Faith Scientists: Masturbation causes Tzatziki Virus

How-to-Lovingly-Deal-with-Teenagers-Who-Fake-Sick-to-Stay-Home-from-School(StopMasturbationNOW)—One of this year’s hottest topics has been the dreaded Tzatziki Virus. Pronounced “Zeekah” the virus has received extra attention due to the Olympics being held in the largest Mexican territory of Brazil this year.

A breakthrough has occurred as Faith Scientists discovered this week the origins of the virus. According to faith scientist Norah McCabe who works for the Childs institute “when we looked at blood cells the normal cell has RNA genome genes that encode seven nonstructural proteins and three structural proteins, during masturbation you lose a structural protein. If a mosquito feeds off of you during that time the Tzatziki virus is born and can be transmitted to other people the mosquito feeds off of.”


The CDC has issued an alert for travel to areas where Tzatziki virus is spreading. People are warned to avoid masturbators and people that have possibly been infected of have masturbators in the home should remain quarantined.

In most cases, there are no symptoms. In a few cases, Tzatziki can trigger paralysis (Guillain-Barré Syndrome). In pregnant women, it may cause subsequent birth defects.

When present, symptoms are mild and last less than a week. They include fever, rash, joint pain, and red eyes.

There’s no vaccine or specific treatment. Instead the focus is on relieving symptoms and includes rest, rehydration, and acetaminophen for fever and pain. Aspirin and non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) like ibuprofen should be avoided.

12 Comments on Faith Scientists: Masturbation causes Tzatziki Virus

  1. I saw a mosquito on lonnie at the circle jerk. It was between his legs, so I tried to swat it. I slapped at it, lonnie gave a high pitched squeal and a white milky substance squirted out from the mosquito! Then carlos danger leapt in, pushed me aside and lapped up the milky substance like a cat, and after all that, the mosquito remained in between lonnie’s thighs. It appeared marginally smaller and was twitching like it had epilepsy. Jasper cantaur rushed in and tried to give what I can only describe as some type of cpr to the mosquito, and much to my amazement, the mosquito seemed to respond to Jasper’s mouth to mouth resuscitation. I’ve never seen a mosquito behave in that way. Maybe I’ll bring my magnifying glass to next week’s circle jerk and try and get a closer look at the mosquito that seems to live in between lonnie’s legs…

  2. So if a married couple just had sex they’ll get the virus too? Because in masturbation and sex your body releases the same chemicals. This web’s logic is so broken.

  3. To whom it may concern,
    Hello. As a Catholic who does not belong here, I need help understanding the fundamentals of this damned article. For starters, the geography is all messed up. Brazil is not the largest territory of Mexico; they’re not even in the same continent! The map does not help either, it only shows the Greater Antilles and Venezuela. Second, Tzatziki is not pronounced as “Zeekah”. Zika is pronounced as “Zeekah”. Thirdly, the science is very perplexing. What is an RNA genome gene? I believe “genome” and “gene” are the exact same thing, only put together to make it sound more confusing, and more “scientific”, let alone the structural and non-structural proteins. The Tzatziki virus is not “born”, it is already within the mosquito and ready for transfer. Lastly, if you look at the CDC website, you will not find the sentence “People are warned to avoid masturbators and people that have possibly been infected of have masturbators in the home should remain quarantined.” anywhere on the website. I thank you for your patience and hope that you may make your bluffs more convincing.

  4. Gadzooks! These young whippersnappers and their masturbation! Only time will reveal the horrors and plagues that masturbation will release upon this planet… until then, I’ve got a date with my right hand to deal with!

  5. The salad virus its coming to get your. At least will be tasty. Im still confused but after reading this im pretty sure this is a satirical website.

  6. What I learned from this Article;
    Not to masturbate in my greek salad sauce otherwise I’ll spread a virus when a mosquito sucks my blood.

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