Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

New "Super Strain" Discovered by Scientists

The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow in association with B.L.U.F.F. has confirmed that a new super strain of Ebola is passed to hosts through masturbation. The virus clings to the outer skin palettes and is launched airborne at the moment of masturbatory climactic release, becoming airborne and susceptible to transmission to anyone breathing in the tainted air.

The virus is strengthened by the humid and grimy climates common to the maturbationist’s environment. The virus is transferred to the hands by coughing and in turn, to the genitalia when self rape occurs.

When the subject tenses his or her pelvis in anticipation of masturbatory release, the virus becomes active, as petri dish studies have shown. As the mind and body is overcome by hand-to-shaft, or finger-to-button genitalia strokes, the virus, in insidious fashion, becomes ionically charged by the rush of warmth and blood to the private area. When the climatic pulses of release are spewed airborne after vigiorous self rape, the virus concurrently expands and disburses in the air creating a highly contagious cloud of masturbatory particulate matter that is infected with ebola.

It is suspected that the last outbreak of ebola in Western Africa is the result of the new self-rape super strain.

The scientists at the FfaBT plead with citizens to remain calm and restrain from self rape, especially if experiencing flu-like symptoms. Never diddle your pathetic around small children or cuddly animals. Prayer services for normals infected with the newest ebola super strain can be issued or paticipated with by tuning to channel 4.561-18 of the S.M.N. Prayer App, available for iPhones or Android.

About Cassidy Pen 80 Articles

Cornelius Bartholomew “Cassidy” Pen, a retired US Marine, Actor, and Security Head-Receiver at B.L.U.F.F. Female Intake, now writes for a number of nationally respected news agencies. A winner of the prestigious Bill O’Reily “No-Spin” Award, Cassidy also runs a daytime street ministry to save souls from the sin of self rape. An avid hunter and manufacturer of distilled spirits, Cassidy would probably be found deep in the woods during his free time.

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8 Comments on Ebola Mutation Transmitted via Masturbation

  1. Ebola is transmitted through any bodily fluids, this is how the virus has been since we discovered it, the virus isn’t strengthened through grimy areas a bacteria or fungi would be. Masturbation isn’t self rape it’s consensual pleasure, it is also a healthy activity for your body. The so called super strain is due to genetic mutations that happen as the virus divides, it is changing essentially becoming harder to combat. Why would you say that “the virus is strengthened by the moulds and grimy environment of the common masturbationalist” this makes no sense, most people do masturbate and are quite clean especially in fear of infection and such. Also masturbationalist isnt a word. You people should really use some intelligence or at least do some legitimate research before you write these horribly uninformative articles that are grossly misleading people. I myself am a Christian but I do have a brain.

    • The irony in this comment is incredible 😀 You obviously don’t have a brain because this entire article is deeply satirical. Anyone with only half a brain would have realised this after reading the first sentence. For F@#$ sakes he even mentions the word BLUFF in the first sentence…

  2. Pray for satan you christian bastards and he might save you from ebola…
    Or i might just kill you for the fun of it

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