Masturbation-Feuled Flaming Gas Crater Intensifies

Business as usual in Turkmenistan

The most well-known thing in Turkmenistan.

Turkmenistan- (SMNNN)

In the backward and primitive sand covered land of Turkmenistan, the Portal To Hell, a large super-natural fire filled hole in the ground, powered by the Earth’s release of natural gas, and God’s rage, has increased by 27% in intensity since last year. Faithscientists place the blame squarely on masturbation.

The Portal To Hell formed in 1971, at the height of the Communist Gayosexual Hippie Masturbation Revolution, wherein global Masturbation Residue Film Particles (MRFP) were at a historical high. The MRFP are believed to have both increased pressure in the lower layers of the Earth, known as “The Hells”, and angered Jesus, and therefore, God as well, creating a fiery hole in the ground.  Those same MRFP are believed to be agitating the Portal To Hell today. Many similar holes in the ground have been proven to be caused by the environmental damage of masturbation, but the Portal to Hell is believed to be the only one that is currently perpetually on fire.

B.L.U.F.F. Faithscientists warn that similar masturbation holes could burst into flames at any moment. Says Dr Skippy Enis, ” Sure, well, one is already on fire. It’s really only a matter of time before the rest are. Y’know, because of masturbators. ”

The Portal To Hell has increased in fire-intensity by 31% , and over 6% in concentrated guilty evil, in the last two years

About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

30 Comments on Masturbation-Feuled Flaming Gas Crater Intensifies

  1. Yet another example of how Communism and the Masturbation-Industrial Complex conspire to rob us of our Lonnie-fearing rights of gun ownership and celibacy. I pray hard that HeadSoviet Vladmir Pukin will sink into this vat of hellfire orgy and SinStick massaging.

  2. I for one, believe in Mr. Putin ability to lead us through this crisis. It’s only a matter of time before he invades Turkmenistan to rid us off Muslamics and the Gays, once and for all.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if he figures out a way to use the fires of Hell as a natural resource and have a sit down with Satan to negotiate the terms of his surrender.

  3. I think you are right and that is the most well known thing in Turkmenistan. That is until the American War Machine finally “officially” acknowledges their forward operating base there.


  4. Hahaha you people are impressively stupid if you believe this bullshit. This is caused by Soviets who went to the region in 1971 because of the promise of fruitful oil fields. When they built an oil rig over this site the ground collapsed and lots of methane gas was being released. Fearing the safety of nearby villages, they set the hole on fire in hopes of burning off the toxic gases and hoped it would burn out in a matter of weeks but to everyones surprise it has burned for over 40 years due to the sheer amount of gases seeping from the ground. Has absolutely not a damn thing to do with masturbation. Look it up, all credible sources say this is how it happened, your “Lonnie” source is not at all credible, easily refutable, and a crazy delusional nutcase at best. You people will believe anything and I cannot believe ignorance like this actually exists. But hey, at least these articles are funny as hell because it is so ridiculous!!!

  5. No, your crazy ass source “Lonnie” is leading you astray with his bullshit, and I dont have to masturbate, my wife and I have amazing sex daily. Nice try though, that was a cute response.

  6. This poor soul has been afflicted by the masterrbation epademic so feercly he feels anger towards his own blindnes and misinformation orcastrated by the masterrbation-industrial group I know I will pray for his poor soul

  7. I accidentally masturbated while reading this article. I hope that didn’t make matters worse. I will go repent now.

  8. Yes, I masturbate regularly and shoot a gushing load of cum all over the cover of the bible. I also like to rape my own asshole with crosses. It makes me feel at one with God.

  9. “Faithscientist” lol…… what is a Faithscientist? a scientist that come ups with a hypothesis based on an observation and then believes to be true without any testing?

  10. I pray that you keep posting on this website cause I really need more to laugh at. God has told the pope of San FranFapio that I need more laughter and that can come from here
    Amen your stupid brains…

  11. Don’t tell me people actually believe this fake ass article. This hole was not created by masturbators, but a methane mine which exploded somewhere around 1964.
    Masturbation in no way can create a great, burning hole like this. And there’s no way that it can make it intensify! I wouldn’t put your trust in those “Faithscientists” if I were you.
    I believe in God and have accepted him as my lord and savior. But this article is just a mockery of him tbh.

    Have a good day ?

  12. Did someone masturbate on something electric and short it out, causing the methane mine to explode? That would be the only exlpanation.

  13. FapFap, I’ve lived a long time and seen many like you. Big talk but no real action. Probably a pencil dick that is married to a rubber blow-up doll. And Really( Capt. Obvious), that is exactly what happened.Do you see an oil rig there? This was once the site of a huge non-normal masturbatorium and a large “catch basin” of semen was up-ended in the climactic finale of an annual masturbation festival and spilled onto a large sex toy recharging unit and caused a short, in turn sparking the methane, which burns to this day. Many lives were lost. Praise.

  14. Hi, I recently felt the forces of Satan Himself gravitating my hand and fingers towards my sinful and untrimmed genitals. The other night satan used my hand strangled the head of my own penis and my genitals became purple. What must i do? I know masturbation is a sin. Am I possessed?



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