Masturbation Causes Increase in Yellowstone Caldera Volcanic Activity

Normals should begin loading up their disaster shelters.

The Hell-Pools are clear evidence his place means business!


The Yellowstone super volcano is due for the largest eruption ever seen in the 8,000 year history of the Earth, and masturbation is definitely the causes, say leading Faithvolcanologists.

MSFR particles in the area contibuted to this disaster, or will contribute, rather. As it's gonna happen.
MRFP particles in the area contributed to this disaster, or will contribute, rather. As it’s gonna happen.

Masturbation, long conclusively proven to be causing Global Warmings, is now known to be hydraulically super-heating the Yellowstone magma and turbo-charging it’s hot-spot plume.

Masturbation residue film particles (MRFP) have been proven to insulate the Earth from loss of heat, by clogging and polluting the atmosphere. The MRFP’s heat retaining properties have created a new form of super-heated explosive masturbation fueled kill magma (or kill lava, if it is on the surface), in a similar, as of yet, totally not understood method.

MRFP magnified 200x
MRFP magnified 200x

Though masturbation is surely to blame, Faithscientists cannot rule out the possibility that the Yellowstone super volcano’s eruption could be a compassionate cleansing of humanity brought on by God’s rage at self-rape.

The fact remains that the eruption is surely caused by masturbation, either way you look at it.

MRFP and ashes will cover the place in this yuck-o dirt!
MRFP and ashes will cover the place in this yuck-o dirt!

Normals are urged to begin hoarding and prepping as soon as possible, as the terrible pyroclasm will create a 20 year volcanic winter, making most civilized societal tasks completely impossible.

As you can see, this map is topographical.
As you can see, this map is topographical.
About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

20 Comments on Masturbation Causes Increase in Yellowstone Caldera Volcanic Activity

  1. I fear the days of salvation are at hand. And that hand is a disgusting non normal sticky one at that.


  2. Deacon Kelly I do not understand some of what you say but you are a very smart man and I appreciate your article educating to the dangers of self-rape. I do know that masturbation is evil and pray that the world finds the word of the prophet Lonnie Childs

  3. Also Deacon Kelly can you or someone please call me on the campus rotary telephone line, Lonnie’s bunker needs some cameras installed in the conversion room in the basement and I would like to know where they should be placed

    • Merle, the cameras are for the school bathroom, the monitors go the bunker. Sorry about the confusion.

  4. I pray the Rapture comes soon to rid this glorious flat Earth from sinners and self-rapers.


  5. Ah this article just convinced me that this is a joke site and not a serious one. Ive been wondering ever since I first saw it.

    For all of you who might actually believe that masturbation is actually the cause of anything, I think its equally likely that the cause of the Yellowstone eruption is God sitting in the earth’s core self raping the shit out of himself and the eruption is well his eruption.

    I think its equally as likely and equally as difficult to prove as any of your crazy ideas

    Fun watching you lot thou

  6. ummmm,Rape is forcing a person to have sex against their will. You can’t rape a willing person. Masturbation is not rape, it’s consent.

    • But god does not want that you to masturbate, and god is in each and every one of us … so you’re raping god!!! you will go straight to hell …. and i want everyone to say hallelujah

  7. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read in my life.
    Masturbation is a normal part of anyone’s life and should not be held against it. Maturation is like touching any other part of your body. I think you all have gone mad if you weren’t already. Aye carumba!

  8. So :

    Masturbating is natural, even some animal do that’s
    Masturbating can’t do a natural disaster
    Masturbating can’t do global warming
    Marvel is à proof that Spider-Man is real, Bible is the prof that God is real so.

    Science can’t met religious, we know that in Europe at the middle age. Very Bad Time.

  9. I pray for all the good christian’s who will be affected by the damage these filthy masturbators are causing.

  10. I did a google image search and Masturbation Residue Film Particles are actually volcanic ash. Also what the fuck is a faithvolcanologist

Comments are closed.