!

trackback

organic essential oils kit

See top essential oil organic that are available plus on sale. Get it now!

trackback

organic essential oils near me

Get top organic aromatherapy oils that are available now in addition currently available. Get it now!

trackback

Aroma Sense

Get professional See More that are available and at the best price. Get it now!

trackback

clock parts for crafts

Find here the best available clock mechanism kit that’s in stock and currently on sale you can get now!

trackback

business development consulting services

See the best option for best online marketing companies in Omaha currently in stock and at the best price you can get now!

trackback

business development services providers

Find here the top new advertising agency Omaha Ne currently in stock in addition currently on sale you can get now!

Danmarks online apotek
Guest

Norge apoteket, http://www.commobgyn.com/apotek/andep , kjøpe kjøp.