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Declare your Independence from The Sin of Masturbation

By: TheRev Leroy Jenkins

Miami, FL. In 2004 most people had given up on Fanny Diddle, homeless, destitute, addicted to pot-weed injections, doing bong hits of ellis dee, listening to Nickelback, and self raping for Snow Mexican Tourist on South Beach. She was a lost cause and written off by society.

She was barely 3 years out of Spiro Agnew High School in Fort Wayne, Indiana and her life had become a living hell. In 2001 she was a wide eyed innocent freshman attending classes at Wellesley College and was out to leave her mark upon the world. That is until that fateful day that she took her first Women’s Studies Class, pretty soon she her young mind fell victim to the baseless rhetoric of women’s equality, the patriarchy society, and the myth of the female orgasm even if there are tons of examples of women having earth-shattering orgasms at websites similar to porn7.xxx.

Encouraged by her Birkenstock wearing, Melissa Etheridge listening, false rape culture screaming feminist sisters to try masturbation. At first she didn’t feel anything but shame, guilt, and fear. But her feminist sisters kept encouraging her and insisting that she needs to own her orgasm, but it was fruitless, she felt nothing. Her pursuit of the mythical female orgasm lead her to try injecting the pot weed to enhance the experience, but alas she felt nothing in her genitals and was tweaking for her next injection.

Soon her grades suffered, she was skipping classes to chase her next tweaking high, masturbating with rubber dinguses dozens of times a day, and listening to Nickelback on her Samsung iPod. Then it hit, she was speeding and in full tweak mode, her mind running a million miles an hour, she found herself protesting the local Kwikee Mart for promoting the rape culture by selling Biggie Size Slurpees. She was out of control, she had rubber dinguses in every orifice, quit shaving her legs, and hadn’t slept for days, one of her feminist sisters gave her a bong hit of ellis dee to bring her down. Finally she could relax, she felt fine and at peace with the world, and she believed that finally this new drug will help her masturbations lead to the female orgasms. She dropped out of school

Fanny now found herself homeless, she turned her back on her Normal Christian Family, she used up all of her friends in her pursuit of the female orgasm and was masturbating for truck drivers in exchange for a ride to South Beach Miami. By the time she arrived she was barely that same wide eyed freshman out to leave her mark upon the world. She quit shaving her armpits, she was addicted to tweaking on the pot weed and mellowing out on the ellis dee bong, she spent her days on the streets holding a hand made cardboard sign saying “Will jibber or food” It was an endless cycle of Snow Mexican Tourist taking their picture with the Masturbating American Feminist and chasing that next high. Her life was useless.

On July 4th, 2004 Fanny almost died from a pot weed overdose, Lonnie Childs found her limp lifeless body under a bush at Arby’s, he lady parts were bruised and swollen, the track marks on her arms were infect from sharing pot weed needles with homeless Mexicans, and she wished for death. It was a sight that Lonnie had seen hundreds of times in his life, he took her into his van, laid hands upon her, and forcefully injected his firm holy shaft of salvation into every empty void in her soul, he filled those voids with the warm sticky goodness of the truth, Masturbation is the root of all evil, and when Fanny awoke she was filled with his Holy Spirit oozing out of her. She new what she had to do.

Fanny now filled with new hope and her new found salvation went to the nearest Miami Metro Subway station and laid her arms across the track and waited. She knew that she must take this drastic step if she was going to declare this her independence day from Masturbation. The subway came and she screamed in holy ecstasy as she was released from her sins forever.

Today is her 10 year anniversary of her personal independence day. She is now happily married to a youth minister, she is raising 3 healthy normal white children, and finds true happiness in being a happy homemaker for her family. She realizes that feminism, the female orgasm, Nickelback, the pot-weed injections, and the ellis dee bong hits are just tools of Satan and the liberals to enslave women and to steal their souls. Her case is sad, the steps she took were drastic, but in the war against Masturbation, there must be casualties.

Let this 4th of July be your personal independence day from the sin of Self-Rape.

God Bless The USA,

TheRev Leroy Jenkins

TheRev Leory Jenkins is a Sr. Staff Writer for BLUFF Press, LLC.

785-274-0325 or TheRev@bluff.us.edu

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PastyTrufflePenistoucher6969SuryaJP Vanir Recent comment authors
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John Bankson
Guest

kek

Santa
Guest

I masturbate 3-6 times a day (my record is 13) yall are some wackjob fucks… and yall are probably liberals

Julian Taylor
Member

You masturbate up to thirteen times a day and we are the wackjobs?

