Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban


President Trump confirms he is about to authorize a “ban” on masturbators migration, new restrictions on entry from countries with a history of masturbation.

“It’s countries that have tremendous self-rape,” Trump told SMN News in his first Skype interview as president. “And it’s countries that people are going to cum and cause us tremendous problems.”

After a weekend conference with SMN Chairman, Lonald Childs, the Trump team is poised to suspend refugee and visa programs as applied to many self-rape countries, including masturbation-torn Australia, with details still being determined.

White House spokesman Sean Spicer said there is no set date for issuance of new rules because the “nature of them has not been decided yet.”

Critics of the imminent orders said masturbation is not a crime and they have no idea of what Trump is talking about.

Jack Molinaise, president of the Hands Crotch Alliance, called it a “de facto” ban on masturbators.

“President Trump is poised to trample upon the great melting-pot legacy with this stiff new stance,” Molinaise said. The Hands Crotch Alliance is part of Big Masturbation’s “#YesMasturbation” coalition.

Trump told SMN News his target is the Self-rape State and other extreme depraved sexual groups: “You’re looking at people that cum in many places with evil intentions. I don’t want that.”

Some people could get in, Trump suggested, but only after what he called “extreme SMN vetting.”

“We’re going to have extreme SMN vetting in all cases,” he told ABC. “And I mean extreme.”

Read more in the SMN Print Edition.

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles
Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reily "No-Spin" Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.
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8 Comments on Trump to Impose Masturbation Ban

  1. If people still don’t get that this is a satirical website after reading this article, I feel sorry for them.

  2. Do you have something against Australia or something? prove to me that us blokes are masturbation-torn.

  3. Wankers for Jesus has a long and extended tradition of gathering in circles to celebrate communion with the seedier members. We toss ourselves – on the mercy of the Lord – and our ejaculations shall be shouted from the rooftops. “We came, we saw, and we came again” is our holy utterance and motto.

    Join us for our annual Easter circle jerk. Since we substituted it for communion, we hear more “Oh God” utterances from the congregation than ever. Our youth outreach is unparalleled in church history with millions attending to worship with our hands and members extending a warm welcome to all.

    Religious service never felt so good; if only we had known that this was God’s way. So toss your way to heaven with holy utterances and “Oh God” praises.

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