Masturbation Linked to Higher Crime Rates

Safford, AZ


Breaking news from the groundbreaking think tank Foundation For a Better Tomorrow. Masturbation has been seen to have a direct causation into incarceration rates and criminal activity. The study was done over a multi-year period, supervised by the best Faith Scientists on the BLUFF campus.


It seems as though FaithFacts have now proved that the act of self-rape is not only incestuous and an act of homosexuality, it is a leading cause of crime in the United States.

Funding was derived out of NIH grant money administered through the HomoGay conversion wing, whose Director Nikita Shalavin has won worldwide acclaim for his Homogay conversion techniques.

“The research was extremely rigorous- we hid cameras in teen felons bedrooms and taped hours of research footage of them masturbating, sleeping, and going about their lives.” Stated a HomoGay Conversion Psychologist who chose to remain anonymous for ethical and scientific purposes. “After hours of self-rape, the teens were observed to leave their room likely in search of a bigger “high”. We then did a regression analysis and cross-referenced crime rates and found that indeed, masturbators cause crime.”

At this time it is not known why, other than the mind of the masturbator is riddled with insanity and masturbation is a gateway drug to further deviant behavior.

Further research is forthcoming on the affects of masturbation on the mind.

About Leonard Chimball, Jr. 5 Articles
Leonard Chimball, Jr., PhD is a licensed Psychologist and works as faculty on the BLUFF Arizona staff. Dr. Chimball divides his time directing the transportation and importing of new students to BLUFF, teaching classes in behavioral FaithFacts, and as a practicing psychotherapist.

6 Comments on Masturbation Linked to Higher Crime Rates

  1. Masturbation leads to lower crime rates.
    When you masturbate, you ejaculate sperms, out millions of sperms ejaculated, almost half of the sperms might grow up to be criminals.
    When you masturbate, you prevent millions of sperms to grow up and become criminals, hence lowering the crime rates.
    Boom, science bitch.

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