Pioneers in Anti-Masturbation, Episode Two: Neil Armstrong

Great Non-Masturbator who flew To the Moon

HISTORY (SMNNN)

Welcome once more to our serial series of great Pioneers in Anti-Masturbation! Today, we showcase Lunar Spacestronaut Neil Armstrong, first man to leave the flat disc of the Earth, and set human foot upon the Moon.

In the 1940s or some time about there, Young Neil grew up in abject poverty somewhere in the slums of a city. His mother could not afford to feed his 28 brothers and sisters, and having already sold her hair and eyebrows, had resorted to selling her blood to Slavics, and giving handy-J’s to sailors down at the docks. Neil’s father, an incurable self-rapist, spent his days wallowing in his own filth and debasing himself.

Young Neil would read the works of Jules Verne, and imagine himself being stuffed into a shell, and fired at the Moon from a giant gun stuffed with 40,000 lbs of gun-cotton, he then decided he would one day, blast from a cannon onto the Moon.

Neil often imagined he'd do this some day...
Neil often imagined he’d do this some day…

In high-school. Young Neil, or “Moonie” as he was known, was once tricked into going to a homosex pot-rave masturbation orgy, as was the custom of the times. Neil stood tall, and refused to self-rape, even going so far as viciously beating his best friend into a coma. “I won’t shame myself. I don’t need that kind of depravity! I’m gonna stuff myself into a giant gun, and fire myself to the moon! You’ll see! You all will see! ”

And so, many years later, being as anti-masturbatory and pure as the driven American snows of the Rocky Mountains, Neil ascended through the ranks of The Air Force and N.A.S.A, and the fateful day came. No no, they didn’t build an enormous gun-cotton gun and shoot him into the Heavens, that would be ridiculous. Instead, former Nazi-Super Genius Wernher von Braun built a giant three-part liquid-fueled rocket powered primarily by liquid oxygen, and attached an aluminum can to another aluminum can, and fired that at the Moon.

Werner von Braun, builder of riDONK huge rockets.
Werner von Braun, builder of riDONK huge rockets.

After having many near catastrophic failures, Neil and some other less important Spacestronaut set foot on the Moon. Neil, who’s life obsession it had been to rise above the impoverished scum that he was born from, kicked the other guy in the jimmie, and burst forth from the can, and stepped foot on the Moon. There, weeping with joy, he said his “One small blah blah blah” speech and then gazed into the Moon sky.

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The beauty of the flat plate-like disc of the Earth overcame him, and he overcame his own control, and began to masturbate at the sheer splendor, and of course, was killed instantly, presumably by God, who knows? We’re not really certain who killed him, it’s not important. What’s important is that a man who NEVER masturbated even ONCE flew to the Moon! And if he had not self-raped he’d have lived to tell about it, instead of being buried in a 6′ deep grave on a giant cheese in the sky.

So long Neil, you were a great non-masturbator, but you had to go and mess it up.  SMH!!!
So long Neil, you were a great non-masturbator, but you had to go and mess it up.
SMH!!!
About Thomas Kelly 62 Articles
Thomas Kelly, SMN Faithscience Editor, is the Dean of several B.L.U.F.F's, as well as the preeminent authority on Faithscience. In addition these lofty titles, he is also a powerful wizard, and holds over fifty non-secular PHDs.

13 Comments on Pioneers in Anti-Masturbation, Episode Two: Neil Armstrong

  1. Fascinating, Brother Thomas. I never knew God created other lumps of rock in the sky. I always thought he just flicked a light switch for night and day.

      • It’s actually made Mostly of silica, alimina, lime, iron(II) oxide, magnesia, titanium dioxide, and sodium oxide

    • Please say you’re joking. God doesn’t create lumps of rock. What happens is a big ball of dust and gas collapses in on it’s self and forms a dense ball with an orbiting debris field. Now these pieces of debris stick together and from atmospheres by capturing gas or by volcanoes and if they are large enough, become gas giants. This energy from the spinning cloud is what has Earth and the other planets orbiting the sun. The moons are formed in a similar way around their planet (gas giant moons), by capturing them as they sped through the solar system(moons of Mars) or just one planet is hit by another and the debris created forms a moon, which is how Earth’s moon formed

  2. I really should stop doing meth and masturbating. I have lost what poor grasp on reality I had.

    Please Normals, pray for my forsaken soul!!!

