HUNTSVILLE, Ala. (WHNT) – Sarah Palin, arguably one of the most well-known women in the Republican Party in the last several years, horrified members of the Republican Party and supporters of her presidential campaign by walking on to the stage in full “O” face.
Dr. David Copeland, Madison County Superintendent, confirmed that her face was indeed frozen – and various attempts before the appearance were made to try and flex her face back into position. Ultimately, all efforts were met with failure.
The offices of Palin failed to respond to our inquiries, but John Forsyth, director of the Conservative Tea Party for Restoration of American Rights, stated that “It’s unfortunate, but everyone knows that, if you masturbate and do it too much, your face will stick like that. Didn’t she listen to her Mother when she was a kid?”
Immediately following the event, Palin was rushed to the nearest hospital, where surgery will be performed to attempt to flex her face back into an acceptable expression. Dr. Nancy Williamson, head of staff at St John’s Center for Medical Emergencies, will be performing the surgery. “I’ve performed several of these procedures over the years, and I can assure Mrs. Palin and all of her supporters that we will make every effort to return her face to normal. This type of procedure has about a 46% chance of failure – but Palin is fortunate to have the best staff in the country working on her disgusting, sinful face – and I feel confident that we can at least get her mouth to open and close again. In the past, we have been able to get the mouth open wide enough for a small hot dog to fit through.”
“O” Face disease is becoming increasingly common among teenagers and the widowed, and a concern for many Americans as we continue to learn more about the dangers of masturbation.
Palin is a former vice presidential candidate, the first Republican woman to get the party’s nomination. She ran on the Republican ticket with Sen. John McCain in 2008. She also served as governor of Alaska from 2006-2009. She currently works as a political commentator and endorses various Republican candidates for state and federal office. Palin recently announced her intentions to run as candidate for the Republican Party in the next presidential race.