Science

Blood of Lonnie Childs Possible Virus Antidote

Faith scientists are hard at work analyzing the blood of our fearless leader, Lonnie Childs, in a bid to curb all known viruses in the world. The idea came to Brother Eli after he watched an undisclosed episode of a vintage TV show where “the hero’s blood was used as an antidote for a deadly poison”.

Brother Eli immediately burst out of his containment bed and contacted the main campus of BLUFF via teletype machine.

Considering, like North Korea, no Lonnie Childs Approved® campound has had a single positive test for the dreaded Sars 2 Coronavirus – Brother Eli thought that perhaps the “blood of Lonnie Childs will be the antidote to all disease and death in the world”.

If faith science determines the Blood of Childs to be the panacea we’ve been looking for, expect the Marketing Division of Stop Masturbation Now to begin pushing this solution via late night TV advertisements in local markets.

“Of course, Brother Lonnie can only make so much blood,” warned Faith Scientist Dr. Goodapple. “So, in the early stages only those cases where all other options, including prayer, have been exhausted will be allowed to drink Brother Lonnie’s blood. Once we’ve been able to build up a steady supply, then we would recommend drinking Brother Lonnie’s blood as part of your normal daily health regimen.”

Barring any surprises during the testing phase, we fully expect that Lonnie Childs Cure-All® will be available for purchase in six pack and twelve pack 8 oz. cans on the Stop Masturbation Now holy netsite in the coming months.

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Karen LockeDavoRichardMonica IsgaeSteve Recent comment authors
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Steve
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Steve

What on earth is this insanity? Do you people actually believe this stuff. Absolutely bewildering.

Monica Isgae
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Monica Isgae

we need to stop masturbation! it ruins your penis hair, and it makes your balls look like honey combs!

Richard
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Richard

If blood is in short supply, perhaps the milk of brother Lonnie’s meat stick would work too?

Davo
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Davo

Instructions not clear. Wound up masturbating with Brother Lonnie’s blood. What a mess.

Karen Locke
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Karen Locke

I can’t wait to receive this vaccine so I can protect myself and my kids! Lonnie has always been so good with science, I’ve bought almost all of his anti-masturbation products for my 2 sons and my ex husband Rick to prevent them from Self-raping! You truly are sent from God, I pray everyone will have access to this medicine