      • Why wouldn’t you want us here to spread these wholesome #faithfacts™ to the world? We are not a selfish people. We wish to be missionary for people such as yourself.

  3. I agree Christina we should not make jest of the work of this great and faithful wizard. This article is of paramount importance to society! Praise Thomas Kelly for having courage to bring the truth to light!

    • Truth? You call this stupid article the “truth”?

      You people are stupid. Neil Armstrong had 2 siblings, grew up in a nice family, never beat his friend to a coma and close to everything in this story is false. I made an account just to correct you idiots, Neil Armstrong never thought about space travel, he wanted to be pilot and was chosen due to his skills in flying fighter jets during the Korean War. He had 2 siblings, his mother didn’t work but his father had a job and loved the family very much. You dumbed down one of the most important events and people in history, the Moon isn’t made of cheese. Von Braun wasn’t a Nazi and supported of the U.S., Neil didn’t kick Aldrin (or the other “spaceonaut” as he is to you idiots) in the jimmies, Neil was just the commander of the mission so he got to go first, and he didn’t die on the moon, he isn’t even buried in the ground, he died in 2012 on EARTH and was given burial at sea like a true hero, not some dumbed down version you morons believe in.

      I should know. Me AND my brother work at NASA

  4. I’m beginning to think American children should be reading the history lessons on this site as opposed to the distortions in the circa 1960s textbooks they currently have in the schools. This website is a great resource.

    • You people are stupid. Neil Armstrong had 2 siblings, grew up in a nice family, never beat his friend to a coma and close to everything in this story is false. I made an account just to correct you idiots, Neil Armstrong never thought about space travel, he wanted to be pilot and was chosen due to his skills in flying fighter jets during the Korean War. He had 2 siblings, his mother didn’t work but his father had a job and loved the family very much. You dumbed down one of the most important events and people in history, the Moon isn’t made of cheese and it God certainly doesn’t flip a switch, school textbooks aren’t from the sixties and this website is a horrible resource. And God doesn’t make lumps in the sky, when a star forms after a cloud of dust and gas called a nebula collapses in on itself causing nuclear fusion and the left over debris forms planets and moons. Von Braun wasn’t a Nazi and was a supported of the U.S., Neil didn’t kick Aldrin (or the other “spaceonaut” as he is to you idiots) in the jimmies, Neil was just the commander of the mission so he got to go first, and he didn’t die on the moon, he isn’t even buried in the ground, he died in 2012 on EARTH and was given burial at sea like a true hero, not some dumbed down version you morons believe in.

      I should know me AND my brother work at NASA

  5. You people are stupid. Neil Armstrong had 2 siblings, grew up in a nice family, never beat his friend to a coma and close to everything in this story is false. I made an account just to correct you idiots, Neil Armstrong never thought about space travel, he wanted to be pilot and was chosen due to his skills in flying fighter jets during the Korean War. He had 2 siblings, his mother didn’t work but his father had a job and loved the family very much. You dumbed down one of the most important events and people in history, the Moon isn’t made of cheese and it God certainly doesn’t flip a switch, school textbooks aren’t from the sixties and this website is a horrible resource. And God doesn’t make lumps in the sky, when a star forms after a cloud of dust and gas called a nebula collapses in on itself causing nuclear fusion and the left over debris forms planets and moons. Von Braun wasn’t a Nazi and was a supported of the U.S., Neil didn’t kick Aldrin (or the other “spaceonaut” as he is to you idiots) in the jimmies, Neil was just the commander of the mission so he got to go first, and he didn’t die on the moon, he isn’t even buried in the ground, he died in 2012 on EARTH and was given burial at sea like a true hero, not some dumbed down version you morons believe in.

  6. What? I jerk off all the time. I’ve done so my entire life. And I did attend a orgy session and DID masturbate.

Comments are closed.