Once upon a time, our white-male-cis-hetero Forefathers were instructed by God to construct a vessel of righteousness and flee the wicked and perverse generation of the Church of England. Anglicans had legalized marijuana and masturbation, thereby ushering in the long decline of Western civilization. The Puritans and/or Pilgrims sought to separate themselves from the cancer which had overtaken their homeland and worship the Judeo-Christian deity in peace and freedom, unmolested by their liberal countrymen who forced their godless agenda deep down this faithful remnant’s throat.
As per the Blessed Trinity’s instructions, the Puritans and/or Pilgrims took with them two of every Protestant denomination, male and female, that all of God’s mutually infallible children might exercise freedom of conscience and worship according to their exclusive interpretations of Holy Writ, all others be anathema. Thus were the American principles of religious freedom and tolerance for other Caucasian Christian cultures birthed.
This freedom is under attack today as never before in our country. High off the Supreme Court’s lawless ruling in “Gays v. Marriage (2015)”, the LIEberal media has seized the moment and is hunting down any and all dissenters like Cecil the Friendly Lion. The first victim of their twisted crusade was Jared the Sandwich Man, long time family values hero and generally upstanding heterosexual male of European descent. Jared’s life was destroyed by false accusations and fabricated evidence at the slimy hand of the Leftist cabal to send a message loud and clear: no white-male-cis-hetero is safe in the New America. Not even a man with millions of dollars and a lifetime supply of Subway for doing nothing, the very apex of blessedness.
Next they turned their fire on Kim Davis, a county clerk 4 Christ if ever there were one. Mrs. Davis believes so deeply in the sanctity of marriage that she’s had four of them in a valiant, self-sacrificing effort to compensate for the decreasing number of marriages among normals. Unwilling to sit idly by as homogays ravage Sweet Lady Liberty, she has taken the law into her own hands, refusing to be party to this sinful mockery of a tradition dating back 6,000 years to Adam and Eve themselves. The Great Serpent of Old, like his Herptilian children today, asked Eve, “Did God really say, ‘You shall not eat of the peaches of the bush?'” This is the original lie, and the one which threatens to unravel Christendom in our time. But Kim was having none of it and was jailed for her troubles.
This dramatic and sudden surge in the church-to-prison pipeline we’re seeing is just the inevitable outcome of years of saint-shaming and unchecked sin privilege. What begins as words and attitudes ends with imprisonment, torture, martyrdom, and the impending near-total annihilation of our species. More on that in a moment, but first allow me to familiarize you with a glossary of nonsense syllables from BLUFF University’s Department of CriticalFaithTheory. If you are reading this right now, you are statistically likely to be my oppressor, and therefore are obligated to pay close attention to everything I say and believe and do exactly as I tell you. Even then, you’ll still be a terrible person by existing and I hate you.
To begin, saint-shaming occurs whenever a member of the dominant secular culture ridicules, marginalizes, or says anything even faintly negative about about minority Christians. The H8riarchy reinforces these demeaning stereotypes in the media, academia, the workplace, and basically anywhere there are people or places. Anything bad that happens to a saint can be traced back to the H8riarchy, thus absolving saints of any culpability for their actions. Saints, by definition, cannot do wrong. This further means that anyone who is not a saint is wrong before they even have the chance to be right.
Darlings as they are of the H8riarchy, secularists and especially homosexuals dance gaily through life, the unknowing beneficiaries of sin privilege. Don’t know what that means? F***ing kill yourself, pig.
More distressingly still, saints are constantly subjected to gay gaze. By now, no one questions that homosexuals of the Jewish variety own Hollywood. What they may not be consciously aware of is the sheer amount of objectification of straight white males in film and television and other visual media. The white-male-cis-hetero body is depicted as a commodity to be consumed by the insatiable gay voyeur, male actors cast solely on the basis of their appearance, the camera lingering on the male lead’s chiseled crotch, the flashing of bare male buttocks becoming as common as wholesome (when warranted by the plot) female full-frontal nudity. Do us all a favor and cut your d*** off, a**f***er.
