Welcome once more to our serial series of great Pioneers in Anti-Masturbation! Today, we showcase Lunar Spacestronaut Neil Armstrong, first man to leave the flat disc of the Earth, and set human foot upon the Moon.
In the 1940s or some time about there, Young Neil grew up in abject poverty somewhere in the slums of a city. His mother could not afford to feed his 28 brothers and sisters, and having already sold her hair and eyebrows, had resorted to selling her blood to Slavics, and giving handy-J’s to sailors down at the docks. Neil’s father, an incurable self-rapist, spent his days wallowing in his own filth and debasing himself.
Young Neil would read the works of Jules Verne, and imagine himself being stuffed into a shell, and fired at the Moon from a giant gun stuffed with 40,000 lbs of gun-cotton, he then decided he would one day, blast from a cannon onto the Moon.
In high-school. Young Neil, or “Moonie” as he was known, was once tricked into going to a homosex pot-rave masturbation orgy, as was the custom of the times. Neil stood tall, and refused to self-rape, even going so far as viciously beating his best friend into a coma. “I won’t shame myself. I don’t need that kind of depravity! I’m gonna stuff myself into a giant gun, and fire myself to the moon! You’ll see! You all will see! ”
And so, many years later, being as anti-masturbatory and pure as the driven American snows of the Rocky Mountains, Neil ascended through the ranks of The Air Force and N.A.S.A, and the fateful day came. No no, they didn’t build an enormous gun-cotton gun and shoot him into the Heavens, that would be ridiculous. Instead, former Nazi-Super Genius Wernher von Braun built a giant three-part liquid-fueled rocket powered primarily by liquid oxygen, and attached an aluminum can to another aluminum can, and fired that at the Moon.
After having many near catastrophic failures, Neil and some other less important Spacestronaut set foot on the Moon. Neil, who’s life obsession it had been to rise above the impoverished scum that he was born from, kicked the other guy in the jimmie, and burst forth from the can, and stepped foot on the Moon. There, weeping with joy, he said his “One small blah blah blah” speech and then gazed into the Moon sky.
The beauty of the flat plate-like disc of the Earth overcame him, and he overcame his own control, and began to masturbate at the sheer splendor, and of course, was killed instantly, presumably by God, who knows? We’re not really certain who killed him, it’s not important. What’s important is that a man who NEVER masturbated even ONCE flew to the Moon! And if he had not self-raped he’d have lived to tell about it, instead of being buried in a 6′ deep grave on a giant cheese in the sky.