In the race to end masturbation, medical interventions are nothing new. Since the late 1930s, electroconvulsive therapy has been a mainstay of practitioners who love righteousness and hate sin (Shalavin, 2013). But homogays and masturbators still run rampant, threatening our children and our grandparents. In the 19th-century, the English-speaking world (normals) began routinely circumcising male infants in a well-intentioned, but failed attempt to curb masturbation. They should have known better. After all, the Jews have been practicing circumcision for millennia, and as the Apostle Paul himself tells us, it was a vile band of self-raping Semites who put our Lord to death.
New treatment modalities are needed, and now one is available. Today, I’m blessed to announce to you a powerful new ally in the fight against one’s own genitals: Masturbutrin®. I had the honor, under Brother Lonnie’s holy supervision, of leading the team of FaithScientists who developed Masturbutrin® deep inside of B.L.U.F.F. University’s cavernous underground laboratories.
Masturbutrin® is a masturbation cessation aid – an atypical antimasturbatory in the SSRI (selective self-rape inhibitor) class of drugs. Masturbutrin® has a dual mechanism of action, working both as a pro-depressant and pro-algesic (pain-causing agent). It exhibits a fast-acting and powerful effect on the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and GABA, effectively depleting the brain’s supply of all four in order to induce an overwhelming sense of anxiety, guilt, and worthlessness. As any masturbator should have.
Because this crippling despair and deep sense of shame often proves insufficient depending on the severity of the user’s perversion, Masturbutrin® can induce unpleasant physiological effects, similar to first-generation antimastubatory drugs like Handabuse®. This occurs only after manual contact has been made with the genitalia for longer than 30 seconds (allowing for guided urination practices to continue unhindered). Everyone will react differently to Masturbutrin®’s pro-algesic activity, but the most common symptoms include flushing of the skin, accelerated heart rate, shortness of breath, throbbing headache, visual disturbance, nausea, nerve pain, and muscle pain. Ideally, all symptoms will present rapidly and simultaneously and last for several hours.
As an added benefit, it is virtually impossible to achieve or maintain an erection in the absence of the neurochemicals blocked by Masturbutrin®’s pro-depressant action. While erectile dysfunction (ED) is currently an off-label use of Masturbutrin®, some of our FaithPhysicians prescribe it for recovering masturbators who visit them complaining of continued blood flow to the penile tissues despite deep and abiding self-loathing and sexual repression.
The FDA (Faith and Drug Administration) has extensively tested Masturbutrin® for both sinlessness and edification. In Praise 3 clinical trials, Masturbutrin® used in conjunction with the Holy Spirit was shown to significantly outperform the Holy Spirit and placebo. The words of Dr. Gregory Nazianus, D.C. (Doctor of the Church), the greatest of the Fappadocian Fathers, are as coherent today as they were in the 4th-century: “As the third person of the Trinity and God in bird form, the Holy Spirit is an indispensable resource as we struggle against the sins of the body. While omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, unfortunately, He’s not always enough.” Subjects who used both the Holy Spirit and Masturbutrin® in combination therapy had the best results, significantly reducing or eliminating all self-rape symptoms within three months.
While not yet approved for children under 6, Masturbutrin® can be sprinkled on your child’s favorite breakfast cereal as a food additive without them even knowing what it is. Kind of like the HPV vaccine, except that it won’t cause your unknowing child to fornicate when he or she (but mostly she) is older. The Faith and Drug Adminstration has given Fappy®’s Masturbutrin® Cereal Sprinkles™ a rating of GRAS (Generally Recognized as Sinless).