Firefighters Battle Self Rape in Addition to Fire

By: Cassidy Pen

TEXAS – Firefighters are discovering that they must battle masturbating self rapists as well as dangerous brush fires.

These heroes deserve more.

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Cassidy Pen
About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
Contact: Website

9 Comments on Firefighters Battle Self Rape in Addition to Fire

  1. Masturbation is a temptation of the devil and needs to be taken care of with force! Just like homosexuality.

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  2. LMAO This is the best, most entertaining website I've ever seen. I can only imagine the laughs the authors are getting at the expense of people like "stopwankingfaggots"

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  3. Mkay, pray here. Dear god, I don't need help to stop being gay and I certainly don't need help with masturbation. Oh wait... I don't have a problem. Never mind. I hear there's people starving in the world for no good reason at all. And bored Christians who need to take a sewing class or something for all that misdirected self loathing. They need help more than I do. Thanks for creating heavy metal.

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  4. Its funny how they keep saying people who masturbate are "self-rapists" even though the definition of rape is "the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." and since you can not force yourself to do something because of this glorious thing called free will it is impossible to self-rape

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  5. My wanking spanners and I are at peace. I tune myself into god by ripping a lid and crying tears of joy out my dickhole every morning, noon and night. It makes me feel closer to Jesus as I pray with the same hands that I touch my love muscle with. He even speaks to me after I get a shot off, he says, “Nice one son, you’ve sure got some creamy love to spread around, keep up the good work champ.” I feel blessed that he visits me. I masturbate more than anybody I know. I even did it a church service once so god would know I cover all bases and need to show ‘my love’ for him everywhere I go. I tried to spread my love on the bus once but I was arrested and charged for breaking public nudity laws. Jesus came to me in the cell by sending a six foot six black man to spread some joy in me, that hurt a little but I felt really close to Jesus that night.

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  6. this has to be the most fucked up and morally incorrect site I have ever seen. these people sitting on their high horses when their precious churches could be saving millions with their "collection "and "donations "but instead let the poor starve and the helpless suffer so good work on being holy and religious when all you do is fuck the rest of the world over with you narrow minded outlooks and rape children and steal from those who trust you only to waste their good intention. god may exist but if he could see the ignorance and how he would be perceived he'd kill us all and start again. go preach your filth elsewhere you god damn sickos and leave your children alone.

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