A New Species Of Human By 2050? Here’s The Faith Science…

New Species - The Masturbator

“We will see a new species of human, or sub-human rather, by 2050 if things progress at current rates.” That’s a pretty shocking claim from Faith Scientist Dr. Ian Norton, but Dr. Norton backs up this claim with decades of evidence he and other faith researchers have compiled to prove masturbation is changing humanity at its core.  Norton’s research claims that the life span of the normal, non-masturbating male will increase significantly over the next 35 years, while the life span of humans of either gender (race non-specific) will see dramatic drops in the same time frame. Dr. Norton also cites the brain function of the non-masturbating male to increase significantly as it will be able to rely more on technology to handle more automatic tasks, leaving the brain to worry about such important topics as religion, American politics, American global expansion and other similar topics that will cause mankind to flourish. “The masturbator’s brain function will continue to shrink to even lower levels that it currently resides at. We jokingly refer to masturbators as ‘brainless zombies’ now, but in just a few decades that might be the actual case,” added Dr. Norton.

Faith Graph
note – the average non-masturbator has a constant brain function level of 100

Dr. Norton’s team speculates by the time the 2040s arrive the average masturbator will have “devolved to a similar state as the comical ‘caveman’ character portrayed in children’s cartoons”. Dr. Norton’s research assistant, Betty Woods, cleared to speak to us by Dr. Norton, added, “the men will not be attractive at all. We anticipate nearly 100% of their life will revolve around masturbating. They will no longer take even cursory steps to groom themselves and will have long unkempt beards and greasy, tangled hair. Their only attempts at procreation will be with the equally grotesque female masturbators of this new sub-human species. Thankfully, our research expects the average male masturbator to be nearly sterile from the constant spilling of semen and thus this species is not expected to survive to see the 22nd century.”

Expectations are that by 2050, the masturbator sub-species will be entirely brain-dead and just react to stimuli around them. Once they have devolved to that state it, “will not be long before this sub-human species is eradicated from the Earth,” according to Dr. Norton.

Predicting the downfall of a large chunk of the human race by way of a species division is not new. Faith author, Michael Day, wrote a very similar postulation back in the late 1960s called “The Masturbator” that paints a similar picture to what Dr. Norton and his team has found.


About Cathy Redmond 109 Articles
Cathy Redmond is a graduate of University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, earning degrees in English and Political Science. She likes long walks in the desert, strong Conservative leadership and America.

9 Comments on A New Species Of Human By 2050? Here’s The Faith Science…

  1. There’s no reason to wait until 2050. Let’s pack these unsavory types into trains and move them to Masturbation Camps, where they will be forced to take Golden Showers of Truth and Wisdom.

    This will give us a chance to build up our military and invade Canada by 2039. Hail Lonnie!

  2. Wow. Mr. Shalavin takes a pretty proactive approach to this problem. I suppose if the funding could be arranged then perhaps making this a “crusade” for lack of a better term would be okay. However, the eaiser thing to do seems to be to just sit back and let them destroy themselves.

  3. Pleased to meet you Hope you guessed my name, But what’s puzzling you Is the nature of my game Please allow me to introduce myself I’m a man of wealth and taste I’ve been around for a long, long year Stole many a man’s soul to waste And I was ’round when Jesus Christ Had his moment of doubt and pain Made damn sure that Pilate Washed his hands and sealed his fate I stuck around St. Petersburg When I saw it was a time for a change Killed the czar and his ministers Anastasia screamed in vain I rode a tank Held a general’s rank When the blitzkrieg raged And the bodies stank I watched with glee While your kings and queens Fought for ten decades For the gods they made
    I shouted out, who killed the Kennedys? When after all It was you and me Let me please introduce myself I’m a man of wealth and taste And I laid traps for troubadours Who get killed before they reached Bombay Just as every cop is a criminal And all the sinners saints As heads is tails Just call me Lucifer ‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint So if you meet me Have some courtesy Have some sympathy, and some taste Use all your well-learned politesse Or I’ll lay your soul to waste. Pleased to meet you hope you guy my name.

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