Faith Fact Series / Science / World

Masturbation Facts that Will BLOW YOUR MIND!

Ocean Water and Semen

Graphic representation of our planet as laid out during the epic voyages of Brother Lonnie Childs

Graphic representation of our planet as laid out during the epic voyages of Brother Lonnie Childs

Ocean water is salty. Semen is salty. You should never swallow ocean water while swimming. You should never masturbate, NOR should you swallow your own semen after masturbating. Lonnie Childs’ Law of Conservation of Mass states in faith :

“Matter is neither created nor destroyed as such, seminal fluids last forever.”
– Saint Lonnie Childs

This SPERM Whale lives in the ocean. Coincidence? I think not!

This SPERM Whale lives in the ocean. Coincidence? I think not!

When a man masturbates, his ejaculate is procured and then either flushed out to sea or thrown into the trash to be reabsorbed into the earths crust and then leaked into aquifers and groundwater. All of the earths oceans, especially the 5 Mexican Oceans, and unfortunately the Lonvidian Sea, are 90% seminal and 9% precum (+/- 1% of #faithflaw™). Have you noticed that both semen and ocean water are both wet? That, is evidence of an irrefutable #faithfact™.

 

Caves and Vaginas

This unexplored or "virgin" cave was discovered by Brother Doug Pinnick while on expedition through the wilds of Arizona.

This unexplored or “virgin” cave was discovered by Brother Doug Pinnick while on expedition through the wilds of Arizona.

Caves are defined in the King Lonald Holy Unabridged Dictionary as:

“A large underground chamber, typically of sinful origin, in the apex of a hillside or cliff.”
-Saint Lonald Chils, Founder of the Lonnie Childs Private Library

Vaginas are large chambers of sin at the apex of a woman’s thighs. Caves have bats that suck blood, therefore caves are underground bordellos of blood. Vaginas, during their most filthy time of the month are also filled with demonic, Satan calling menstrual blood. Wet, musty, moist, humid, smelly, unclean, spooky. Just a few words that describe vaginas and also describe caves. Have you noticed that geographers always wash their hands after exploring the inside of a cave? Well, so do gynecologists after exploring a woman’s sin cave to check for contamination, viruses, HPV, sickle cell, yeast, and The Bad AIDS.

 

Vienna Sausages and Wieners of Young Boys who Masturbate

This baby doll is a graphic representation of what I believe a wiener of a masturbating child would look like. Don't Masturbate.

This baby doll is a graphic representation of what I believe a wiener of a masturbating child would look like. Don’t Masturbate.

Vienna sausages are short, fat, pink, covered in a gelatinous goo. Vienna sausages are also, like ocean water, salty and have a distinct smell. The weiners of young boys are… well… I don’t really know exactly as I have never been a young masturbating boy. But it has been said under good authority, that those same characteristics can assigned to the small smelly sin stick of a masturbating male child. You would never put a male child’s wiener in your mouth, do not put Vienna Sausages in your mouth either (as they will both produce a feeling of self loathing and cause an increase in blood pressure).

 

Skunks and Pubic Hair

Proof that skunks are ugly and ridiculous just like pubic hair.

Proof that skunks are ugly and ridiculous just like pubic hair.

Both skunks and pubic hairs are fluffy, furry, black and smell atrociously. No one wants to look at a bald skunk, no one wants to look at a bald penis. The smell of a skunk can clear a room. The smell of a vagina (especially during summer) can do the same. Skunk hair makes Willow Smith look ugly. Pubic hair makes Bettie Page look ugly. Skunks are also known as polecats. Strippers rub their pussies on poles. Skunks range in length from 8-19 inches. Penises range in length from 8-19 inches. The oily musk that skunks emit comes from anal glands under their tail. The Reverend Leroy Jenkins has pubic hair around his anus.

 

I hope you all have learned something, and I pray that you will share your newly found knowledge with those you love.

Have a Blessed Day!

 

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Cathy Redmond
Member

Thank you for sharing these important faith facts, Sister Christina.

Praise.

Follower Of Jesus
Guest
Follower Of Jesus

readin this really turns a gal off. ain’t nothin turn me off, not even a power outage the size of texas, my home town. but ain’t nobody tryna tell me that what i been doin been wrong?!!!! ain’t nobody tell me not to do me. y’all thinking the 21th century be about the economy and bean an individual, y’all wrong!!! y’all ,, this year, the year of the lawd,, that be about Him. it be about making Jesus Christ proud. hopin he love them cookies you leave him at the fireplace, hopin you ain’t gotta jack it. y’all, i was… Read more »

Fred
Guest
Fred

I have been very seriously considering castration as a means to remove my desire for a woman. I am 23 years old and a virgin. At first I wanted to wait until marriage to first have sex, but as the older I am getting the less I want that. I am feeling a stronger desire to remain alone. It is almost like I want to be alone but something inside me wants a woman. I do not like this and hatthat desire for a woman.

