Chalk up another V for TCM! Traditional Christian medicine has done it again, succeeding where scLIEnce and phallopathic medicine have failed. This past week, what is arguably the biggest FaithFind in centuries was announced while the LIEberal media and ungodly practitioners the world over could only bite their lips and hang their heads in shame.
FaithHistorians and FaithScientists at B.L.U.F.F., in an unusual collaboration, have discovered a medieval home remedy for the antibiotic-resistant superbug MRSA in a 1,615-year-old manuscript. MRSA, or Masturcillin-resistant Staphilocockus aurelius, has been called:
“A public health emergency” – The CDC
“The HIV/AIDS of this century” – The San Francisco Chronicle
“A coming-of-age micropathogen for the whole family” – Lonnie Childs, B.L.U.F.F. University
“A tissue-necrotizing tour-de-force — I give it two thumbs!” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone Magazine
“Infectious!” – Christian Science Monitor
“The most evolved strain of bacteria yet — MRSA will keep you guessing right until your end!” – The New Yorker
“I have a feeling MRSA is going to be around a long time” – Neil DeGrasse Tyson, black film critic
So just what the triple hell is this MRSA, anyway, you ask? The MRSA is currently the leading cause of masturgenic homogay disease in America. As has already been thoroughly documented on this holy netsite, the vast majority of illness is caused by turning away from the living God and diddling oneself. When chronic masturbation is left untreated, its ordinary course is to develop into The Gay, much as bronchitis turns to pneumonia.
Repeated bouts of self-rape cause changes in gene expression at the transcriptional level. Receptors sensitive to norerectinephrine begin to proliferate along with a corresponding reduction in erectinephrine transmission. Erectinephrine is the neurochemical which gives rise to holy heteroboners in the context of same-race assigned couplings. Norerectinephrine is produced when a man abandons the natural function of the woman and burns with lust toward himself [Paul, 56]. In time, pathways in the locus coeruleus region of the brain no longer respond to norerectinephrine, instead converting it through the enzyme bicuriase into the much more potent homoeroticamine. Homoeroticamine hijacks the brain’s reward system such that the organism focuses all of its energy and resources toward scoring its next fix of the hard drug Cock in a vicious cycle of homogaystasis.
MRSA has been declared a public health crisis, costing our socialist healthcare system billions of dollars each year. MRSA derives its name from the earlier rod-shaped bacterium Staphilocockus aurelius. Staphilocockus is a portmanteau of the words “staff”, “philo” (Greek for “love”), and “cock”, a reference to homogay disease, wherein a staff loves cock or, in other words, a man loves men.
This particular species of Staphilocockus is named after the two Doctors of the Church who first described it in the 5th-century, a time when microorganisms could only be seen with the eyes of faith. The Aurelius-Aurelius model of molecular pathogenesis was developed by St. Augustine of Hippo subsequent to his conversion in 387 by St. Ambrose “Before Hoes” of Milan. Dr. Aurelius Augustine, D.C. enumerated the sordid details of his former heretical, homosexual lifestyle in which he indulged every lust imaginable, including stealing a pear from a tree, in his seminal work Confessions of a Manichean Masturbator. Confessions of a Manic Masturbator (the title of the abridged version) is widely regarded as the first of the venerable literary genre of the tell-all memoir. No one in the ancient world had ever elaborated on the minutiae of their sin with such self-abasing enthusiasm before Augustine, and few have matched his level of neurosis since.
The Confessions was probed from every angle by an interdisciplinary FaithFacultyForum at B.L.U.F.F. of which I was foreordained to be a part. In his infinite wisdom, Brother Lonnie had hypothesized that the original manuscript of Confessions of a Manichean Masturbator would contain the recipe for a cocktail which could outsmart this modern-day masturbation superbug. Lonnie bats 1000 every time and only swings one way: the truth. His predictions unsurprisingly proved correct. Praise be to him who showers us with blessing upon blessing!
As many of our readers have diminishing eyesight due to masturbetic retinopathy, I will allow them a few days to recover and save the rest of my report for a second installment.
Stay faithful, my friends,
Dr. Cornelius Felcher, J.O.