How do you even have any penis left, it must be worn to a nub?

Leonard Chimball, Jr.
Member

You have a serious problem. You need to go to MASTURBATORS ANONYMOUS

Liam McKey
Guest

If you are doing it 13 times a day, you are obviously doing it wrong for the first 12 times. The only thing worse than masturbation is faulty-masturbation

Nikita Shalavin
Member

It’s articles like these that make me proud to be an American. From Russia. Praise.

Jasper turwilliger
Guest
Jasper turwilliger

Hahaha you all are fucking morons! What is this rubbish I just read?!

Leonard Chimball, Jr.
Member

Masturbators are the real morons. Hopefully that doesn’t include you

Matthew Watson
Guest
Matthew Watson

What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

For realsies though, this entire page might have literally given me cancer.

Matthew Watson
Guest
Matthew Watson

P.S. Leeeeeeerrrrrooooooyyyyyyy Jeeeennnnnkkkkiiinnnsssss..

…could not resist that.

L
Guest
L

As easy as making a google images search to find the real story. What is a sin is to use real dramas to build some kind of stupid ideology. But hey, I one believes this kind of stuff deserves to be fooled.

http://archive.today/TfNfJ

jizz
Guest
jizz

of course this bitch in the picture doesnt masturbate, has no fucking arms to rub one out… what a sad life for her. someone please give her a hand!

Milton Grits
Member

You need to respect this woman and watch your language on this family net page site

Stupid fucking article of lies
Guest

You need to learn when some one is feeding you bull shit….. Did u see where it said a pot weed overdose. With track marks ?!?!?!?! Wtf this is a bull shit article and u r brain washed. Do research haha . Ill pray for your crazy ass

videonerd
Guest
videonerd

It’s obviously a fake article. That’s Jenna no arms. She was born with no arms.

videonerd
Guest
videonerd

I was wrong Tisha unarmed. She was born with no arms.

TheLazerPointer
Guest
TheLazerPointer

What the fuck did I just read? “Pot-weed”? “Ellis De”? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me… This story is so neck deep in bullshit…

Excuse me while I go achieve, the very real, female orgasim.

Janelle Rogers
Guest
Janelle Rogers

I hope the young woman in this image sues you for using her image for propaganda. It’s idiots like you who use the Christian religion to enslave women and children who are euining this nation. you bring nothing to the table but lies. You are disgusting.

Thumbelina
Guest
Thumbelina

” forcefully injected his firm holy shaft of salvation into every empty void”
This is a man’s rape fantasy and never actually happened. This is the shit this guy masterbates to.

this site is crazy
Guest
this site is crazy

What the fucke is ellis dee bong hits??? I want to try that shit out—-this dude got a PHD in cuckoo…..

this site is crazy
Guest
this site is crazy

As well-i love when I immediatly post-there are 41 pray againsts already

Anon.
Guest

Uh I really hope this is a joke.. this girl is Youtube famous She was born without arm she didn’t let a train run other them. Anyone who believes that is really blind to the fat the it would kill her Don’t believe any of this Crap you read . Find out the facts before you believe what people say. And shame on you for making something o horrible up about someone who has been through so much in life and makes the best out of it.
http://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

Donna
Guest
Donna

Gosh! This is the funniest thing I have ever read! This is way better than “The Onion”. And all the comments that followed… geezz I can’t stop laughing… LMFAO!

Rev Leroys Meat Stick
Guest
Rev Leroys Meat Stick

Give me 41 pray againsts, if u do, Leroy is a bottom and gives the stranger while recieving his sacramentental nutt

JP Vanir
Guest
JP Vanir

I can masturbate with out my hands, not to mention my feet and they feel nice LMAO

Surya
Guest

This is the nastiest piece of dog shit I’ve read in quite a while.. Propaganda at its best and nothing else. You’d need your minds to be checked at an asylum sickos!

Truffle
Member

You can read dog shit? Is that like reading tea leaves? Silly masturbator.

Penistoucher6969
Guest
Penistoucher6969

“addicted to pot-weed injections, doing bong hits of ellis dee”

uh, wtf

Pasty
Guest
Pasty

Matthew 5:30. Sermon on the Mount:

“And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.”