Truffle
Member

My mind had been blown. Genitalia are discustarding.

Amen!

What the hell
Guest
What the hell

Discustarding? What the hell is that?? You mean disgusting? Learn to spell you ignorant pig

Ben
Guest
Ben

Well, now I’m worried. My penis (the doctor told me, I’d never measure it myself) is 22 inches long. Does that mean I’m not a normal?

Dexter Battygarten iii
Guest

2.2 inches is far from normal. stop playing with it and it may recover.

Ben
Guest
Ben

You should stop masturbating, as it’s affecting your vision. There was no decimal point in the number.

Thomas Kelly
Guest
Thomas Kelly

Praise to you Miss Mciearncock Rubright You are a credit to our unaccredited institution!

Faithfacts(tm) such as these are incontrovertible proof that STOP Masturbation NOW Ministries are right about everything!

Master Masturbator
Guest
Master Masturbator

I enjoy masturbation very much. You cannot stop me. It is natural for all young men and women.

Leonard Chimball, Jr.
Member

I am sorry young lady but masturbation is an addictive disease and a sin and is actually an act of incest. I pray that you find salvation!

Cathy Redmond
Member

So it’s natural for “young men and women”. Well, I disagree. However, it appears that even you would agree, at least after a certain age, that masturbation is most definitely not natural.

brad
Guest
brad

This is a joke right? There is no way that this site if for real. It has to be one of those satire sites like The Onion or The Duffel Blog. There is not one shred of truth to any of that article so it can’t be a real one and if the author truly is writing that as a real piece then dear god what an idiot.

TheRev Leroy Jenkins
Member

Sadly Miss Brad, I do suffer with the curse of the great masturbater Don King, and have massive tuft of 8″ long nappy pubic hair that surroends my unspoiled and never penetrated anus. That is a FaithFact and I cannot deny it, for I must wear it as the mark of my past mastubatory ways. I now bathe in Lonnie’s Golden Shower of Salvation and shall Self-Rape nevermore.

God Bless,
TheRev

Godzilla
Guest
Godzilla

I could have gone without knowing about your hairy ass

Milton Grits
Member

I know what the Onion is but have never heard of the Duffel Bag. We do satirize masturbators here, yes. They are easy to ridicule and deserving of it.

Kat
Guest
Kat

I know right? It absolutely HAS to be a joke. I am a Christian … and I find this absurd, ridiculous, and actually AGAINST God in general. For example “Pray For” & “Pray Against”???? That is blasphemous in and of itself. Honestly – God made us, He gave us our bodies, our sensations, and desires. It should be tempered of course, and respected as well. But to do what this site does is absolutely NOT right. No wonder secularism has gotten such a foothold ~ things like this put Christians in not only a bad light, but make us look… Read more »

BananaArms
Guest
BananaArms

I know, this isn’t the right place to post this, as i’m on neither side of either bad or good, but I’d like everyone to hear me out (no i’m not an internet troll). I would think it IS natural to do such a thing, as at a young age, we “experiment” with our body, but it depends on how we are taught not to do such things. If you do not want your children to jerk off, then simply try to find ways to help them not do that specific action. Jerking off can be stopped as a habit… Read more »

Makahaka
Guest
Makahaka

Holy Fuck. This site is just crazy to read 😀 I’m laughing so hard. This can’t be real. Or?

Ringard Willycat
Guest

I pray for all every day watching Traci Lords
http://peoplez.over-blog.com/

Benderama
Guest
Benderama

Isn’t it a sin to lie? Masturbation is perfectly normal.

TheRev Leroy Jenkins
Member

If it is so normal, then why is it that only Non-Normals masturbate?

Once again: FaithFacts 1, Matsurbaters 0.

God Bless,
TheRev

Paul Rosales
Guest
Paul Rosales

What exactly is a Non-Normal? If there are sooo many Masturbaters (which in fact you misspelled on your score card above) and you are the few, wouldn’t seem to be that being in the minority, (I say this only because the statistics on masturbating folk usually is somewhere in the 80% region with women and always over 98% with men) That you were against the “norm” ? And that only the very minute of the population possibly suffering from some kind disability that limits brain function are actually Non-Normal? Food for thought there, Rev.

User
Guest
User

It is a sin but all of this stuff you are saying makes no sense, I know it’s a sin, but it is because it inhibits your ability to love, because normally when you masterbates to porn, you can look at dozens of women when really you should only focus on one women during sex which is your wife, not all that other nonsense, I’m just letting you guys know

the masturdebatur
Guest
the masturdebatur

That sounds like a 3 yr olds comeback. Rev with all do respect you are mentally challenged if you believe there is truth to any of your stupid “faith facts ” that you made up. I will pray that you find your way again.