Worst of all is the derogatory and just plain rude language casually thrown around by privileged secular Jew gays. It’s incredible to me that in the year 2015 there are still people who refer to saints as “holy rollers” or “churchy” or “sanctimonious”. Just… no. I am not sanctimonious – this is an offensive slur. F***ing figure it out. I am a person of sanctity (POS). Learn something, you ignorant s***.
All sin has its origin in masturbation. The milieu in which this kind of unconscious prejudice and discrimination is so ubiquitous is self-rape culture. Self-rape culture is a pervasive ethos which discourages Christian men and women of good morals from reporting their neighbors and family members to the authorities for confirmed acts of masturbation. Law enforcement will more often than not dismiss these allegations as being unsupported by evidence or not actually illegal. The victim risks being estranged and harassed by going public with the accusation. Victim-blaming is common in these instances, with a disconcertingly large percentage of the population stating their belief that a person who reports friends and family to the police for masturbating deserves to be laughed at. Joking about masturbation creates a social environment in which saints’ stories are not taken seriously.
Self-rape is NEVER funny.
As I alluded to above, I fear the worst is yet to come all over the place. I predicted it in my radio interview following the disastrous Supreme Court ruling*: you give gays an inch, they take nine inches. Physical violence against non-gays is indeed on the horizon. Christians now have to fear for their safety in the country God created for them. This is NOT okay.
Never one to run from a fight, but always one to hide from it, I preempted the lesbian lynch mobs and developed a Persecution Complex. A weekend architect and interior decorator, for years now I’ve been meticulously sketching the blueprints for an underground BibleBunker® in the event that the Book of Revelation turns out to be mostly true. Immediately upon hearing the news that traditional marriage had been struck down from on high and the great star felled from the skies into the sea, I commissioned the best underpaid Mexican labor money could buy and set to work on making my nightmare become a reality.
Hidden in a remote wilderness area ten miles outside of BLUFF University in Safford, Arizona, the exact location of my Persecution Complex is known only to myself, the Father in heaven, and the fifteen supple virgins (of legal age in many jurisdictions) I have stockpiled to repopulate the earth after the seven year reign of the HomoGay™ has decimated human procreation, leaving our Satanic arachnid overlords free to once again wrest dominion from the wank-weary hands of the impotent remnant. With spiders, cockroaches, and ants soon to comprise over 90% of Earth’s biota, it will be incumbent upon men of confirmed moral character, reasonably attractive facial features, and formidable intellects captive to Christ to disseminate their deoxyribo at Old Testament rates of reproduction in order to usher in the millennial kingdom of Jesus and Lonnie Childs ASAP.
Unfortunately, I am unable to host the men of BLUFF and their many soon-to-be teenage brides as the Persecution Complex is already at capacity.
Between my masturbedroom, the 10′ x 11′ common area in which thirteen cots are set up (only thirteen will be needed on any given night), my emergency supply of antimasturbatory and fertility drugs, the 46-volume collection of Calvin’s Commentaries I found in the bargain bin at Walmart last week, and the indoor pool and jacuzzi, living conditions in the BibleBunker® are going to be very strained and very tight. So, so tight. To him who asks, I can e-mail a copy of the blueprints, but you’ll have to raise the funds and oversee construction yourself.
As always, God provided in a pinch and I was able to fund the project through a combination of e-begging and profits earned from the 7,000% price hike of Felcher Pharmaceuticals’ recently acquired and repackaged masturbation cessation aid HandAbuse®. It is this kind of drive and entrepreneurship which will be required both to survive and replicate in the new world, and the last thing we need are more moochers looking for handouts. Acquire your own washed up first-generation generics, parasite.
I’ve been so obsessed with my Persecution Complex recently that I’ve hardly gotten anything done, and for that I apologize. My next order of business will be to finally publish parts 2 and 3 of “A Hand Up, Not a Hand Job” along with the accompanying activism called for in part 3. Immediately following this, I will lock myself in the bunker along with the virgins who have been eagerly awaiting their seeding for weeks with minimal rations (I don’t want them to get fat this early), and emerge only every two to three days to use the bathroom at Target.
Yours inside Him,
#BlessedLivesMatter #MyCrucifixIsNotATrend #YesAllChristians
*The relevant segment begins at 53:20