FaithScientists Discover Masturbation KILLS – FaithFact #532

Sadly this tragedy plays out every day.

Stop Masturbation Now Ministries led by our spiritual leader Brother Lonald “Lonnie” Childs has been at the forefront of masturbation FaithScience and has made numerous advancements and FaithDiscoveries regarding our knowledge of self-rape. For instance it was our own FaithScientists along with Brother Lonnie’s fervent prayers that discovered that masturbation can give you The Cancer, the good and bad The AIDS and turn otherwise healthy individuals into emosexuals. But thanks to Brother Lonnie’s tireless efforts in conjunction with the taxpayer funded studies through The Foundation For a Better Tomorrow we have now discovered a new and terrifying FaithFact: that masturbation also known by it’s proper name; “self-rape” in fact KILLS.

Indisputable proof that 100% of masturbaters die.
Indisputable proof that 100% of masturbaters die.

While Big Masturbation continues to portray masturbation as “hip”, “cool” and “totally boss”, our FaithGraphs have shown that 100% of self-rapists can die at any given moment usually between the ages of 80-100.  In contrast only 20% of non-masturbaters die.  While we haven’t pinpointed the exact cause of death Brother Lonnie theorizes it is due to chronic dehydration after years of excreting bodily fluids. Rest assured SMN faithful we have applied for another tax payer funded grant and will be getting to the bottom of this latest FaithDiscovery as well as Brother Lonnie is now taking his fourth online college course to further his world renowned knowledge of FaithScience. Will this finally be the FaithFact that forces self-rapists to confront their life choices?  Will they finally allow their sins to be washed away by Brother Lonnie’s golden showers of forgiveness and take the Stop Masturbation Now pledge?  Sadly Big Masturbation, Obama and the LIEberal media still have a stranglehold on the public’s attention but we are slowly chipping away one FaithFact at a time. Until then we will persevere and spread Brother Lonnie’s beautiful message of God’s unconditional love for some and a fiery Hell for most.


About Carlos Danger 18 Articles
Staunch anti-masturbation Christian soldier and former lifelong Echo & the Bunnymen fan until I learned the dangers of secular music. Brother Lonnie saved me from a life of homoerotic servitude in which I was paid with food items from McDonald's value menu. I co-founded Christians Overcoming Carnal Knowledge (or COCK) to help former homogays test their firm commitment to a heterosexual lifestyle. I enjoy Gladiator movies, Top Gun and Christian fellowship with Latino men.

15 Comments on FaithScientists Discover Masturbation KILLS – FaithFact #532

  1. Sooooo, you’re saying that 80% of people who “don’t masturbate” (at least not without telling anyone) are immortal? Of course 100% of people die. Can’t believe our taxes are being spent on this. Just because masturbation is a sin in your religion doesn’t mean you should spend our tax money trying to prove that it kills people.
    Any scientist that says that it’s possible that regular masturbation can kill you through dehydration doesn’t deserve their degree. If you needed more water, your body would prompt you to do so by making you feel thirsty.

    Also, I saw that “anti-masturbation” cross on the internet, and thought it was a sarcastic joke by some atheist, but it turns out this is actually a legit product? Sounds like it would just be a traumatic experience for the child that would cause him/her to be terrified of their parents. (Or create a bondage fetish)

    • Children should be terrified of their parents. They’ll never respect them otherwise. And if my son ever mentions a word “bondage fetish”, I will tear off his arm, and beat him unconscious with it. Praise.

      • Should they be fear them, or be terrified of them? I understand that a fear of your parents is necessary for discipline, but when a child is terrified to the point of psychological damage, that’s unhealthy and child abuse. (Which could totally happen if a parent is not careful in implementing the use of that device)

        • Terrified. Definitely terrified. What do you tell a child with 2 black eyes? Nothing. You already told him twice.

          • Beating your children into submission is not abuse. It’s just common sense. Ever since I broke my son’s 2 arms to teach him a lesson about masturbation, he’s been waking up at night to pray in the closet. It’s a little odd, but a lot better then masturbating or injecting the pot. He’ll thank me one day.

  2. Imagine coming home and finding out your son was in hell because he touched himself. This is why we need family values taught in school immediately.

    • Not everybody believes in your god. Not everybody’s values are the same, which is why we cannot teach family values in schools. Sometimes, it’s as simple as some parents don’t mind if a child doesn’t eat with the family, while others demand that they eat together. Other times, it’s something as opposite as one family is devout Christian, while the other is comprised of atheists. Because of these differences, you cannot indoctrinate children at school.

  3. Don’t feel bad. It takes a while to gather enough tell tale clues to be sure. But then you see little details that nobody is stupid enough to believe. But we all fall for a bit at first.

Comments are closed.