Science

Masturbator Caught! Blames Solar Flares!

NEWBERRY PALMS, CA – Earlier today, 15 year old Cindy Saccapelli committed the sin of masturbation at her Catholic place of learning. When first responding school officials questioned her, she claimed the stains on her cheerleader uniform were caused by solar flares.

The cheerleaders of Our Lady of the Blessed Assumption High School were minutes from Coach Bette Nepper’s muster whistle signaling the start of practive when the incident occured. A nearby custodial worker reported rhythmic screams coming from the girls locker room.

young sinner Cindy Saccapelli lied to cover her shame

young sinner Cindy Saccapelli lied to cover her shame


Father Zicke and Sister Ann Marie rushed to the scene to find Miss Saccapelli bottomless, with her panties and cheerleader skirt soiled with female self rape fluids.

Science Teacher Bill Alverez confirms he mentioned the recent solar flare activity in the news to his eighth period sophomore science class, a class attended by Miss Saccapelli.

Also of note was suspicious activity between the subject and her boyfriend, Ryan Slaton, a quarterback on the football team. Witnesses claim Slaton and Saccapelli were passing notes around during class. One witness later came forth and confessed that the two were making out after the dismissal bell sounded, with Slaton heavily petting Saccapelli’s breasts and genital areas under the concealment of after-school hallway commotion.

The boy was at football practice when the sin was discovered. DNA samples of both teenagers have been obtained and brought to the school district lab for analysis. The clothing was brought earlier.

Alverez claims there is “no way solar flares can cause this manner of stain.”

Also, there is no evidence that the girl ever stepped outside wearing her cheerleader uniform.

Father Zicke, asked for privacy after assuring this reporter that there is no doubt in his mind that the girl was “diddling herself” in the locker room.

Both children have been released to parental authority with the promise to seek spiritual help. As of the publication deadline, B.L.U.F.F. has not been contacted.

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Carlos Danger
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They need to register as sex offenders.

The Devil
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The Devil

Tell me, what is wrong about masturbation? I can go against every objection you throw at me with logic and science. Give them all to me.