Milton Grits
Member

You make some good points but what are you saying makes no sense? We rely on FaithFacts, Brother Lonnie’s guidance and yes, we joke around a bit but have a serious agenda here.

dexterbattygarteniii
Guest

That’s good, im glad you let us now. its always good to hear from a believer, even if they are wavering a little in faith.
Now, what you do is just focus on the “i know, its a Sin” part. keep repeating that over and over, day and night and after a week, get in touch via the “contact us” tab.
Lonnie will be with you! All Praise! 🙂

User
Guest
User

Why do you even have a pray against button, do you know how wrong it is to pray against someone you guys are sick

WhyUdoDis?
Guest
WhyUdoDis?

It’s because they belive in a god who will hate people because they are gay, masturbate, don’t agree with thier morals, etc……

They’re just selfish assholes who think they have the right to change other people’s lives in such a downward way.

Milton Grits
Member

Where do you get the ridiculous idea that we hate people who have the gay? We are against masturbation, which happens to be a homosexual/Onanistic act. You’re just confused and lashing out

Blob
Guest
Blob

We get the idea through statements like ‘have the gay’. Straight people masturbate too so I’m not sure what you’re talking about….

Godzilla
Guest
Godzilla

No one knows what they’re talking about

User
Guest
User

What the heck are non normals?

User
Guest
User

And these aren’t even faith facts, they have nothing to do with your faith, all you are doing in finding stupid ways to link viana sausages and penises, little boys in third grade do that

Milton Grits
Member

You’ve never been to Brother Lonnie’s university. It’s an entire university of FaithFacts ™.

User
Guest
User

And genatalia aren’t discussing, sex is a beautiful thing, a unity between a husband and a wife, why are you soooo afraid of it?

User
Guest
User

And no seminal fluids don’t last forever, they break down and change, note this matter changes, it is not destroyed or created, so it changes into simpler molecules

User
Guest
User

It is not your job to judge who goes to heaven and hell,the bible says that, just love one another, hate the act of masturbation if you want, i don’t care, but don’t hate someone who masturbates, it’s their choice to do so

User
Guest
User

And if you really are serious and want to stop masturbating, search Jason evertt, he gives awesome talkes about love and how to love and how masterbation is a sin, but NOTE HE IS NOT A HATER OF PEOPLE WHO MASTURBATE, just listen to him, he makes some good points

User
Guest
User

This stuff is great. Comments are even better. Dunno who’s serious tho…

SatansBiBitch
Guest

“When a man masturbates, his ejaculate is procured and then either flushed out to sea or thrown into the trash to be reabsorbed into the earths crust and then leaked into aquifers and groundwater.” So as a woman I can masturbate! That’s cool. 🙂

Kelly
Guest
Kelly

So in other words. Hate your body, and be completely illiterate of the female anatomy.

Cassidy Pen
Member

I’m filled with love to the bursting point after reading this.

Praise!

Johnson
Guest
Johnson

8=========D~~~~~

Blackstar
Guest
Blackstar

Omfg im laughing so hard at this site omg the “non child masturbation cross”
Iss all over imstagram and people are making fun of it and omg me and
My friends and making fun of it like if your so christian id stay of the internet
Nerds. You guys are so insane. Now im going to go back to watching my anime and
Laughing at thus site

augustweisz
Admin

We have been blessed with truth and light.

Kat
Guest
Kat

This website should be shut down. It makes Christians look like complete crackpots and backwards imbeciles. No wonder the Left in politics are gaining a foothold. All they need is to hold up things like this to others’ and gain more and more ground. We are losing this country, and and we are losing potential followers of Christ because of blatant misinterpretation of the Gospel, and the true purpose for life. I would like to think that this site is like The Onion, but from many comments, sadly I don’t think it is. When HE returns .. everyone better have… Read more »

Milton Grits
Member

Shut down? We’re doing the Lord’s work, here. It is at times a thankless task especially when it comes to fellow “Christians.” Also, why do you question the power of prayer? And what have you done for faith and family values lately?

User
Guest
User

Dide you have a freaking pray against button, that is just evil

User
Guest
User

Dude*

jesus sucks my dick
Guest
jesus sucks my dick

Its a good to be a mexican, cuz more than half of tehe world is ours, according to this holy website

dexterbattygarteniii
Guest

well it is isn’t it? if only youd use it more properly. 🙂
Strive to be more normal and ultimately all your kin will come to heaven too.
God bless us all according to our racial accomplishments!

Smoke
Guest
Smoke

Following the same logic:
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Therefore, I am a potato.

Flamingos can stand on one leg. I can stand on one leg. Therefore, I am a flamingo.

Ice cream is best served cold. Revenge is best served cold. Therefore, revenge is Ice cream.

Seriously though, this site is so fucking stupid? i thought it was satire but its linked to the WBC…..