Stop Masturbation Now Ministries led by our spiritual leader Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has been at the forefront of masturbation FaithScience and has made numerous advancements and FaithDiscoveries regarding our knowledge of self-rape. For instance it was our own FaithScientists along with Brother Lonnie’s fervent prayers that discovered that masturbation can give you The Cancer, the good and bad The AIDS and turn otherwise healthy individuals into emosexuals. But thanks to Brother Lonnie’s tireless efforts in conjunction with the taxpayer funded studies through The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow we have now discovered a new and terrifying FaithFact: that masturbation also known by it’s proper name; “self-rape” in fact KILLS.
While Big Masturbation continues to portray masturbation as “hip”, “cool” and “totally boss”, our FaithGraphs have shown that 100% of self-rapists can die at any given moment usually between the ages of 80-100. In contrast only 20% of non-masturbaters die. While we haven’t pinpointed the exact cause of death Brother Lonnie theorizes it is due to chronic dehydration after years of excreting bodily fluids. Rest assured SMN faithful we have applied for another tax payer funded grant and will be getting to the bottom of this latest FaithDiscovery as well as Brother Lonnie is now taking his fourth online college course to further his world renowned knowledge of FaithScience. Will this finally be the FaithFact that forces self-rapists to confront their life choices? Will they finally allow their sins to be washed away by Brother Lonnie’s golden showers of forgiveness and take the Stop Masturbation Now pledge? Sadly Big Masturbation, Obama and the LIEberal media still have a stranglehold on the public’s attention but we are slowly chipping away one FaithFact at a time. Until then we will persevere and spread Brother Lonnie’s beautiful message of God’s unconditional love for some and a fiery Hell for most.