WASHINGTON, D.C. — (SMNNN) President Barack Obama is under fire from his liberal base after taking time out of his busy schedule to entertain an anti-masturbation bill being proposed by a cadre of conservative politicians. It is noteworthy that the President is making himself available at this time with the escalating violence in both the Israel/Palestine and Russia/Ukraine conflicts.
The bill being proposed is a new federal tax on industries that help support Big Masturbation. If passed, the bill’s costs would trickle down into higher prices for the average masturbating consumer. Producers of lubricants, lotions and other personal care products, along with the entire pornography industry, are expected to be the hardest hit. The conservative group that is drafting the bill features such anti-self-rape advocates as Richard Mourdock (Indiana State Treasurer), John Koster (Snohomish County Ombudsman) and former Illinois Representative and current talk show host, Joe Walsh.
Being hailed as one of the “first responsible things this President has done” by columnist Edward Kelly of examiner.com, this bill seeks to inject sorely needed income into a government that has been decimated by six years of the Obama administration’s sluggish national economy. “This bill is important because not only will it bring in needed funds, but it’s a step in the right direction towards the eventual outlawing of masturbation,” Kelly said in a recent column. The exact taxation increase has not been made public but various Washington insiders speculate that it will be substantial.
Obama was criticized by current Secretary of State, John Kerry for “not keeping his eye on the ball” in a prepared statement issued by his office. The statement also added, “With growing unrest in the Middle East and in the Ukraine, we at the State Department do not support any time being taken out to address anti-masturbation legislation.” The White House has issued no response to the salvo from the State Department and is keeping a tight lid on any information related to Obama’s planned meeting with the supporters of the bill.
Anti-Masturbation backers have been stunned by the typically pro-masturbation Obama even considering a meeting with the proponents of this bill. “Secretary Kerry’s statement falls in lockstep with what we’ve come to expect from politicians that have had their campaigns funded by Big Masturbation dollars,” said conservative writer Ronald Hall on his Facebook timeline. “It is still a long way until we achieve masturbation prohibition and this does little to fix the damage Obama has done to this great nation over the past six years. However, if this is a sign that Obama is starting to shake the Big Masturbation special interest’s stranglehold on the U.S. Government then I take this as an optimistic sign.”